Friday afternoon

The computer screen flickered into life. A man's face appeared.

"Hi, Austin, Basil Exposition with British Intelligence here. Sorry to interrupt but here are the details of your latest assignment."

"No problems, Exposition, fire away."

"Right. Well, we've heard that Dr Evil has finally emerged from years of hibernation with his latest plot to destroy the world. One of our spies tracked him down to his secret lair just outside Palmerston North and managed to get the news to us before being captured and dropped into a fish tank where he was devoured by a giant mutant sea bass."

"Ooh, nasty, Basil."

"Indeed. Anyway, your mission is to thwart Dr Evil's plans by neutralising him. However, there are a couple of things you need to know. Firstly, Fat Bastard has defected. He's on our side now. Make sure you remember that and don't try to kill him. And secondly, Dr Evil has married one of his spies. We're not sure what she looks like but I'm sure you'll have no difficulty spotting her, Austin."

"Ooer. The mind boggles. I'd hate to think what sort of horror would be prepared to hitch up with Dr Evil. And don't you worry about Fat Bastard. As long as I don't have to work with him. Anyway, rest assured, I'll be on the job immediately."

"Of course, Austin. Over and out."

Friday night

The big crowd was starting to get restless. Tension was in the air. The sense of expectation was electric. Suddenly a low slung sports car painted like a Union Jack roared up to the entrance of the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers Club in downtown Wellington and out jumped a short hairy chap with funny teeth wearing a blue crushed velvet suit, a frilly lace cravat and Italian boots. Yes, it was the International Man of Mystery himself, followed by his ravishing sidekick, Felicity Shagwell.

 "Yeah! Yeah, baby!" he shouted to Felicity as he sashayed his way through the main doors and onto the dance floor. The screaming crowd converged on him and he was quickly surrounded by a bevy of gorgeous young women wearing incredibly tight short multi-coloured miniskirts which left nothing to the imagination. A racy dance number followed involving much wiggling, gyrating and thrusting of various body parts. Eventually all the dancers collapsed in a sweaty heaving heap, leaving Austin to make his way over to the bar where Felicity was waiting for him.

"Champagne, Austin?" she asked, pouring him a glass without waiting for a reply.

He accepted the drink gratefully. "Groovy, baby." As Felicity headed off to take her turn on the dance floor, Austin scanned the crowd, his eyes flickering over the throng of alluring young women lining the walls of the club and cramming the dance floor. Suddenly he did a double take. "Hold on, what's this?" His eyes focused on a dark corner on the far side of the club where he'd just seen the most breathtakingly beautiful vision of femininity. "Crikey, I bet she shags like a minx," he muttered under his breath.

Grabbing the open bottle of champagne and two glasses, he scouted his way around the outside of the dance floor and made his way across the room. There she was, almost hidden behind a wall, with just her face visible peering round. He strutted up to her, eyeing the fabulous curves under the fabulous miniskirt.

"Those clothes are skin tight. How do you get into those, baby?"

"Well, you can start by giving me a glass of that champagne."

"Yeah, baby." He quickly filled a glass and proffered it to her.

"Hey, baby, Austin's the name. Austin Kyne. Austin 'Danger' Kyne. Danger's my middle name. Can I just say that you look very shagadelic."

She stared at him.

He tried again. "So why don't we go out back and shag?"

Again the cool stare.

"Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah, do I?"

At last she responded. "Oh, Mr Kyne, that's so sixties. A lot's changed since then."

"No doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection while at the same time experimenting with mind expanding drugs in a consequence free environment, I'll be sound as a pound."

She laughed, a beautiful ringing laugh that somehow overwhelmed his senses and emptied his mind of any thoughts of personal danger. "Well, in that case, Austin, I think you should show me how it's done."

"Oh, behave," he growled in delight, taking her by the hand and leading her out of the club.

Two minutes later, they were in his sports car, five minutes after that, they were back at his love pad, and shortly after that, they were rolling around entwined on his huge rotating heart shaped bed…

Saturday morning

Austin drifted back into wakefulness. His eyes rested on the beautiful woman lying beside him.

She looked at him questioningly. "Austin. What's this? I found it on the floor under the bed. It says on the box 'Swedish made penis enlarger pump'."

"That's not mine."

"And there's a credit card receipt for a Swedish made penis enlarger pump signed by Austin Kyne."

"I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine."

"Plus a warranty card for a Swedish made penis enlarger pump filled out by Austin Kyne."

"I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby."

"And a book. 'Swedish made penis enlarger pumps and me: This sort of thing is my bag, baby' by Austin Kyne."

"Ah... anyway, shall we shag now or shall we shag later? Now would be great because I'm playing footy this afternoon and I need to have my mojo in peak condition for the game."

"Well, how about now then, Austin, you naughty man. After all, we must look after your mojo, mustn't we."

"Groovy, baby. Hey, just before we shag, how about you tell me your name?"

"My name? You can call me… Vanda."

Saturday afternoon

Austin arrived at Weka Park in Raumati for the game against Kapiti. He was getting closer to Dr Evil's headquarters in Palmerston North. This game would be a good starting point for the next stage of his plan.

It was pissing down with rain before the game. Eventually it stopped. There seemed to be some confusion. Half the Turts were changed into their kit and the other half were just standing around. The ground seemed to be overbooked. Eventually the lads all hopped back in their cars and headed up to Mazengarb Park in Paraparaumu where there were several unused pitches. Austin was staggered to see the vast bulk of Fat Bastard appear out of the back of one of the cars. He knew Fat Bastard was on their side now but he hadn't expected him to be playing. As he wandered over, Fat Bastard started rubbing his nipples and moaning, "I'm dead sexy. Look at my sexy body. Sexy man, sexy man." Austin hurriedly turned in the opposite direction.

The Turts got together for the team talk. Snout had to hurry through the team formation, having arrived so late that new recruit Marty had taken the precautionary step of donning the famous No 1 jersey, in the process giving the lads a rare glimpse of the jersey being worn under a pressure less than breaking strain. Unfortunately he'd put it on back to front with the '1' on his chest, thus becoming an early contender for tit of the day. The team looked pretty solid, in fact overly so with Fat Bastard up front. Austin headed for a stint on the bench. His turn would come.

The Turts kicked off and immediately began attacking. They'd beaten this Kapiti team comfortably twice last season and they didn't seem to have improved. The Turts were passing their way round the park with ease and forced an early corner. The ball came over, there was a bit of a skirmish in the six yard box, and the ball fell nicely on the deck to the Pieman, who slammed it home for his first goal at the right end of the field since March 1998. Some controversy raged over the awarding of the goal, with the goalie claiming to have been taken out by Fat Bastard, but referee Rat-a-deux insisted that with a huge bulk like that, it was difficult for the fat bastard not to take someone out.

Shortly after, Fat Bastard collected the ball about 30 yards out from goal and jinked his way around and through several defenders before tucking it home for a classic Fat Bastard goal. And soon afterwards, he collected a nice ball from the midfield and slotted it under the keeper to make it 3-0. Not long afterwards, the Kapiti keeper was beaten by Fat Bastard outside the box on the byline but followed through and clattered him. The resulting free kick inspired the keeper to vent his spleen on the ref, about the last real show of resistance from the Kapiti team, most of whom had resigned themselves to the inevitable defeat long before.

Fat Bastard responded with a rant of his own. "Yes, sir, Mr Kapiti keeper telling me he got the ball, oh, I'm a hard case, he says. Well, listen up, sonny Jim, I ate a baby. Oh, aye, baby, the other other white meat. Baby. What's for dinner?"

The margin remained at three for a while as the Turtles continued to create opportunities, but none of these were taken as various players displayed their various levels of incompetence. Marty had a prime opportunity unmarked on the back post but the ball bounced away off his leg for a goal kick. Still, the opposition never threatened in attack and it was late in the half when Fat Bastard poked in another for a 4-0 halftime lead.

The lads were relaxed during the halftime break. Austin had had rather a quiet first half, but resolved to himself to try and shoot more, which meant not giving the ball to the fat bastard up front who was hogging all the glory. His opportunity looked to have come sooner than expected as Fat Bastard wasn't too keen to get back on the field. "First things first. Where's the shitter? I've got a turtle head poking out. I'm not kidding. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey."

Meanwhile the rest of the team got on with the job at hand. Unfortunately, the notion that the game was already in the bag inspired the attacking half of the team to attempt to do too much, and the quality of the play fell away as goal hunger took over. Austin got himself into several positions where he could have set up Fat Bastard but sheer greed got the better of him on each occasion, with the resulting shots flying in all directions apart from goalwards. The worst offence saw him approach the near post on the angle and pull a shot well wide with several teammates totally unmarked in the middle. The resulting verbals merely inspired him to try it again with similarly drastic results.

Nonetheless the score continued to mount. Fat Bastard latched onto another for the fifth, then Big Si got into precisely the same position as the Pieman in the first half, only to totally blouse the shot. Fat Bastard had no such qualms and knocked in the rebound for 6-0. Soon afterwards came the crowning moment as a cross from the left found Oscar's boot only two yards out. The resulting unmissable volley ballooned over the bar to earn him tit of the day in the face of some strong competition, a miss only exceeded in quality by Zil's famous effort at Ben Burn which flew off his shin, into his face and over the bar while giving him a bleeding nose.

On the positive side, Chris Lavis received the ball about twenty yards out in a good shooting position. After dithering momentarily, he took the Fat Bastard's advice and buried a long range shot high in the net. The scoring was rounded off by a sixth for Fat Bastard and the Turtles had run out convincing winners by 8-0.

Austin staggered from the field. The team had won but the game had been a personal disaster for him. He couldn't understand it. It was like there was something in his boot causing him to hit every shot ten yards wide of the goal. Something had gone wrong with his game. He slumped on the ground, a picture of dejection. Eventually he got to his feet to discover that most of the rest of the team had got changed and were in the process of departing for the after match session at the Jolly Miller. He was the only one left as a sleek long limousine with dark windows cruised up alongside of him. He could vaguely see that the driver appeared to be bald. The passenger window wound down and a beautiful face looked out at him. It was a face he knew.

"Hello, Austin."

"Vanda. What are you doing here?"

"I've got something to show you, Austin." She had a small glass tube in her hand. It was filled with a sparkling red liquid. He seemed to somehow recognise what it was.

"And I've also got something to tell you, Austin. Yes, my name is Vanda… but other people know me as… Mrs Evil. Goodbye, Austin."

The limousine accelerated away and out of the park, leaving Austin lying in a miserable heap and moaning pitifully to himself, "Crikey, I've lost my mojo…"