The standard issue Mark 5 Paparazzi MIC was cold in his hands as he firmly applied it to the Lounge Floor.  Like magic he could hear Roger “Dodger” Kinsella fining the players for many and varied activities. What a hard Bast**rd  he thought, the legend of Dodge growing larger in his mind. 

Scared to breathe in case discovered, he listened closely:

GT tit again - predictable, 

PK not passing - same old same old.

Gordie moaning unintelligibly - obvious 

Steve being ginger – poor sod

Snouters weight problems and not recovering quick enough to save the penalty – a touch harsh- well on the second part anyway.  Then the bomb shell hit

“Sorry guys, Can’t play next week I’m off to service the old lady.  It’s been ages since the last decent jump I’ve given her and it’s our 20^th anniversary. I promised her last year after we won the league.  I was weak, I was giddy and euphoric, I’m sorry, I’m so sorr… “  His words petered out, lost in embarrassment and overcome with shame. 

There was stunned silence - even Dodge was lost for words. 

Steve finally piped up:  “But can’t we send Spratty round to help like we normally do?”  

“Sorry guys” was the firm response.  “Not this time”

He had heard enough. Slipping away into the night he smiled as he wrote in his head the headline that would shake Europe

“Captain’s Shame as 5-0 Turts hit Crisis”

It was Wednesday morning when the legendary Turtles manager known only as Grunter had time to sit back in his Level 10 Penthouse suite and survey the damage.  The story had exploded like a pubescent boy’s first wet dream and mutated as it went. 

“Turtles Captain retreats into Shell” – led the Times

Horny Captains shame” –  screamed the Daily Record

But once the 1988 High Court Case about a young D Wilkinson –  a Turtle of more than 250 games vintage – was dredged up then the story hit new heights

“Turtles sheep sha…gging Shame” – cried the Daily Star

The final blow was this mornings Dominion front page shocker

“Grunter must go”

Leaning back in his chair Grunter searched for inspiration.  Just at that point Vanda arrived for work.  What a great off-season signing for the office, he thought.  He grinned at his own management genius. 

The morning was cold and fresh and Vandas pertness was pleasing to the eye.  The sleek lines of her see through Chiffon top reminded him of two young gazelles bouncing around the Savannah Plain.  There was always a ray of sunshine in every cloud!!!!!!!!!

Vanda walked towards him.  He could feel his hands involuntarily tense as she approached.

“Coffee Sir” she asked, smiling encouragingly. 

“I’ll have a tall black please, I need a stiff one this morning” said Grunter

“Just what I like in the morning too” she replied sheepishly.

“I bet you do”  he thought.

Concentrate man this is a crisis. What we need is experience at the back, someone to instil confidence a future signing to take the Turts to a new level. Inspirational almost spiritual mmmmmmm he mused.

Names drifted over him

John Tamihere – no not a team player hates Jews, Greek lovers, Scots and Asians.

Dover Samuals - Drops the ball under pressure.  The defence will leak like a sieve

Brian Tamaki -  Friend in high places - but the pre match Haka will take too long and the publicity with Destiny would be too hot to handle.

I have it he thought  -The new Pope, who else. 

Nazi German background, a hard man, good footballing nation, meets the age criteria and will be well placed for the over 40s rule change next year,  spiritual and uplifting team talks, that would make a change, and he could set up a great recruitment youth policy in Italy, Germany and South America.  It’s brilliant. 

He picked up the call and began negotiations. 

The negotiations began well .  The transfer fee was only small change to Grunter, the cash flow had improved after the Turtles Division 2 topping year in 2004 and there were always plenty of free funds at the Bank. 

By Friday morning he agreed change the strip colours to Vatican colours and by mid day it was agreed that the boys would all become Catholics.

The negotiations edged closer but alas no joy, 3am Saturday morning an exhausted Grunter slammed the phone down,. I can’t believe it that “silly popish Git” he cried. 

The pope had insisted on  playing with his Mitre hat and a dress on. 

“This is madness there has to be another plan”  and so it was we moved to Plan Z and kicked off with Stevie H in goal. 

Stevie had been upbeat before the kick off and had shared stories of past Turtles glory winning Division 10 with him in goal.  The oppo however started lively and made early progress down the right and forced a corner.  After a bit of scramble the ball was cleared and the next 10 minutes both midfields tried to get dominance. 

An early Turtles shot from the edge of the box was pushed wide for a corner but the resultant corner was well dealt with by the Western Suburbs defence as they continued to do for the rest of the match – the wind making things difficult.

By now Chris  and Rohan were getting on top and it was no surprise when the break through took place.  A surging run by Si Law resulted in a header through which was partially blocked.  He followed up with a pass through the middle to Gordie beating the offside trap and a regulation near post shot.  1-0.

The second goal followed quickly.  The Western Suburbs sweeper made an ar.se of himself by standing on the ball while attempting a back healer.  The set up ball was beautifully laid on and gleefully accepted.  2-0 and it was getting easier.  The defender was rewarded with a pint after the game all oppo defenders please note.

The game was getting so easy in fact that Stevie, who was having a quiet but effective game in goal, decided to shake things up and make a strong challenge for tit of the day. 

After the western striker managed an inadequately poor shot, Stevie held the ball and so the opportunity to make an early pass to Rogan down the left.  In what this writer can only describe as a gesture of “I’m bored with the game and want to make it more interesting” he rolled the ball 4 metres straight to the oppo striker who shots spun of the back of dazed defender into the centre box where after a bit of pinball was luckily cleared.  It has to be put down as the worst throw out that has ever been witnessed.

The remainder of the first half was Turtles dominated with Chris Lavis cut out ball and passing exceptional so good in fact he was taken off for a large chunk of the second half.  He’ll not play that well again!!!. Gordie had a one on one well saved and so Half time arrived.

The second half became more and more frenetic with Westerns making good progress to the edge of the Turtles box and then seeming to have no idea what to do in the last third of  the pitch.  A number of Turtle chances were snatched at and wasted and it wasn’t until the 75^th minute when the game was put beyond doubt.  Glen picked up a ball from PK and drove into the box with 4 defenders in attention and coolly slotted a stunning low shot into the corner under pressure.  

The score was made to look respectable when a speculative PK shot was dropped by the keeper and Gordie was on hand to tuck away another gift. 4-0 was the flattering score and a 5 out of 10 team performance was fair on reflection.

The oppo had zero shots on target in the whole match but were a nice bunch of guys 

Grunter summing up best with his comment on the second half.  It was shi…te ,  doesn’t matter how you look at sh…ite it’s still smells and looks like sh….ite. 

Fair call Governor.

The last mystery of the day still to be unravelled is the Tel Boy in the Womans Weekly rumour - all will be revealed next week.