May 14th: Turtles 7 (3) - Eastbourne 0 (0)
'Terry Hills - Back from the Brink'
by 'Big Si' Law
| Turtle Name | Goals For | Own Goals | Assists | MoMs | TiTs |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Wilkinson, G | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Watson, A | 2 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 |
| Tims, G | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Law, S | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 |
| Lavis, C | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 |
| Langridge, S | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Kyne, P | 0 | 0 | 3 | 0 | 0 |
| Kinsella, R | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Holden, M | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 |
| Hills, T | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Hambleton, S | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Fernando, R | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Davidson, G | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 |
| Coppersmith, M | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Calcott, G | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
“Hello , my name is Terry Hills , and I’m a body builderholic. I eat boiled chicken and broccoli and spend hours a day on a treadmill so that I can oil myself down and pose on stage in front of large crowds.”
With these simple words Tel had hopefully begun the first steps to ending this horrible addiction that had seen his body waste away over the past few years.
Just then a shady figure entered the room from the rear and began to heckle. “Harden up ya big nancys – it’s nothing a few pies washed down with 40 or 50 beers wouldn’t cure.” Spratty had obviously stumbled through the wrong door – his Alcohol Appreciation Society meeting was next door and he was promptly escorted out by the security guards.
As the noise died down Tel found the courage to continue. It had started many years ago but it was only in the past few that it had really started to become a problem. Creeping out of the house early while his wife Meropi was still asleep just to grab an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill , throw in just one more set of lat pull-downs and squeeze out an extra 1,000 sit ups had all begun to wear him down – it wasn’t the work outs, it was the deception. Pretending to his work colleagues that his protein shake was in fact a normal milkshake, or even going to the extent of drinking water after a match in the Turtle Lounge (it’s just not right, is it Spratty)
There were murmurs of support and encouragement from around the room – many of them had been in exactly the same position. Tel continued. It was when the lies started to become pervasive that Tel knew he needed to do something about it. He’d ditched the nipple ring a few years back – many assumed his new wife hadn’t liked it, but in reality Tel had discarded it because he thought it had started to make his chest look a little bloated. And that wasn’t the worst of it – he had taken to wearing a corset to the Turtle matches – not for any cosmetic reasons – but to hide the fact that he had abs even when he wasn’t flexing from the other members of the back four. He could feel their scorn, or was it jealousy – Dodger and Big Si hadn’t seen their abs in decades and Stevies were well hidden beneath a thick ginger angora vest that he seemed to wear everywhere. None the less Tel went to the extraordinary length of purchasing a pair of panelled see-through undies to ensure that the Turtles would look away quickly in the changing rooms rather than see the 4% body fat thinly spread across his body.
His appearance in the NZ Woman's Weekly the week prior had been to publicise the Body Builderaholic Anonymous meeting. Anyone seeing the photo would have seen through the thin disguise of the wedding photo. He had even made the agonising decision to not play for the Turtles against Western Suburbs, telling the Turts that he was organising a body building contest, in order to prepare himself for this moment. Now here he was, and he realised that the lies had to come to an end.
Skip forward a week and here he was at Bishop Park in Eastbourne. Luckily he had started to make the changes that his sponsor at the BBA meeting last week had suggested, otherwise he would never have been able to change in such a public place without breaking out into his posing pouch and flexing a few muscles.
Tel and his Body Builderaholic Anonymous mates gatecrash a wedding
to perfect their bride-pressing technique
The size (or lack thereof) and firmness of the pitch combined with the wind made playing good football challenging but the Turts had a strong line up available and playing with the wind were able to dominate the early proceedings. It was Eastbourne however, who scored the first goal. A long throw from PK was nodded expertly into the top corner of his own goal by the Eastbourne defender – a great finish and almost worthy of an assist for PK. The two teams then played quite a bit of scrappy football with Glen and Chris winning lots of ball in the middle but unable to create too much due to the pressure from their Eastbourne counterparts. Marty then managed to find Geordie with a long pass, and the Tartan tadger controlled the ball, beat a few defenders and slotted it into the bottom corner, 2-0. Wal nearly pinged a hammy trying to get on the end of a Rohan cross, and the Turts continued to exert pressure on Eastbourne. It was only a friendly game of “yours” between Tel and Stevie that allowed their striker a shot on goal - but other than that there wasn’t much to trouble Snout in the Turtle goal. Clearly this lethargy extended to his issuing of instructions and later in the half from a corner he told us to “Watch out for the guy in the shorts” and left it to us to figure out exactly who he was talking about.
Not long before half time PK flicked on a long throw which Glen Wilkinson finished beautifully on the volley into the far corner. 3-0. Turning into the wind for the second half was going to be a struggle, And so it was for the first 10 minutes as we struggled to come to terms with playing into the stiff breeze, but after some nice short passing Wal was put into some space down the right and showing good pace he bore down on goal and finished nicely past the keeper. The game was getting out of reach for Eastbourne 5 minutes later when a Wal corner found Si Law’s head from about a foot out and it was 5-0. We weren’t without our odd moment of strife, and one of their strikers should have pulled one back but pushed a shot from the 6 yard box just wide of the post.
Subs were coming and going at a regular rate by this stage which led to play being slightly disjointed. GT was racing around up front gallantly doing his best to ensure that he wasn’t TIT for the 3rd week running – a title he managed to avoid when Marty fell over himself , didn’t feign an injury when he got up and then voted for himself at the after match function. Wal had another 2 attempts on goal of which he converted one before Gary rounded off the scoring with possibly the most fortuitous goal in Wgtn soccer since PKs effort here last year.
At the pub after the game Tel was able to put his new found resolutions to the test. He’d managed to stop himself ducking into the local health food shop for a bottle of pure spring water and a power bar to celebrate the victory with, and actually found himself enjoying the beer that he was sharing with the team. He knew though that there would be many a hard time ahead before he had truly beaten his addiction – his sponsor, a lovely chap by the name of Gary Raine, had used those exact words when they had talked after the meeting last week . Tel just couldn’t figure out why he had such a mischievous gleam in his eye when he said it…….