May 21st: Turtles 6 (2) - Island Bay B  1 (1)
What: "Turtles, The Musical"
Where: Wakefield Number Three
Reviewed by: Steve Hambleton

I admit that I went along to this show a little reluctantly. Of course I was being paid to do it (my measly junior reporter’s salary) but after being forced to sit through that awful Turtle movie a couple of years ago I wasn’t expecting much in the way of quality entertainment.

(You know the Turtle movie, where all the fat, balding ones copped off with cheerleaders at the end, and there was that sordid shower scene with Elton John).

However, it is part of my brief that I should attend these events with an open mind, so I blew my preconceptions out my nose into a tissue and headed along to Wakefield Park on a dull, still winter’s day. After taking my seat on the small bank, the song sheet handed out by the ushers looked promising. The idea was that the audience would get into the mood and sing along with some of the familiar old favourites. Yes, well.

Shortly after 2:15 the teams came out of the changing rooms to my left. The Turtles were led out by Snout, and just short of the pitch area they put down their kit bags. Without warning, a familiar guitar riff began. Snout began to strut backwards and forwards, and broke into a raunchy rendition of Start me up (Rolling Stones), while the team gyrated behind him.

Nice start. Snout’s lads now spread out on one side on the ‘pitch’ and kicked balls around.

Over in the corner it was a bit boggy, and Marty stopped in a puddle. Stevie’s H and L provided backing vocals as Marty pumped out Blame it on the Rain (Milli Vinilli).

A ref was found on a neighbouring pitch and dragged into the fray at this point. After a bit of wandering about, it was decided that the Turtles would play from left to right in the first half. Gary came over to the sideline to make this point with a rousing rendition of Against the Wind (Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band).

The referee blew the whistle, and the ‘game’ began. There was plenty of frenetic action on the slippery surface, and also some quite nice passing around by both teams. Down in the boggy corner Stevie H was having a bit of trouble with his passing. After the second mistake, he sang Hard to say I’m sorry (Chicago) as the ball was retrieved from the bushes. The Turtles were however making some progress up the middle, with Glenn making some nice passes. In fact, he had so much time that it was entirely appropriate for him to now pause, fluff up his collar, and give us Dancing with Myself (Billy Idol).

The first bit of real goal-mouth action came a short time later. Rohan put in a cross, and Glenn met it with a powerful diving header that the Island Bay keeper saved brilliantly. The crowd were on their feet, and Gary kept them there with Danger Zone (Kenny Loggins).

The first goal was a few minutes later. Rohan put in a cross that took a deflection, and it came to PK over on the far post. It was quite an easy chance really, but he took the time to shimmy and turn before knocking it in. Saluting his postal background, PK broke Return to sender (Elvis), twisting and turning like the King himself.

Darrin came off the field a short time later, and he looked worried. He took a swig of water, sat down on a stool, and crooned out a moving Georgia On My Mind (the Ray Charles version). With Darrin off, Stevie H went to left half, and he was soon released down the left by Glenn. His cross in wasn’t great, and it skimmed off a defender before skidding over to Rohan about waist high, well out on the edge of the box. His high side volley was perfect into the bottom corner for his first Turtle Goal. Be way of celebration, Rohan gave us a disturbingly authentic impression of Hit me with your best shot (Pat Benatar).

2-0 to the Turtles looked pretty good, but Island Bay were always going to be a threat going forward. With Chris harrying back, and Dodge, Tel and Si being solid, they were restricted to long range efforts generally, and Snout wasn’t troubled by any of the low skiddy stuff that the other keeper was getting. (From one of these Gary missed a bit of a sitter). Now the Turtles manager, Grunter, arrived on the sideline, and immediately drew attention with his rendition of Can’t Smile Without You (Barry Manilow).

Finally Island Bay got space up on their right, and a big loopy cross came over to their Romijn up front. He held off Marty, and put a long, loopy header back across Snout for 2-1. Marty lamented the fact that he was the last man at the back, and he made this point to Dodge with Every time you go away (Paul Young). Dodge countered with Hold me now (Thompson Twins).

So at half-time it looked like the game was all on. Although in turning around the Turtles would have the advantage of the slope and (very slight) breeze, Island Bay were certainly coming back into it a bit. At the half time break, Snout roused his team with a colossal rendition of Nessun dorma (Pavarotti). Si followed this with Thank Heaven Little Girls (Maurice Chevalier). Just so right, on so many levels. Gordie was more to the point, and extolled his team to build more from the back.

As the teams went back on to the field, the crowd was treated to a sneak preview of an upcoming production from Jetplane International Productions Inc. A small bedroom set was wheeled on, and on to this walked Vanda and the American waitress from Hope Brothers Bar on Dixon Street. Vanda started in with Hello (Lionel Ritchie). The American girl came back with I Touch Myself (Divinyls). Vanda then did a few lines of Relax (Frankie goes to Hollywood), and was replied to with Heaven is a place on earth (Belinda Carlisle). At this stage they moved to the bed, but I needed a slash, so missed the rest.

When I got back, the main show was underway. The Turtles did indeed build from the back straight away. Tel ran down the left, put a square ball in to Gordie, and after barging through one defender, he put it under the keeper for 3-1. His celebration was We’ve Only Just Begun (The Carpenters). The game was about to get going again when it was noticed that Tel was still up on the left. When all eyes were on him, he ripped open his shirt and sang Macho man (Village People).

Three minutes later, Rohan went off to fetch the ball for a corner in the bushes, and was approached by a wasp. He greeted the wasp with Do you really want to hurt me (Culture Club), but it stung him anyway. Heroically, he took the corner, popping it on Gordie’s head inside the six yard box for 4-1. Rohan then subbed off looking for treatment. He asked Grunter for a knife (apparently so he could amputate his arm), but the response was a chortle and My Way (Frank Sinatra). Just as Grunter was finishing, Gordie was preparing to shoot from outside the box. Normally a close-range technician, Gordie sent this effort on its way with The Wind Beneath My Wings (Bette Midler), it took a huge deflection off a defender to beat the keeper, and rolled gently into the bottom corner.

By now the crowd was getting in the mood, and broke out in a spontaneous You’ll Never Walk Alone (Rodgers & Hammerstein). After Gordie’s rapid hat-trick the sting went out of Island Bay somewhat, although they still worked the odd half-chance. Snout had to go down low to his near post, and then flapped away another dangerous cross. Down the other end PK was up front, and made a TiT-winning hash of a great chance up the right, insisting on turning rather than shooting, and tripping over himself, hurting his shoulder in the process. Chris, who supplied him the pass, wasn’t happy, and told PK Don’t stand so close to me (Police).

But a final goal did come soon after, when PK popped a free-kick into the danger area. Gordie challenged, and it fell nicely for Steve L who flicked it in from close range. His salute to himself was Feeling Groovy (Simon and Garfunkel).

After this things started to get a bit ragged. Stevie H disappeared off up the left for a final time, prompting Don’t come around here no more (Tom Petty) from Darrin who was stranded back in cover. Some ordinary aerial defending by Marty saw Dodger inviting the six foot four new comer to Jump (Van Halen), and this brought an emotional response from Marty, as he told Dodge how much he valued his opinion with Someone To Watch Over Me (Ella Fitzgerald).

There was space out wide now, and Tel and Darrin demanded the ball with a duet of Please Release Me (Engelbert Humperdinck), but to no avail. Chris was asked why he was now camped in the back four, and he came out with a surprisingly funky version of I Ran (So far away) A Flock of Seagulls. As a result the Turtles settle into a bit of siege for the last few minutes, which was ably described in an ensemble version of Under Pressure (Queen). Island Bay responded by giving up as well, and linking arms on half-way for a stirring Que Sera Sera (Doris Day). The ref got the hint and blew for full time.

Whilst this show did provide a couple of hours of light entertainment, I’d have to say that I personally wouldn’t want to pay money to see it. The performers were clearly past their best, and struggled with some of the basics more often than you’d want to see. Having said that, a day trip of pensioners might quite like it. 7/10.
    

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