May 28th: Turtles 2 (1) - Porirua Crows  0 (0)
MINISTRY OF TURTLE AFFAIRS
By Darrin "Zil" Wilkinson

 With a heavy sigh, Snouter picked up Form 56C.  The officious nature of the document was unmistakable; the title in bold letters read:

 INDIVIDUAL MID-SEASON REPORT EVALUATION (1^ST SUBMISSION)

Snouter knew it was coming.  Ever since Te Wananga o Capital Soccer had been forced to the financial wall and converted into a Government department (the Ministry of Soccer), paperwork had arrived thick and fast at Turtles HQ.  Player credit histories and background checks were just the start.  Then followed questions on sexual orientation, a ‘please explain’ from the Dykes in Spikes Division as to lack of female representation, and finally an ACC audit investigating suspiciously high injury rates emanating from the side.  Now, mid-season player evaluations just added to the administrative workload.  The portly custodian opened to the first page instructions.

IN NO MORE THAN 100 WORDS, EVALUATE AND ASSESS EACH PLAYER IN YOUR TEAM.

Here we go then, thought Snouter, as he came to the first player, Dodger.  Thinking momentarily, he wrote:

‘Dodger is still a c***.’ 

Why write one hundred words when five will do, smirked the portly custodian.  Then a thought occurred - the word c*** may be deemed objectionable language.  Better check that out.

“Candy!”

“Mmmph?” Snouter looked down.

“Oh, there you are. When you’re finished can you check whether c*** is acceptable language with the Ministry of Idiom?”

“Mmmph mmrt ffrrrk wrrl ssfffmp mrrfppp.”

“You’re right Candy, it obviously qualifies under the ‘Dodger exception’ rule.  How silly of me.”

“Mmmrrs yrrhhk.”

“And sorry to interrupt.”

Snouter returned to the form.  Next on the list, Glenn Tims:

‘GT is still our best player of Asian extraction, but only if he kills Rohan first’. 

Easy peasy, thought Snouter as he came to Gordon Davidson:

‘The Tartan Tadger becomes a bigger presence with each passing year’.

Snouter was on a roll now, but the Patron evaluation section gave him momentary pause.  CJ works for Land Transport, which was copied in on all soccer correspondence.  Better show some tact in case he sees this.

‘Vanda has taken a ‘hands-on’ approach to the new Turtles partners induction scheme.  I cannot speak highly enough of the energy and enthusiasm she brings to the job.  Videos available on request.’

This is easier than I first thought, mused Snouter.  In truth, he had brought much of this upon himself as partner of a high-powered accountancy firm.  When commissioned by the Government to advise on the ailing Te Wananga o Capital Soccer, he dredged up an old report on Telecom, replacing all references to ‘privatise’ with ‘nationalise’, and added three zeros to the bill.  The Government loved it, and since then new crown agencies and ministries had been cropping up all over the place.  Apart from himself, all Turtles were now in the public sector.  And most worryingly of all, rumours were circulating over Government interest in Jetplane Press, the jewel in the Turtle crown.  Over my rotting carcass, thought Snouter.  Just then Grunter sauntered past the office.

“Grunter, we have a new bloke, Mark Nash, playing today.  Is he any good?”

“Dunno”, replied Grunter, “but I’ll get a clearance from the Clearance Ministry.”

“Cheers.”

Snouter turned the page of form 56C.

FOR NEW PLAYERS THIS SEASON, PROVIDE COMPLETE PERSONAL BACKGROUND.  DESCRIBE OCCUPATION AND INTERESTS ALONG WITH EVALUATION PURSUANT TO REGULAR PLAYERS ABOVE.  INCLUDE PHOTO.

To be honest, Snouter knew very little about the newcomers.  And fortunately, neither would the Ministry of Soccer.  With a little help from Google, this shouldn't take long.  He looked at his watch: 1:30.  It was almost game on, so he dived right in.

Gary - ‘Gary is a mate of GT.  He previously operated as a Central African mercenary, and is wanted in 15 countries.  He now works as a hit man for a local property developer.  Gary is an absolute pleasure to play football with, and doesn’t take substitutions too badly, all things considered.’

Gary in typical footballing pose

Marty – ‘Marty was a high-profile character (Beaker) in the Muppet Show, until Jim Henson’s untimely death.  Since then, Marty has struggled to hold down a regular job, with his current allegiance to Chelsea FC evidence of his transitory nature.’

Beaker, yesterday

 

 

Rohan – 'An architectural and engineering genius who designed and built the Sydney Opera House, Rohan is currently designing the Wellington to Eastbourne Harbour Bridge.  He has a nice girlfriend.’

Rohan enjoying a social game of cricket

 The remaining evaluations would have to wait.  Snouter grabbed his gear and dived for the door, with Candy dragging along the floor after him.

At the ground, the lads were gearing up for the big game.  Porirua were no slugs, having beaten the Turts in the last three encounters.  Gordie (with the team gear) eventually showed up at 2:15 – early by his standards, but also an early candidate for T1T all the same.

 The Turtles kicked off, making a couple of nice passes before losing the ball and not touching it for the next 10 minutes.  Porirua stroked it around nicely, looking decidedly handy.  In fact, it was so one-sided in the early exchanges it was almost inevitable we would score first.  Gordie (now of the Ministry of Foreign Languages) intercepted a pass with his belly.  The ball catapulted downfield, with the Tartan Tadger winning the race to the loose ball.  He first timed it nicely into the bottom left: a rare goal from outside the box.  Both sides were in varying degrees of shock, with celebrations quite muted on our side.  The Porirua keeper retrieved the ball for his first touch of the game.

The game continued in a similar vein after the re-start.  Porirua dominated possession, and launched a series of assaults on goal.  The back four scrambled at times, but held firm.  Missing from the central defence this week were Tel (Ministry of Banned Substances), and Big Si (Binge Drinking Commission).  Steve L (Ministry of Gristly Pies) was operating in a central defensive role with a license to stop Blocker in any way he could.  Dodger (Ministry of Commie Sympathisers) played deeper than usual, to ensure he could deliver the follow-up foul on Blocker should he survive Steve’s initial foul.  The Porirua pressure resulted in numerous shots in the first half, but few were on target.  The closest they came to scoring was through a period of five testing corners in quick succession, followed by a shot off the crossbar.    

Meanwhile, the Turts made the occasional foray into opposition territory.  Rohan (Ministry of Eternal Youth) and Glenn (Women’s Affairs) combined to make life difficult at times for the Porirua defence, with Glenn heading just over the bar in one exchange.  Wal (Monopolies Commission) created a couple of chances with his pace on the right.  Meanwhile, Marty (Ministry of Muppet Culture) subbed on and almost immediately subbed off with a groin injury.  Mark Nash (Ministry without Portfolio) came on for his first taste of Turtles football.  The first touch was good, but the second went straight under his foot.

Half time arrived at about the time Grunter (North Wellington Secret Admirers Crown Enterprise) showed up.  Sensing the mood, the big man whipped up a surprise concoction of Navel Orange (without the Sweet) to keep the lads on their toes. 

After an inevitable early onslaught from Porirua, the game evened up considerably in the second half.  Rohan and Glenn continued their high work-rate, with Gary (Ministry of Guns for Hire) becoming more of a presence as the game wore on.  He almost scored a terrific goal following a nice through-ball from Mark, with Gary’s shot striking the upright with goalkeeper beaten.  Meanwhile, in a self-proclaimed master tactical move, Gordie inserted himself in central defence, chiefly to partner Dodger in a sledge-fest at the back.  Strangely, this seemed to open up more chances on attack, with GT (Ministry of Vice-Captaincy Services) enjoying a productive run up front.  Our second goal followed a great passing movement with Glenn eventually finishing from a narrow angle after his initial shot rebounded back to him off the upright.  The referee, Zil (Ministry of Wine and Cheese), raised his arms in excitement before quickly composing himself and signaling the goal.

Porirua upped the tempo again, with Blocker still causing problems.  They became guilty of a few bad options in front of goal though; with the options getting worse the more often Dodger told them about it.  Then their number 4 started abusing his players and fouling ours.  PK (Women’s Affairs: Hosiery Department) was on the receiving end of these, but manfully kept his cool.  The last event of note was a straight Rohan run on goal snuffed out by an appalling offside call by referee Stevie (Ministry of Furry Little Animals).  He later blamed the Resource Management Act, for reasons that were unclear at the time.  After wrapping up the T*T award, he did manage to flawlessly blow for full-time, with the Turtles pocketing a famous 2-0 victory.

The mood was celebratory in the changing room.  Gordie was chanting ‘Wimbledon, Wimbledon’ in the corner, and ‘We are Ace’ did the rounds.  Stevie congratulated Steve L on his impending MoM award along the lines of:

“You did a great job defending Blocker, probably because you’re not very good, and you played within your limitations.  In fact, if you were a better player, he definitely would have scored.”  High praise indeed.

Snouter made his way to the Saab, well pleased with the result.  There would be the usual complaints from the Ministry of Bleeding Hearts over the decision to keep score and hurt the opposition’s feelings, contrary to the recently implemented self-esteem guidelines.  He could handle those pussies. As he squeezed into the front seat his mobile phone began to ring.  He looked at the caller ID and his heart sank: he had been expecting this call.

“Hello?”

“Mr. Coppersmith, this is Sam Bland from the Faceless Bureaucracy Commission.  I have some important news – the Government has decided to purchase Jetplane Press and convert it into a Crown Enterprise.  May I be the first to offer my congratulations.”

“This is outrageous!” exploded Snouter.  “Jetplane Press has been an integral part of Turtles culture and folklore over the last 25 years.  How dare you take it away!  Besides, it has a value of $300 million, the price Rupert Murdoch tried to pay earlier this season.”

Sam Bland coughed.  “Err, our own valuation team feels it is worth considerably less.  But rest assured, with the right management team on board I’m sure we can turn it into a commercial success.  Besides, Mr. Coppersmith, with the budget we have in mind you can provide consultancy services as part of your ongoing captaincy duties, at that stupendously high rate of yours.  What do you say?”

“Oh, go on then.”
 

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