July 2nd: Turtles 2 (1) - Porirua Crows  3 (2)
By Sir Clive Woodward

It had been a desperate week.  We’d taken a hiding from the AB’s at Jade and the spin wasn’t being swallowed by the fans or the UK press.  The fact was we were just plain shite.  I was up against the wall and had to deliver a result tonight in Wellington.  Thoughts of George Graham, the famous Arsenal Manager, came to mind:  “I’m here to deliver 1- nil wins.  If you want entertainment, go watch effing clowns!”.

So what to do?

All week I’d been getting the hard word to get more Welsh boyos into the starting line up.  But I wasn’t so sure.  Those that had slayed the dragon had come through for me before – I needed some prime English beef and I needed it fast.  I locked myself in the hotel room and did some net surfing.  Google turned up some willing lads playing football for the Porirua Crows and I decided to go and check them out to see if there were any potential recruits.

Sure, they were round ball types but they were mostly Poms and had delivered some good results.  Maybe they had the right stuff to face the haka, or at least be good for the pre-match team talk.  I sure as heck couldn’t count on Prince Willy for that.  He was far too busy stealing away the lassies.

It turned out that the Crows were at home to the Fabulous Turtles.  The Turtles had beaten them 2 - nil in the first round so it would be good to see what sort of bottle the Crows had.  Even their home ground was aptly named ‘Adventure’.  The off the wall approach appealed to my mischievous side.  Let McGeechan run the lads this afternoon – I’m off to Whitby!  Another fine English placename …. things were looking up.  On the way I stopped off in Titahi Bay, home of Michael Campbell, the US Open winner.  I needed to get some good vibes.

When I arrived at Adventure I was delighted to find the accents to my taste and the bulk of the Crows something that might trouble the AB’s.  The big number 4 was particularly to my liking – early on he was shoving those Turtles around in a way that Martin Johnson would have been proud of.  He even got all twisted when he was subbed early – I like that kind of petulance.  He was on my list.

The Crows had started particularly well.  They had possession for the first 15 minutes.  Knocking it around rather nicely.  The Turtles were looking like they were going to be run ragged.  One of the Crows subs said that the same thing had happened first game though – until Gordy’s guts got in the way and he slotted from outside the box.

Not so today though.  A bit of a slip up at the back and Blocker was put through on the left.  Snouter had given Dodge the job of marking him but he was nowhere to be seen.  Blocker side footed nicely to the far post.  1 - nil.

The Turts kept their heads up though (must mention that in the team talk tonight) and were soon putting pressure on the goal.   A bit of a scrappy move up the left saw Mark centre it to Gordy at the top of the box.  He coolly slotted it bottom right.  Very nice.  1 – 1.  Maybe he could teach my Scottish lads a thing or two about finishing.

I then got to witness some ineptitude that was on the scale that I had seen in Christchurch.  A nothing ball had been pushed through for the midfield towards the Turtles goal.  Dodge and Tel both went to clear it, got in each other’s way and the ball rolled through to Tippy.  Once more it was ‘lonely at the back’ for Snouter.  He nearly got a hand to it but to no avail.  2 – 1.  And all 3 goals had been scored by Poms or Scots – a good omen.

The ball got knocked about in the middle for a while after that but no serious shots on goal.  I got a little bored and went to the changing rooms to see if I could find a bit of G-on-G action.  Unfortunately there were no patrons to be seen – either present or former.

Half time came and I went to listen to the team talks.  Snouter was saying that the Turts were still in this and that the wind would be at the back for the second half.   “All we need to do is get some shots on goal”.  Blocker’s team talk was a little different.  “Its tight lads, I’ll go ref for the second half and see if I can’t give us a bit of distance”.  Interesting.

Early in the half the ball went out for a corner.  The Crows winger floated in a beautiful cross that was met by an equally good (Kiwi this time) header that ended up in the top right corner over PK’s head.  If the poor lad had been quicker-witted he would have grabbed hold of the cross bar and pulled himself up to head the ball clear.  He wasn’t though.  3 – 1.

It wasn’t looking good for the Turtles.  The Crows had the momentum now.  It would be vital that the Turts got the next goal.  And then a chance opened up.  A great through ball from the back sent Gordy away and he had Glenn to his left.  He held the ball up a long time until the younger-Wilkinson was on side and then slipped it through.  Glenn side footed to the near post.  Nice goal.

NOT!

Blocker blew for off side!!!  A gutsy decision given that none of his defenders appealed (and they’re not backward about that kind of thing) and he was still standing on the Turtles side of half way.  He was further away from the action than Johny Wilkinson can punt it – with a northerly behind him!  The Turts were not happy, toys were tossed and dummies spat.  Blocker was unmoved though.  I liked his style.  He’d do me.  He’d delivered on the team talk promise.  If only my Irish skipper had been able to do that.

The Turts were suitably pissed off and started playing with some real aggression and went looking for another goal.  There were lots of shots from outside the box but Eric was never really troubled.  Rat put plenty over the top like he was practicing drop goals.  Dodge was giving plenty of lip about wasted chances … the first half balls-up conveniently forgotten.

The Turts won a corner on the right.  Rat played a short one to Wal who chipped across the goal.  It was nodded on the Gordy who slotted it down the ‘muddle’.  3 – 2.  Later I heard him say it was like the parting of the Red Sea.  The Turtles were charging now.

Blocker decided that he couldn’t get away with another rank decision and put himself back into the game.  He got some space on the left and had a very nice chip to the top left.  Snouter watched it rattle the upright but it bounced harmlessly over the top.  The Turtles were delighted.  They’d had about enough of Blocker.

No late equaliser chances came and time ran out.  The Crows had won 3 – 2, but the Turtles had won 4 – 3 on aggregate.  There were lots of dark mutterings in the changing rooms.  Dodge was delighted to hear that Blocker had got 3 stitches from the goalie the week before. “Good job”.

But I had my plan.  I only needed to get Blocker to be the ref for tonight’s game and the Lions would prevail.  He made a good fist of it.  In the first minute he blew for a dubious knock on that stopped Tana running away for an opening try.  From the resulting scrum my new captain, a fine Welsh boyo, smashed over for a try under the sticks.  7 – nil.  What a start!

But then the tide turned and not even Blocker could stop the rot.  The AB’s were magnificent – particularly the Jockey kid that the Turtles patrons, present and former, are swooning over.  We got smashed by 30 points and I’m staring down the barrel of a Series whitewash.  I’ll be a laughing stock.  Soon I won’t have enough cred to manage a Masters grade football team …. Quick Alistair, I need some spin.
 

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