July 9th: Turtles 3 (1) - Waterside Karori  2 (1)
By Paul "P.K." Kyne

Turtles turn off would-be Patron

Charlotte Church releases her brand new album 'Tissues and Issues' this week, and  was planning to launch her bid to become the next Turtles Patron at the same time.  However, following her appearance at the Turtles local derby with Waterside on the weekend, it seems Charlotte really does have some issues to deal with. The newly privatised JetPlane Press has the scoop.  We background the sorry saga, and record the exchanges at the Turtles post-match press conference on Saturday.

To understand Charlotte’s desire to be Fabulous Turtles Patron we need to go back to May 2002.  Then, as an impressionable 16 year old, she read of the exploits of the Turtles on their understated, yet world-famous, website.  In particular, she read about the time that Kylie Minogue sang for the Turtles on the sideline as they scored three cracking first half goals against Olympic.  More recently she read how one Turtle after another burst into song while playing the beautiful game down at Wakefield Park.   

Inspired by what could be achieved with such huge talent, Charlotte resolved that she would follow in Kylie’s footsteps, and join the long line of absolutely fabulous Turtles Patrons.  

Fast forward to July 2005 and Charlotte seemed to be making all the right moves in chasing her dream.  The Cardiff sweetheart, now 19 years of age, had made the transition from starry-eyed teenager to world-wise pop chick.  Given her most recent exploits she was well on the way to making a successful bid to become the next Turtles Patron.  Charlotte’s bid was reflected in her own pre-launch messages in the Turtles lounge:

My Dearest Turts

Just so you hear it from me first, I thought you should know that the other night I was really hot.  So I nipped into the ladies at this gig and splashed water on my top, then returned to the dance floor.  I was really cool.  While I was dancing I was doing some real crazy stuff that you would have enjoyed like falling over and crawling across the floor barking like a dog.  It’s true.

A bit later I sort of remember falling over when I tried to climb onto a table to dance.  It was wicked and I was rolling around on the floor in hysterics having a great time.  In fact I was feeling so good that I ordered a round for the entire bar.  Unfortunately I couldn’t find my wallet, and the bartender rang for the manager.  I called him a “sheep shagger.”  You would have been really proud.

Love you guys heaps. 

Cheers

Char 

P.S. Did you get my photos.  Don’t I look great.  See you soon.

Charlotte arrived in Wellington on Friday 8 July.  When questioned at the airport about the impact of the recent London bombings, she was very circumspect.  In the wake of the September 11 attacks she had told the Sunday Times, "People tend to overdramatise and lose perspective".  Now she was choosing her words more carefully, preferring to comment only on her personal affairs.  She explained the recent hiring of her own bodyguard, "Everywhere I go people have got their camera phones out . . . It’s so unfair.”  

We at Jetplane Press have watched Charlotte’s development with interest.  So when she joined Snout, Tel, Dodge and Zil at the post match press conference on Saturday we took the opportunity to talk to her - about the game, her Turtles dream and the recent off-field exploits.

So Charlotte, what did you think of the Turtles performance today?

To be blunt it was a complete load of crap.  I’ve never been so disappointed.  I was gutted.  They had no shape.  I feel absolutely let down.  I realise now that I should have listened to Gavin.

Why did you choose to watch the Turtles on today of all days?

Just don’t get me started you obnoxious tosser.  Since I was 16 I have been reading about the Turtles and wanting to become their patron.  I thought I was on to a winner.  So I turn up here and what do I find – the pitch is crap, the football’s crap and I’ve got the bottom of my jeans wet from having to stand in a bog.

So you didn’t enjoy the atmosphere on the sidelines?

You’ve got to be kidding me!  What atmosphere?!  I had to make my own.  There was only one other guy watching, and fortunately he sold me a litre of SNO to help me wash down my Vodka. 

So you like the odd vodka then?

Too, right.  As I’ve told everybody, in an average night out on the lash, I can really sink 'em.  I usually tune up at home with a Cheeky Vimto—a port-and-vodka combination. Then I hit the clubs. I down ten double vodkas before calling it a night. By then I'm pretty trashed.

Is it true Charlotte that you don't like alcohol and only drink, in your own words,  "to get p*ssed and dance like a crazy woman"?

Well, I thought that I needed to project a certain image if I was to have any hope of becoming Turtles patron.  What a joke.  No offence, but having seen them in action I can honestly say the Turtles stink! 

Snout, how do you respond to that?

Well, Char’s got a point there because to be honest we’ve never stunk more than we did in the first half today.  We were real crap, especially when passing, dribbling, pushing forward and dropping back.  We went 1-nil down early and fluffed around aimlessly.  To be fair to the lads the pitch was a mess – a bog at both ends limiting the potential for free flowing footie.  But its no excuse.

So it was difficult?

Yep.

Right. Dodge, what was your take on the first half?

Well, Snout was stranded early as the oppo opened the scoring.  Personally, I take no responsibility for anything that happened in the first fifteen minutes.  However, I urged the other Turts to pick their game up because, from where I was standing, we were playing like crap.  Fortunately, after about 20 minutes, PK miscued a cross.  The oppo keeper fumbled at the near post and from Zil’s mediocre corner Chris Lavis somehow fluked a glancing header.  The ball sailed fortuitously into the top of the net.  1-1.

What happened next, Snout?

Don’t ask me.  Ask Terry.

Tel?

Well, possession ebbed and flowed for a while, sapping my psychic energy.  At one point Dodge made a save off the line - a rare piece of defensive genius.  Soon after an opposition cross came floating in from the right. Snout was caught in two minds, stranded by the precision of the cross.  I saw that he was beaten in the air and, being the only person within 20 metres, decided to head clear for a corner.  At the last moment, the goalposts came into view and as I made contact with the ball I nearly wrapped myself around the upright.  I was about to feign a hamstring injury when the ball ricocheted off the woodwork and back into play.  Luckily, one of the lads was there to help me clean up, and the crisis was averted.

So, Dodge, a good effort and the score remained at 1-1 for the rest of the half?

Hang on, Hang on.  Not so fast.  We need to make mention of Zil’s pathetic back pass – a perfect through ball for the opposition striker.  Now that was absurd and put him well in contention for T*T of the Day.  However, we could rely on PK to wrest the title away.  As if he hadn’t done enough pre-game, his blast over the top from short range was disgraceful.  To be frank, we deserved to be 2 or 3 down by the break.  Gordy had hardly got into the game.  Anybody would have thought he’d lost his boots or something.

So Charlotte, what did you make of the first stanza?

How would I know you imbecile?  I was off my trolley after twenty minutes, and although he had a bucket, that big fella Grunter didn’t want to know me.

So, what do you say about the media reports which record your bouts of excessive drinking, verbal abuse and late night antics?

I couldn’t give a monkies.  These sorts of stories don’t bother me any more. You kind of get used to it - you accept it is part of your job - if you're famous and you want this life, you have got to accept this part of it as well. You learn or you get out, and I don't particularly want to get out because I'm still having a good time.

Certainly sounds like it.  Back to the game. Snout, tell us about the second half.

Well there’s not much to say really.  We scored, they scored and then we scored again.  3-2, game over.

[Dodge interjects].
For pity’s sake.  It went like this.  They kicked off but we got on top early.  After about 10 minutes Chris sent PK away on the right.  He put in another lame cross, as is his way, only to have the goalkeeper slap the ball into the back of the net.  Own goal.  Keeper’s error.  2-1 to the Turts.  

By this stage we were starting to get on top creating lots of half chances but without reward. Glenn W. was doing some sterling work up the middle ably supported by Big Si and Tel from the back.  GT had a fling up front before relegating himself to the back four and, in an inspired substitution, Bobby came on to ref the final 30 odd minutes. 

About 20 minutes into the half, and against the run of play, the oppo scored a second goal.  Somebody stuffed up at the back, Snout got stuck in the mud, again, and the finish was clinical.  Bobby blew for 2-2.

Then with about 15 minutes to go Gordy made a rare incision from the left.  He weaved his way into the opposition goal area eluding three defenders.  His passage appeared to be blocked but with great skill he penetrated the defence only to be brought down by a cynical tackle from the rear.  Bobby had no hesitation, blowing hard as he pointed to the mud pie somewhere near where the penalty spot should have been.

At this point the opposition’s demeanour took a turn for the worse.  A number of the Waterside team revealed an ugly side to their character, crying “no foul”, “you’ve got it wrong ref” and “you can’t be serious.”  Others said lots worse.

Bobby, who was being both technically and politically correct, took his lead from Michael Laws, and told the oppo to ‘go away you bunch of single issue nutters’.  He stood his ground and I ran from the back to calm everyone down.  Meanwhile, Zil calmly paced out the 12 metres, chose his spot, and prepared mentally to take the pen. 

So Zil, talk us through the penalty.

Well, I would but I’m still hung over from last night and it’s all a bit of a blur.

Snout, what about you?

Sorry, I don’t watch penalties.  How about you Tel?

Missed it.  Too busy flexing.

Charlotte?

Look, leave me alone. You know, I’m really peeved that people always compare me and Gavin to Posh and Becks.  Don’t they know that Gavin plays rugby, and that I can sing!  I’m sorry, but Posh can’t sing and she knows it. She must know it.  And Becks is too old as well, and neither of them can drink as much as me.  I’m just so mad, its driving me crazy.

Ah, right.  Dodge can you fill in the gaps for us?

Sure.  Darrin was feeling very confident as he lined up the penalty.  In his 237^th (and second to last) game for the Turtles he knew that it was his destiny to slot this all-important goal.  After a brief moment of reflection at the top of his run he smashed a left foot bullet to the keeper’s right.  Despite a fine diving effort by the custodian, and a slight deflection, he was powerless to stop the ball from rattling into the onion bag. 3-2 to the Turts.

Any final chances?

Towards the end both teams wrestled tiresomely in and around the mud.  Mark went close with a looping header and Gordy went close at least once.  The defence held on well with Muzza making a brave return to Turtles action and Stevie H subbing himself off for the sake of the team.   At the end of the day we all trudged off with the result we so desperately needed.  But it wasn’t pretty and we’ve got plenty to work to do in the weeks ahead.

So Charlotte what do you about the Turtles now that you’ve seen them in the flesh? 

Oh, I don’t know what I’ve been thinking.  It’s my worst nightmare come true.  People will say I’m a fool and a fraud.

Why’s that?

Well take my new album.  It’s like a journey through a whole range of genres and moods.  It was totally inspired by the Turtles – or at least by the Turtles I thought I knew.  I wrote the single 'Crazy Chick' after reading about Turtles patrons past and present.  It’s so not cool any more, cos all that I’ve read and heard about the Turtles is just total crap.  The way those Turtles played today – well, it’s enough to drive me to drink.  Hey, who took my Vodka?!  Somebody get Grunter, I mean Gavin, for me!  I want to go home!

Charlotte before the game, and than being led away from the Press Conference. 

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