July 23rd: Turtles 1 (0) - Olympic  8 (4)
By Chris "C.J." Taylor

He rolled over and in the dim light of dawn enjoyed the voluptuous figure of the Fabulous Turtles Patron as she lay asleep after a night of mad passion. Her naked breasts rising and falling in the rhythm of her breathing.  “Those Turtles, they can all dream but I have the real thing” he thought to himself as he watched her naked body, lust returning to his loins. “My god, how lucky it is Grunter is so slack I get to travel the UK to attract some talent for next season. The current aging bunch are in need of an injection of youth….or maybe…. some ability.

Last week he spent hours on the phone talking to agents and finally landed two significant interviews for Saturday, today. David and that scouser Michael are due at midday to talk about a shift to NZ and a season with the Turtles.

After a typical English breakfast of fat and carbo’s washed down with a glass of Moet he couldn’t help thinking of Spratty. “I wonder if he stayed off it last night and is fit enough to play?......Yeah Right… remember he’s already given his legs to Turtle service and now he can only walk to the bar… and occasionally back again.”

11.45 in the Lounge he was preparing for his guests going over the numbers to be offered and rehearsing how Vic and Vanda would get on so well shopping in Kirks. He then picked up a loose paper and turned to the back page. The headline stunned him;

Terrible Turtles sink to worst ever defeat

He caught a glimpse of statements like….”Consistent flow of goals”, “Comedy of errors”.

He had been dying to talk to Grunter, show him the success of the trip and say haw, haw, haw as he laid on Becks and Michael to replace Zil and Gordie for next year. Now, with panic in his heart he read the rest of the article wondering how he could sell NZ and the Turtle to these two internationals. Maybe they hadn’t seen the result.

The article tried to explain things by acknowledging some unavailability’s. No Glenn nor Gordie. Where were these pikers? Zil had left the country at short notice….something to do with Tax, and Stevie H sipping wine in the Bay?....typical. The only positive was that  Donaldo is making a comeback.

It seems the Turtles started well, looking likely handling the usual bombcrater conditions but the first challenge from Donaldo gave a sign things weren’t going to go well for the Turts. It was so late the ball was long gone and so was the player. If Don can’t maim them the Turtles wont survive claimed the report.

Then the “consistent flow of goals”:

- After 5 minutes the rot started. A volley from the oppo glanced off the head of their slower striker and shot past Snout before he could move a foot. 1-0

- After 10 minutes the oppo got a cross in. Stevie L was planning his next golf outing and watched the cross sail over his head to the unmarked striker. 2-0 Snout still hadn’t moved a foot.

- After 25 minutes Tel headed a clearance straight to the oppo striker on the edge of the area who volleyed. Snout parried but the rebound was headed in. 3-0

- After 35 minutes another cross. This time Dodge was dreaming of Jeannie as the ball sailed over his head to another unmarked striker (how come theres no marking anymore?) who volleyed it in. Again Snout, clearly with boots stuck in the mud on the line, watched in awe at the shot. 4-0

 The second half started as the first had finished. The consistent flow of goals kept coming.

- After 47 minutes they found another unmarked man who finished well past a stationary Snout. 5-0

- After 55 minutes a through ball put the striker clear although the reporter was sure he was 5 yards offside. The flags stayed down. 6-0

- After 65 minutes a stationary Snout was beaten again and Dodges ungainly attempted set up another unmarked striker. 7-0

- After 70 minutes, Snout collected the ball and dropkicked the ball straight to the oppo. The reporter started to think the Turtles were throwing this game but the comedy wasn’t over. The oppo tried to lob Snout only to kick it straight at him. Snout, with his second chance ran to the edge of the area and threw the ball straight back to the oppo saying “Have another go, mate".7-0 The reporter began suggesting he knew where next years revenue was coming from. Dividends from betting is good money when you know the result in advance.

- After 75 minutes the Turts at last played some Total Football. A flurry of passing saw Gazza through and burying it in the left hand corner. 7-1

- After 80 minutes the oppo got another(my god this flow of goals is consistent… each 10 minutes they get through). 8-1

 The Reporter picked Rohan as MoM but reasonably asked “If he played so well why wasn’t he marking some of those ‘unmarked men’?” The reporter suggested they looked like a team of old men and need an injection for next year. SO….how was he going to convince Becks to sign up?

He could tell them how statistically well recorded they are, they are unbeaten this season and looking like league winners. There’s a great piece of beachfront real estate we can pick up for a song in Makara or if the hills are more his style we can get a place like Shania’s in the Tararua’s. He could sell Becks on the Total Football style of the Turts and Vic would have a good shopping mate in the Patron…..

But NO nothing would work now. With that game report he’d get nobody to sign up for the Turtles next year. The old men will just have to struggle on……

12.30  - he figured Becks had already read the report as he was another ‘no show’.

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