Turtle Name	Goals For	Own Goals	Assists	MoMs	TiTs
Wilkinson, G	0	0	1	0	0
Watson, A	0	0	1	0	0
Tims, G	0	0	0	0	0
Nash, M	0	0	0	0	1
Law, S	1	0	0	0	0
Lavis, C	0	0	0	0	0
Langridge, S	0	0	0	0	0
Kyne, P	0	0	0	0	0
Kinsella, R	0	0	0	0	0
Holden, M	0	0	0	0	0
Hambleton, S	0	0	0	0	0
Fernando, R	0	0	0	0	0
Davidson, G	1	0	0	0	0
Coppersmith, M	0	0	0	1	0
Calcott, G	0	0	0	0	0

As so often happens at this time of the year, I was struggling to come up with yet another idea for a match report in the days before this game. Several people have commented that last week’s effort with the suicide bombers was a trifle strange. Wal said ‘weird’. PK didn’t know what to say, just looked at me a bit strangely. It’s a shame that some people wouldn’t know art if it came up and shat in their pocket.

Well, that’s how it goes when you have to churn these things out week after week, year after year. Last year there were a couple more people prepared to have a go at doing a report or two, but this year that enthusiasm has tailed off a bit. Those that have helped out with match reports have put plenty of effort in, and this is appreciated. For some, the effort involved may not seem commensurate with the recognition received, but this is part and parcel of producing entertainment for a very small (probably) and invisible (definitely) audience. If you want to be celebrated at award ceremonies for services to minority interest groups, try the porn industry.

We are yet to see evidence that some of the new boys, such as Marty, Rohan and Gazza, have latent literary ambitions. The new chaps have added significantly to the on-field side of the Turtle organisation, and it would be fair to say that without our new players the numbers would be pretty slim, and defaults may have occurred. But have they got what it takes to go the distance? Do they play golf? Do they have children? Are they prepared to carry Spratty out of a bar at three in the morning? Only time will tell.

This should be my last match report of this year. (‘Make it the last one ever’, I hear some of you drone. Comments in the Turtle Lounge please). The last game of the season next week is due to be reported on ‘remotely’ from Sarasota, Florida by Weasel. Unfortunately there has to be a bit of doubt about whether our former left-sided hard man will be able to deliver on that one. The only contact he has managed so far has been a couple of mysterious phone messages at strange hours, and a scruffy little email sent from the Sarasota Public Library. The email said he only gets a 15 minute session, but it wasn’t clear whether that referred to his use of the library PC’s, or the private lap-dances he is getting at The Score Board, Sarasota’s favourite titty bar (323 S Washington Blvd).

In preparing for writing about this game against North Welly, I had pretty much decided beforehand to ignore the game itself, and head off on some obscure tangent. (Although you can rest assured, you Turtle wives who know who you are but shall remain anonymous, that Vanda would not have featured – that line has been discontinued since a couple of complaints, and also after CJ turned everyone’s stomach by describing a bedroom scene that featured himself with our beloved patron). The result against Nth Welly was likely to be a 5+ goal thrashing, given history and recent scores. There was nothing to suggest we’d be close at the end. Competitive certainly, but only for a while.

And pre-match events did nothing to change that: Dodger broke down on Ngauranga Gorge, and Nashy forgot his boots. The latter event was to be rectified quickly enough, but the former was at the mercy of the AA. It could have been hours before Dodger had his cam belt fixed. There was a school of thought that Dodge had sabotaged his own car to miss this game, but more likely is that Dodge sabotaged his own car to miss some heavy drinking commitments with Spratty over the next three weeks while both their girlies are out of town. Calls to ‘just come and have a quick half down the club’ could be met with ‘sorry, Spratty, still waiting for the AA’.

As it turns out Dodge made it by half time, but by then much of the excitement was over – it was 2-0 to the Turtles. The initial play of the game seemed a bit strange. That air of superiority, that arrogant, confident way of stroking the ball around just wasn’t there with Nth Welly this time. Perhaps because they were missing a couple of key players, but perhaps their hearts just weren’t in it as much as recent years, having lost a while back to Seatoun, and having seen Olympic taking over at the top of Masters 1 (for some time to come probably, unless the rules are changed).

Chris and Glenn were getting quite a good deal of the ball in the middle. This was a miraculous recovery by Glenn, who during the week had revealed a groin strain to anyone who cared to take a look. The back four had a bit of a make-shift look to it, with Steve L deputising at centre back with Si, and GT on the right, but they were snuffling out much of the Nth Welly threat. It was pretty obvious to all that Si was going to have huge aerial responsibility throughout this game, and he hitched up his man-breasts and got stuck in with several robust challenges to early Nth Welly corners. 

At about the ten minute mark, Si decided to go and try his luck at the other end. Wal had gone over to take a corner on the left, after one of our first forays up-field. Si was our main, and let’s face it, only aerial threat in the box. Si looked at what he was up against. Roxy was there and Ken, and at least one other big bastard. Wal let fly, and Si decided to try his luck, running in and jumping, and lo and hold, all the big bastards in the oppo just stood around while Si met the corner and powered it home.

There was still a sense that this was merely going to be a nice little moment for us before the inevitable pressure and resulting avalanche of goals. But after another ten minutes it was clear that this was going to be a much more even contest than expected. Up on the Nth Welly right, a nippy chap was giving Stevie H a few problems, but after one too many tricky turns a quad muscle strain put paid to that threat. Will these kids never learn? He was replaced by Stevie’s neighbour. Once again Stevie continued to be regularly embarrassed, but luckily his neighbour was suffering after a big night on the piss, and fluffed the openings he created, including putting one clear chance against the post.

PK out on the right, and playing his 100^th game in the Turtle colours, was enjoying a fair bit of space. PK’s Turtle career has had its fair share of highs and lows. From the early days, when he was used as an impact player, through to the free-running days of last year when marathon training gave him the pace to beat defenders and knock in the goals, and back again to this year when his original shape is returning once more. PK was getting plenty of ball today, and twisted and turned before linking up with those ahead of him.

The Turtle breaks up the other end were now regular. Rohan and Gary were chasing with good effect, and stretching the Nth Welly defence. Gordie was wandering around, popping up in defence, and doing sterling work there, and also getting forward when it looked likely up there.  When some nice play saw the ball get up the middle to Glenn, Gordie set off on a run, and Glenn played a perfect ball into his path. The finish was made to look easy, and under questioning later Gordie said that the keeper was badly positioned, leaving him with a big target of net to hit.

With a two goal lead, Gordie now saw the value of popping up more and more in the back four. This curious tactic gave us a more solid look at the back, and Gordie’s niggly tackles unsettled Nth Welly, as they are much more used to having things their own way. Gordie latched onto Stevie’s neighbour, allowing Stevie to pick up some of the spares coming through from midfield, and this made things look a lot tighter. It really was a master stroke by the chubby Scotsman, and his work in front of the defence in the second half was crucial.

The aerial threat of Nth Welly was always at it’s most dangerous from corners, but the challenges of Si, Chris, Steve L and Gordie did the trick, along with a couple of panicky clearances off the line.

Up front, Nashy had retrieved his boots, and was doing lots of unsettling bustling of the Nth Welly defence. From one high bouncing ball, Nashy was away, actually got past the keeper, and was on the point of getting a shot in at the open goal when the last defender basically grabbed the ball, and then cleared. The ref was a long way away, but there was really no excuse for not seeing or punishing this appalling piece of sportsmanship.

Never mind, we went to the break holding the lead. Si tried to charge up the lads by saying we were “45 minutes from glory”. Much laughter, washed down with a cheeky little SNO from The Boss.

The second half began with Chris having a break on the side. This was actually a tactical mistake, as Chris admitted later that he is never quite the same after being pulled off, although no-one wanted to delve too deep into the details of this. With Gordie holding in front of the defence, the Turts settled in for 45 minutes of siege. This was pretty effective for a while, and then the potential turning point of the game arrived – Matty Cantwell, the Nth Welly primary scorer, who was wandering around on the sideline apparently injured, came on. We’d seen this happen several times before, and knew he could change the game quickly.  

After a couple of little touches, Cantwell got his first bit of ball in the box. Facing away from goal, he hooked it over his shoulder towards the far corner. This was a defining moment – if it went in over Snout it would have signalled a turning of the game. But the Turtle captain displayed astonishing agility for a lard-arse to back-pedal and leap up to tip it over the bar.

This was just the start of Snouter’s heroics. Several other high shots came in, and he palmed them all to safety. There were several crowded moments from corners, but each time Snout got a hand in when needed, and there was also a bit of panic at one stage when an attacker was clear through, but Snout actually came rushing out and made his first stop outside the six yard box since 1992.

The Nth Welly threats were by now all over the place. Up the left their No. 3 was causing problems for Stevie H, especially when he saw fit to kick Stevie in the head. Queries as to the cause of this action were met with ‘Don’t be a woose. Next time I’ll thump ya’. This fine gentleman had later verbals with Stevie L and Si as well, and didn’t like receiving what he was dishing out. Being on the winning side against fuckwits like this is especially pleasing.    

The pressure finally told with about 25 to go. An awkward bouncing ball near the edge of our area came up and struck GT’s arm, despite his attempts to evade it, and the ref had no hesitation in giving the pen. It was one that could quite easily been waved away, in the way that eight previous hand-balls by various people had been, but the home ref saw fit to give it. Cantwell stepped up and smashed it home, although a great dive by Snouter saw him get a finger or two on it.

So the margin now was slim. Despite the siege, there were still a few breaks happening up field for us. Gary was taking control of difficult clearing kicks from the back four, and setting us away more than once. Wal made some great runs, and Nashy continued to hassle the Nth Welly defence to good effect. Rohan continued to make useful runs. He didn’t bring a girlfriend to this game, but promised to rectify that by going to party that night and auditioning Turtle supporters.

From one of our breaks, the best chance of the second half (at either end) came to Glenn as he rampaged through the middle. He was clear through on goal, but scuffed his shot badly, and the keeper, falling back, just managed to get a foot on the ball and it looped over the bar. Nashy was also clear later, with the keeper nowhere, but hesitated when a first time finish would have done the trick.

The back eight meantime were performing admirably. Marty went in hard when he had to, and got a blow on the nose for his trouble. Marty later insisted that everyone wear their Sunday best next week for a photo with the English League Championship Trophy, or something like that, a request which was largely ignored.

Vice-captain GT made many telling tackles, as well as slicing a few passes into touch to relieve pressure. Si was colossal in the air and on the ground. Dodger was now in at sweeper, and cleaned up the scraps that got through the siege wall in front of him. After Cantwell went off, the shots were mostly front long range, and went high and wide. Apart from the one from close range that hit the side netting, and another that skimmed across goal with Snout beaten, and just beat the far post. The belief grew with each effort that went astray, and with about five to go, Wal started a long run that relieved pressure and made everyone realise that the win was almost in the bag. He headed deep into enemy territory, finally ending up bumping into their elderly centre-back out on the sideline. Wal rarked him up, and the guy kicked the ball at him. It was lovely to see this from a team who are not used to being beaten, but for the most part they took the loss with good grace. In fact, Matty Cantwell was heard to say “you guys cleaned us out”.

It was a win for the Turtles that bordered on the historic, a game demanding a full, tedious description. And there it is.