Turtles Match Report - 13 August 2005

Turtle Name	Goals For	Assists	MoMs	TiTs
Wilkinson, G	1	2	0	0
Watson, A	1	0	0	0
Tims, G	0	0	0	0
McIraigh, M	0	0	0	0
Law, S	0	0	1	0
Lavis, C	0	0	0	0
Langridge, S	0	0	0	0
Kyne, P	0	0	0	0
Kinsella, R	0	0	0	0
Holden, M	0	0	0	1
Hambleton, S	0	0	0	0
Fernando, R	0	0	0	0
Davidson, G	1	0	0	0
Calcott, G	0	0	0	0

Chairman Zil got to his feet. The sumptuous white sand of Siesta Key Beach felt surprisingly cool beneath his feet, given it was hot enough to boil a monkey’s bum out there (your Majesty). He cleared his throat, and announced in his most officious voice possible:

“Attention everyone, the first meeting of the Turtles Supporters Club (Sarasota Chapter) will now come to order. Are there any apologies, Mr. Secretary?”

Treasurer Zil consulted his general ledger: “We successfully maintained a tight lid on expenditure since incorporation, Mr. Chairman. I’m happy to report our bank balance is still zero.”

“Thank you, Mr. Treasurer.” Chairman Zil consulted his agenda. “Next item is a report from our Legal Secretary.”

“Thank you, Mr. Chairman.” Legal Secretary Zil rose to his feet. “We have three lawsuits pending at present. The Turtles Shuffleboard & Bingo Club is claiming a breach of Copyright for $1 million. I expect we’ll lose that one. A certain Ezra Steinway has sued the People of Florida over a crack in his driveway. The jury is deliberating on this as we speak. Finally, General Motors and Ford have lodged a combined lawsuit against all owners of Japanese vehicles. I’d say we’re absolutely screwed on that one, too. In response, I’m currently considering suing my neighbour over a disputed orange tree to offset this amount.”

“Keep us posted, Mr. Legal Secretary. Next, our Recruitment Officer will provide an update on the membership drive.”

“Mr. Chairman and fellow members of the committee”, began Recruitment Officer Zil, “I’m tabling the following email transcripts to highlight my recent efforts to recruit new members for the Turtles Supporters Club (Sarasota chapter):

OH YEAH! I love dem Turtles! I started following dem way back in ’82 when Hitman Durry joined the team. In later years Donaldo provided me with hours of bone-crunching pleasure. And now they have their very own MACHO MAN – Telboy Hills. I was just watching the game against Stop Out Red. It was a lovely day at Ben Burn, sunny, but a brisk northerly. The ground was ‘bobbly’. Marty was in goal for Snout (in Sydney for the rugby), and GT was stand-in captain. After a pre-match talk that was dreadfully muddled, and definitely lacking some true WWF PASSION, GT won the toss and played into the wind, a curious decision. But within three minutes, it was 1-0 to the GOOD GUYS. Ratty Wilkinson was clear in the middle, and played a straight ball up into the path of a rampaging Wal, who took one touch to beat a defender, then tapped it past the oncoming keeper, and it just had enough to roll in. OH YEAH!

What can you say about these Turtles? My daughter became a secret fan while living in New Zealand recently. She used to attend games cleverly disguised as an Elven princess. In fact, I’m watching edited highlights now on DirectTV. The ball comes back to Ratty from a corner, he controls it before shooting. The shot is going well wide, but takes a huge deflection of a defender, and beats the wrong footed keeper inside the right hand post. 2-0. Ratty claims the ball never had a chance to swerve and dip in its trademark fashion. The Turtles are playing some good stuff into the wind, and continue to knock it around quite well, but the Stop Out team seem to have woken up a bit, and start to compete. They have some good players in the middle, and some quick forwards.

Gordie is getting cranky about the service up front. Plenty of aimless crosses, apart from a nice piece of servicing from Deux, who was put clear by Rohan, and popped over a cross into the middle. PK was right there, but claimed he was looking into the sun, and a perfect height for a header about 6 yards out somehow hits him on the back.

I live two doors down from Steven, and we always get together and watch the Turtles over a few lines. I love those guys, but I would like to comment about Deux’s performance; he did a bit of overlapping in this game, and usually Rohan, the left half, covered. But a couple of times Deux whipped out the binoculars and noted Rohan was off somewhere else. As he strolled back, Deux probably a mental note to draw Rohan a few diagrams before next season.

I found the Turtles one day while flicking through the porn channels. I was hooked, and would love to have them on my show one day. I’m watching the latest game right now on Spice; an innocuous looking attack from Stop Out up their left has a guy down on the line. He barges past Chris, and has a go at a cross. This is pretty much straight towards Marty in goal, but the wind curls it late. Marty is on his line, but several yards back from the near post, and, oh shit, has a wafty flap at the ball as it clips his glove and goes in the top corner. 2-1. Pretty awful. Later now, about 10 minutes into the second half, Gordie chases down a ball up the left, and from a very tight angle has a go at a cross. It’s similar to their first goal, but a bit more solidly struck (although not on purpose by the looks of it). It curls in at the near post, dislocating the finger of their keeper in the process. This is after Gordie had spent a lot of time complaining about the crossing from other people. 3-1.

I could use that Gordie. Get some trailer trash on another chair and have them shout at each other…

I got really hot on the Turtles last year when Pippi P**nstar became Patron. If that wasn’t enough, that Vanda chick has me in L**bo heaven. I must have her… I’ll agree to anything… yes, yes membership, whatever

I have plenty of free time on my hands these days like, you know, and just love the way the Turtles fight it out, you know? Take the game against Stop Out, for instance; a corner by Stop Out on the right with about 20 minutes to go was curled into the near post, against the wind, so it wasn’t going very fast. Pretty gentle really, but Marty fumbled, it seemed to drop behind him, and he fluffed a second attempt to stop it behind him. 3-2. It all looked pretty awful. Dodger was apparently speechless, so it wasn’t all bad.

Marty at this stage was pretty down, but he heroically agreed to carry on. The only other option was Stevie, i.e. no option at all. Marty had little all else to do though, luckily, Stop Out had some corners but they were badly directed, including one going directly behind.

The Turts were pretty bad in the second half, but again found a way to win. Stop Out were determined, just couldn’t get all the way forward into the wind. The Turtles did create several chances, including one over-lapping cross from Deux that was fekked up by Glenn. With the wind we had no long shots at all, Gordie and Ratty both having shooting chances that they fluffed badly.

Speaking as one whose career is in decline, I have absolutely nothing in common with these Fabulous Turtles. If I may wrap things up from the Stop Out match: the Turtles had won their cup final the week before against Nth Welly, but it was nice to see them win this one too, and finish on a good note. Big season really – if you add in the table for the first half of the season, and want to clutch at straws, the team was second overall, just one point behind Nth Welly.

After the game, the clubroom was crowded, and there were some guys from another team in the Turtle Lounge!!!!??? The queue for beers was ridiculous, so the Turts left, mumbling about lack of respect, and went to Café 162. Steve L was shouting for his 150th game. Marty was of course TiT. He revealed after the fine session that he has dodgy eyes, which are fine when he wears glasses, but when he wears contacts for a game a stigmatism affects his vision!!?? Big Si was MoM – a tough call, because no-one could think of who else to nominate.

So there you go. A fantastic season, and I believe Player of the Year voting is extremely tight. Please accept my membership application. <Membership declined – Zil>

Chairman Zil finished reading the documents. “Great work, Zil. Your efforts will be handsomely rewarded. Before I conclude the meeting, are there any other orders of business from the floor?”

“In which case, I now declare this meeting closed. Let’s adjourn to the nearest t**ty bar.”

August 13th: Turtles 3 (2) - Stop Out Reds 2 (1)