April 22nd: Turtles 0(0) vs Porirua City 6(2)
Match Report by Wal

‘Arise, Sir Mick’. These are the words that just about drove poor Keef crazy. He couldn’t believe that his Glimmer Twin had accepted a knighthood. What ever happened to the Street Fightin’ Man? How could he suck up to the establishment like this? Were all the years of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll to be wasted? Was he just another fairy like Elton?

Well, not for Keef. He had always been far more working class than Mick. He was going to stay loyal to his roots. He didn’t go for rugger or cricket or gin. He loved football. He had heard about a team that was the soccer equivalent of the Stones and now that he was in Wellington he was damned sure that he was going to play for them … The Fabulous Turtles!

After the show finished on Tuesday night, and the groupies had finished their G-on-G show for the lads, Keef called Grunter backstage. “I hear that Spratty has just about called it a day – I’m your man Boss – put me up front”. Keef threw into the pot a couple of luvlies and the deal was done.

Grunter felt a little guilty. Spratty was, after all, a long term Turtle. How could he break it to him that he was dropped for his favourite clash against Wests, and the redoubtable Blocker. Then he did some research – Blocker had recently had a burst appendix …. He wasn’t going to be playing again anytime soon. And Spratty, well he’d likely be limping off after 5 anyway. “So no problem Keef – see you Saturday at Adventure at 2.30. And go and have a few runs first. Mick might have forgotten his roots, but you could learn a thing or two about going the distance from him. Oh, and get a transfusion”.

So Saturday Came and the Lads gathered. Keef was late, but that was ok – so were a bunch of them. Dodge nearly didn’t make it at all. He’d been channel surfing the night before and stumbled across one of his all-time favourite horror flicks …. “Vampire Lovers”. It doesn’t get better than this. Bloodlust, Gothic castles, bared boobs and G-on-G vampires. He very nearly decided that the Bohemian life was for him and that he should give all this football nonsense away. But then he came to his senses, found his boots, dragged the strip out of the washing machine and headed for Adventure Park. Shame that he hadn’t got around to putting the gear through the dryer though …. an early claim on TIT.

Snout lost the toss again and we played with the sun on our shells. So we kicked off and didn’t see the ball again for another 5 minutes. The Wests lads were playing their usual game of possession football and were making all the running. We were going to need the talents of the artful dodger to nick the ball back.

Our chance came when their centre back was strolling along with the ball. Wal was sneaking up on him. Unfortunately the normally dependable defender had been to the Stones on Tuesday night and his hearing was still recovering. He never heard the calls of ‘man on’ and Wal picked his pocket. He took off towards goal with Wests in hot pursuit. Unfortunately the ball was always on his left foot and he wasn’t able to slip it past the keeper, Eric (named after our Stats Book). That would have been a good one to get against the run of play and proved to be an important miss. Wal was now totally knackered and Spratty came on for him.

About this time Keef’s helicopter arrived. Fashionably late. He was looking bleary … a little worse for wear and tear. He’d fit right in. There was smoke drifting over the ground from a neighbourhood garden fire so he thought it was another typical stage entrance. The autograph hunters mobbed him but he waved them away. “Not today you lot – I’m here for footy”.

Yet while all this was going on Spratty had been focussing on the game and been doing a bit of running around. He’s not the man he was though and his calf niggle was getting the better of him. “The man upstairs is telling me its all over Lads” and off he trudged for an early shower. Was this the end of the career for the greatest ever Turtles striker? The crowd sensed it was. Keef broke into a solo version of ‘you can’t always get what you want’. It was a touching moment. Hopefully there will yet be another encore for our little general …. Stay tuned.

So Grunter was right. Spratty didn’t play for long and Keef got to stumble on. He played up front. In retrospect this was probably not a smart move. Its not his usual position. Nowadays his role is more of a midfield supporter – though occasionally Mick lets him do a few tortuous cameos.

Incredibly the score was still nil-nil. Wests had been mounting lots of attacks but Snouter and the back eight were holding firm. The old, but still very quick and skilful right wing, went around Rat again but this time our ginga got a foot in and the ball went for a corner. In it floated to the near post. It was nodded on to the back and put away. Nice goal.

The second came from a move down the middle at the top of the box. It got pushed left and the Wests striker scuffed in a shot. The angle was tight though and it slipped inside the bottom right post, just outside the reach of Snout.

On the positive side the Turtles were now winning lots of ball. Davey J was playing particularly well on the left (of course). He was off birthday party duty so was putting in a rare appearance for us. Late in the half he got free and fed one through to Gordy. In previous seasons the club’s current ‘golden boot’ would have shimmied this way and that and calmly slotted it past Eric. Not this season though. He ran out of options and had to slip it through to Keef. We then learnt that he is better at ripping out mean licks than billowing out the back of the net. He laughed it off though, made a bow, and treated it just like any of his solo performances. He didn’t care … the groupies still adored him.

The clearance went out to the right and their winger took off again at Rat. One stride too far though and his groin muscle went ‘ping’. That was the end of him for the day. And soon after Big Si did something to his leg and off he trudged. Both teams were now down to no subs.

Another Turtles scoring opportunity came along soon after. Gary C won a free kick just outside the box near the goal line. He chipped it over with his left foot and Tel climbed to meet it with a great header on the back post. Eric made another fine save though and that was it for the half.

Keef particularly enjoyed Grunter’s SNO. He said that it was a hell of a lot better then the muck they were serving up backstage at Westpac Stadium. He brought out a few little pills for the lads as pick me ups for the second half … sort of ‘Turtles little helpers’. The lads felt MUCH better after these and we were ready to go again.

We then noticed something never seen before in Turtles history. Eric went across to the game on Adventure #2 to be their goalie. He’d obviously decided that he wasn’t going to see much action from the Turtles this half and he was replaced by the first half’s ref.

He was right. The new goalie didn’t have to make one save the rest of the match. The Turtles were spent. A further four goals were conceded. All clinically taken. We were being ripped apart. We were staring down our worst defeat ever. Keef’s pills had only served to sap our will and make us dream of all night parties in the Carribean. Something had to be done. And Rat was the man to do it. He had a plan. He’d get injured so bad that that the game would have to be called off early.

So the next time the ball came his way he swung at the ball hard, missed, and hyperextended his knee. He overdid it a bit though and ended up snapping the tendon (check the bump in the knee pics below - that's where a kneecap ends up when there's nothing connecting it to the shin! Ed.). We’d never heard screaming like that before. Dodge said that it wasn’t even that scary in ‘Vampire Lovers’. Mind you, Grunter didn’t get there with the water bucket until the 20th one. Keef had a few pills in his kit bag that could take the pain away, but Rat decided to wait for the ambulance. It arrived about half an hour later and he had some good tokes on the laughing gas. This seemed to take away the embarrassment that he was going to be carted off to A and E in the pink thong that he had knicked from Bernie’s drawer that morning.

He was still with it enough though to tell Grunter that he was cancelling his cheque for subs, and to sell his boots to Beaker (who had decided that the ‘nearly the most gay’ boots he had bought that morning were just too hard to live up to).

So the game was abandoned and our worst defeat ever was avoided. Rat was awarded MoM for going above and beyond. However, he has contributed to an injury crisis for the Turtles. Four went off injured in the match. Two maybe permanently. Dodge said that it was up there with years ago when a similar number got injured – the difference being in that game though none of them was on the ball when the injuries happened.

That night Beaker went out partying with the Stones and ended up in a bar where he and Keef watched their beloved Chelsea in the FA Cup semi against Liverpool. Both were so shattered by the loss that they they’re going back to the Stones tour. Beaker’s job is to work the foot pump that keeps Charlie upright. Farewell Keef. Thanks for leaving us the groupies!

So the Turtles are once again on the lookout for new playing talent. Just as well that Deep Purple is coming to town.

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