May 6th: Turtles 1(1) vs Seatoun 2(1)
Match Report by Si Law

“Snout with a Pout”

The sun did not shine.
It was a sh*t of a day.
But we still went to Seatoun ,
For some football to play.

I sat there with Dodger,
We reminisced for a bit.
And I said, “How I wish
We weren’t playing like sh*t”

Too unfit to compete,
Too slow to get to the ball.
So we sat in our half.
We did nothing at all.

And all Seatoun did was to
Shoot
Shoot
Shoot
Shoot
And we did not like it.
Not one little hoot.

And then something went bump!
How that bump made us jump!

We looked!
Then we saw him get up and begin to shout!
We looked!
And we saw him!
The Snout with the pout!

And our Don said, “No! No!”
Make their striker go away!
Tell their man with flash boots
We do not want him to play.
He should not be here.
He should not be about.
He should not be here
When our defenders are out!”

“Now! Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear!” said the Snout.
“I have some tricks up my sleeve
That will help stop the rout”

And then he ran off.
And, then, as slow as an old nag,
The Snout with a pout,
Came back in with a bag.

“I will open this bag.
You will see something new.
Two things. And I call them
Rat One and Rat Two.”
“Rat Two has a bad Knee
So he can not play.
Rat One supports Arsenal
So he is quite gay”

“Have no fear Big Si,”
Said the Snout with a Pout.
“These Rats are good Rats”
And then he gave them a Clout.

“Off upfield, you go,
And please score us some goals”.
“And leave in our midfield,
Some gaping wide holes”

“Take me off!” said Don Guthrie.
“This is no fun at all!
Take me off!” said Don Guthrie.
“No one will give me the ball!”

“Have no fear!” said PK
“I will pass you the ball.
I just need 5 touches
Before I trip and I fall.”
With a hand on one hip
And one on his bone
“I was trying my best,
Oh, just leave me alone”

The referee, then
Blew for halftime.
And all of the Turts
Went to stand in a line.
A leisurely chat,
And a bit of a drink.
The Snout with the Pout,
Was trying to think.

“Wal can push forward,
Marty, you hang back,
The crux of the matter,
Is we need to attack.

But with little possession.
And bugger all shape.
Our defence is held together,
With two pieces of tape.”

“But fear not team,
I have a cunning plan,
We’ll try and play the 2nd half
With one extra man”

Now Dodger spoke up,
As is often his way,
“This plan will not work,
We have only 10 fit to play”

So on we trudged,
And defeat ominously loomed,
With Gordie away,
We would surely be doomed.

But Boy had stepped up,
Into tackles he flew,
The Seatoun attack,
Was not sure what to do.

Steve Langridges knee
Was holding together quite well
Although nearing the end
It was starting to swell.

Gazza was getting through,
Mountains of work.
From not a single challenge
Did this Trojan shirk.

Backward and forward,
The play had seesawed,
By the Seatoun star striker,
The Turts were quite awed.

And then in a flash,
Full time was up on the clock
And I had a run
Down the back of my sock.

And with handshakes all round,
And pats on the back
We knew that our season
Was right back on track

And who should we thank,
Oh yes, the Snout with the Pout
For he had surely saved us
From one gigantic rout.

Footnote: As you may have been able to tell this match report was written in it’s entirety before the game was played.
The game itself is worthy of mention for a number of reasons; we only had 12 players for the match and given our proclivity for injuries this season we did very well to last the match with 11 on the field (although I was bugger all use for the last 10 minutes); The midfield as a whole played extremely well and it was probably our best performance of the year, highlighted by Garry and his non stop running. ; Boy who rose majestically to head home our goal before half time and the fact that we managed to keep the scores level until about 10 mins from the end. Their referee also rates a mention, although very good for most of the game, there were some very marginal calls in the last 20 minutes – the non-penalty because the ball was out of play (very good eyes to see this from the centre circle), penalising Dodge for someone jumping all over the top of him and also for thinking he was refereeing a super 14 match and stating that retaliation is the worst offence. In Football both offences are judged on their individual merit. I.e. – If I was to punch an opposition player in the head and one of their team retaliated by pushing me, I would still expect to be sent off, not their player who retaliated.
Overall a good game that was contested well between both teams and certainly no complaints about the final outcome.

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