Turtle Name	Goals For	Own Goals	Assists	MoMs	TiTs
Wilkinson, G	1	0	0	0	0
Watson, A	0	0	1	0	1
Tims, G	0	0	0	0	0
O'Donnell, J	0	0	0	1	0
McIraigh, M	0	0	0	0	0
Law, S	0	0	0	0	0
Langridge, S	0	0	0	0	0
Kyne, P	0	0	0	0	0
Kinsella, R	0	0	0	0	0
Hills, T	0	0	1	0	0
Guthrie, D	1	0	0	0	0
Calcott, G	0	0	0	0	0
Bevan, Neil	0	0	0	0	0

Parkinson looked at the schedule of events

“Fuck, I thought this prick Snout was on last, he’s a bitch to interview. Can we swap him and the PM around? I’m sure Tony won’t give a fuck.”

“M, Tony wanted to go last.”

“Who the fuck does he think he is? I run this show, I am the show.”

“M, it’s all been finalised, Snout, Sam Fox and then the PM”

“Oh yeah, little Sammy, bring that one on, her and her new friend. Lucy, be a good little girl will you and hand deliver this card to her dressing room. She will love it”

Knock Knock.

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Mr P sir, you’re on in five minutes, can I just check your ear piece again”

“For Fucks sake”

“All clear”

“M, this is Lucy in the studio, can you hear me?”

“Yes I can fucking hear you”

“Great. Let’s get started”

“Cue music…and three, two, one…”

“Good evening. My first guest tonight is a man who you are all familiar with, a veritable hero between the sticks who never seems to get ah … skinnier. Please welcome Murray Coppersmith, the man we all know as….Snout.”

“Evening, Michael”

“Great to have you on the show Snout, you’re looking …. er… great”

“Thanks, I have been working out a lot lately, leaving the car at home and walking to KFC and then on to McDonalds in J’ville. It’s been really knocking off the kilos.”

“What has brought this on, this new found enthusiasm for working out?”

“Well, as you know it hasn’t been a great season for the Turts and after I picked up ‘TiT’ in the first match, with what was described as a bumbling performance, I felt I had to do something. Also, the side needed some guidance and I felt it needed to start from the top.”

“Have you found this has worked?”

“No.”

“A lot has been said about your changing the formation from 4-4-2 to 1-3-1-3-2. What changed your mind?”

“Nothing, it may look like that but basically we have people running, or should I say waddling or panting, all over the place. It looks like the shambles it is. I am a great believer of 4-4-2 and will never change.”

“Snout, if I may bring up the rumours about the Turtle Patron, Candy and yourself.”

“No, you may not.”

“So they aren’t true then?”

“A lot of negative press has been circulating recently which has been affecting team morale, which has a knock on effect on our performances.”

“Are you talking about the Patron, Candy and yourself?”

“Yes … I mean, no. There was the Dodge stalking incident at Big Si’s father’s 70th, Stevie’s blast at the team’s chief medical officer for not providing enough support …”

“Yes, I read that, something about Grunter refusing to fluff Stevie H’s pillows and tuck him in at night.”

“That’s correct. It all weighs up. We did however win our first game in the weekend, and I am really proud of the lads for the way they battled.”

“Turning the corner, I hope. You didn’t play, why was that?”

“I had a slight injury.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a bit embarrassing really. I was looking for my slippers the other night at home. I managed to get lost and tripped over some gym equipment, slightly spraining my ankle. I was found two days later by our gardener, who was naked. Apparently he sprayed his clothes with toxic chemicals and had to remove them. I was lucky he came when he did.”

“I’m sure.”

“Anyway back to the match. We battled hard and pulled off a good result. I also must say that I would like to really thank the fans that turned up. It’s great to have the support we are having - 18 loyal supporters. Not many teams in the grade can boast those numbers. We scored early with a well taken goal by Glenn W, after fantastic work by Neil and Wal down the right. Then it looked as if we were going to run away with it, Tel getting it on the right, putting in a great cross and Don was there to finish off with a gutsy header past the keeper. Two nil - game all over … or so we thought. Boy, my replacement then completely managed to stuff up a cross from the right and flap it into the opposition forward’s feet for an easy tap in.”

“That’s a bit harsh. I happened to see the goal on the highlights and it was a very dangerous cross.”

“Look Michael, that ball should have been caught, it was a mistake.”

“Then what happened?”

“I could see we needed a boost so I awarded a penalty.”

“Oh, that was you reffing then?”

“Yes, not much good it did us. Wal aimed top right corner but hit 37 Firth Terrace instead.”

“A good contender for TiT then.”

“Oh yes, Wal was the only one nominated.”

“Who claimed Man of the Match?”

“Boy. I didn’t agree with it. I thought he didn’t move his feet correctly on a few occasions, his kicking was a little aimless, his shirt wasn’t tucked in as it should be and his back four made him look good.”

“On the highlights he looked very good, especially when the Turtles were under siege at the end.”

“Yes well, I think he still has things to work on. I’ll be making my thoughts known to the Selector and Captain to reinstate the original keeper when fit”

“Aren’t you the Captain, Selector and original keeper?”

“Yes, but they still need to discuss it.”

“If I may bring you back to Turtle Patrons. As you know we have Sammy Fox, the first ever Turtle Patron.”

“Yes, I can’t wait to see her again, especially now that she is shopping at liquorland. Out of all the Patrons she was the classiest, pure sexy with huge boobs.”

“Quite. Snout, you’re an inspiration to us all, and, for the moment, thank you very much.”

“Thanks Michael, it’s been a pleasure.”

“Our next guest is a young lady whose meteoritic rise to stardom reached a pinnacle with her stint as Turtle Patron in the late eighties. Please welcome Samantha Fox.”

“Hello Mikey, lovely present in the dressing room. Hi, Snout.”

“Hi darling, you’re looking great. Where’s your friend?”

“Waiting, Snout”

“If I can just come back in here, you were Turtle Patron for a number of years.”

“Correct and I loved every minute of it. That is, until they sacked me for that other tart.”

“Did you watch the match on Saturday?”

“I sneak along every so often, hiding in the trees. I must say, that new guy Neil looks good and the Pieman certainly has a lot of stamina. I also liked the look of Big Si’s man-breasts. He could have a great modelling career if he chose to go down that line. Snout, can you please get off the floor and stop looking up my skirt.”

“We’ll just take a commercial break….What the fuck are you doing, Snout? Get him out of here. Lunatic. This is a family show. That’s it. I’m off for a smoke and a coffee. Sammy, I’ll be back for you later.”

Authors note:
Unfortunately these are the only extracts taken from the above show, one of the first Parkinson never to get to air. While Parky was getting his nicotine fix, Snout was running around the studio taking off his clothes, dodging security, muttering something about being “well up for it again little Sammy baby”. The next 30 seconds was like slow motion, a moustached man with what looked like a wig, started walking down the stairs in the studio audience with a gun in his hand shouting, “I love you, I always have and if it wasn’t for those bailiffs we would be together forever and ever. If I can’t have you, nobody will.” Les, on camera three, tried to jump on the intruder, a shot was fired and blood sprayed all over Jeff, on camera four. Luckily for Sammy the intruder slipped on the blood hit his head on the edge of the stage and knocked himself out. Suddenly another short stocky man ran onto the stage with a baseball bat yelling “I knew I would find you here you absolute wwwwwwwwan wwww prick!!!” Jeff who was completely blinded by the spray of blood fell off the stage onto the second man causing him to fall to the floor with the half naked Snout tripping, and falling on his prone body. Security intervened and the cops were called.

Paul Gorsuch was remanded without bail and charged with attempted murder. Bryan Perkins was charged with being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Snout was shipped off to his hotel with Sammy Fox and her friend. Mr M was seen loitering outside.