July 29th: Turtles 2(2) vs Stop Out 4(1)
Match Report by Zil

My triumphant return from the greatest goddamned country in the history of the world was treated with the kind of disrespect we Americans have become used to from the rest of the planet these days.  Firstly, the weather behaved in a manner that demanded a decent hiding, if possible.  Then, (acting) captain GT omitted me from the starting line-up!  Countries have gone to war for less.  Finally, the Turtles changed the fining rules to ensure maximum profit when I inevitably earned MoM (more on that later).

Given the general attitude Americans are faced with, it’s a wonder I even bothered to turn up.  But, after a busy Saturday morning reading the Bible and cleaning my assault rifle, some time became available to play for the old team.

The weather cooperated for a change, and the Turtles opted to play with the wind behind them.  Snouter injured himself line dancing on that Mediterranean cruise, so Boy took over as stopper, with GT assuming the role of ‘Best Captain Ever of Asian Extraction’ (BCEoAE).  Snouter called the plays from the sideline.  At least he turned up – Deux the Cripple was a no-show, claiming the Turtles ‘were crap to watch’ (paraphrased).   He should try watching MLS sometime.  Anyway, I umpired the first 20 minutes brilliantly, quickly establishing a two-goal lead for our team.  Wal and Neil caused early problems for Stop Out, with Wal in particular showing good pace down the right.  The first goal surprised everyone though.  Their stopper looked to throw to a receiver downfield and fell over.  The ball popped out, and Gordie did well to slide the ball home after a heavy tackle from their cornerback.

We continued to play well, but this Stop Out side looked quite useful.  Decent bunch of guys too, except for that No.3.  Roland Rat told to him to watch his elbows, and he responded with ‘I’ll show you an elbow, mate’.  In America, this guy would probably be on death row.  In your permissive, God-less country, he’s free to terrorise the fields of Karori.  Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s ‘assisted the police with their inquiries’ on occasion.  And it wouldn’t surprise me also if he knew the location of Tony Stanlake’s hands.  Anyway, No. 3 extracted his revenge shortly afterwards with a nasty challenge on Roland’s back.  Possibly a sending-off offence, but as the recipient was my brother I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

We went ahead 2-0 when a brilliant through-ball to Neil saw him race clear inside the box.  Their strong safety took him down and his claim of ‘I never touched him!’ was laughable.  Up stepped Wal, our placekicker, who guided the ball unconvincingly home.  Shortly afterwards, Wal took over the umpiring role and I was back playing for the Turtles again.  We continued to press, with Don and Glenn in particular blasting chances high, wide and handsome.  Meanwhile, I was dazzling everyone with an impressive array of back heels and foot drags.  I practiced these moves back in the States whenever I had a spare moment, which was most of the time.  On the right side, PK made two huge runs, then crawled off, signalling madly for Grunter to erect the oxygen tent.  Grunter was prepared as always of course, and administered mouth to mouth (against PK’s will).  In the second half, Grunter impressed again when producing spray (spray!!) to care for GT’s sore boot.

Stop Out pulled one back before halftime with a decent goal.  A great pass followed by a fierce shot.  Boy did well to get a hand on it, but the ball had enough on it to find the back of the net.

Surprisingly enough, the second half saw the Turtles play good football into the wind.  We dominated for long periods, which was particularly noticeable while I played left-back.  Dodge and I just stood around, watching Big Si, Donaldo and Roland ping the ball into the playground.  Granted, the wind made it difficult, and their stopper produced some great saves.  Lance, Wal, and a Donaldo header came close, while Roland Rat hit the bar, with Gordie missing a sharp follow-up header from close range.  A cornerback nearby remarked to Gordie he would’ve scored had the baby been born.  A not-so-subtle reference to Gordie’s impressive girth nowadays.

In between times, Stop Out did score three goals.  PK, desperately trying to escape the attentions of Grunter, decided to referee the entire second half.  Some poor play at the back ended with Marty handling in the box, which is illegal if it’s soccer.  PK had no choice but to award the PK (not PK the player, but PK as in Penalty Kick, you Kiwi morons).  Boy, our stopper, decided not to dive to conserve energy, although admittedly it was a pretty good penalty.  Wal was later seen taking notes.

They scored again with a shot from long range.  Boy saw it all the way, then suddenly recalled his wicket-keeping days, and missed it completely.  On the sideline, Snout had a case of déjà vu.  They scored again late in the game when Gary failed to cover both his own man and the greying overlapping midfielder who had left me behind.  I battled gamely after him, and had the perfect angle to watch him smash it in off the underside of the bar.

To our credit, we kept trying.  Thirty seconds from the final whistle, Lance turned his man beautifully and lumbered after the ball.  We had players in the box waiting for the inevitable cross, until Lance pulled up lame with a pulled hammy.  And that was that.  A good game, with the superior finishing of Stop Out carrying the day.

After the game, we adjourned to Café 162, and I picked up a deserved MoM award, although the new $10 max was clearly designed to penalise US citizens.  As an American, I take this superiority in my stride, and it will look good on my resume.  I do like returning to New Zealand for these accolades from time to time.  It’s a great country, even if it does boast of its nuclear-free status.  If some of us had our way, it wouldn’t be nuclear-free for long, if you know what I mean.

So how can the Turtles improve from here?  One word: drugs.  As those great Americans Floyd Landis and Justin Gatlin can testify, anything is possible, as long as the masking agents work.

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