August 12th: Turtles 1(1) vs Seatoun 5(4)
Match Report by Wal

Gordie wasn't there

Eric had always loved Bingo.  His family had spent many hours in the smoke-filled Bingo rooms of Porirua.  There was nothing more pleasing to his ears than the excited Grannies calling ‘line’ and ‘bingo’.  Even better were the groans that followed.  He also loved football.  And there were lots of groans in that too.

He had now moved ‘into town’ and was a card-carrying Bingo caller at the Ngaio Town Hall.  Every Monday and Thursday night you could hear him calling out ‘Heads down.  Kelly’s eye …. Number one, two fat ladies …. Eighty eight’.  He had quite a following.  His life was pretty damn complete.  There was one thing missing though.  He needed a local football team to support now that he had moved into town (besides, Blocker and the rest of the Porirua City lads weren’t up to much these days).  The choice was obvious – the Fabulous Turtles!  Most of them were hanging around the Café Villa these days anyway so they were an easy bunch to get to know.

He’d been turning up to Ben Burn Park for several weeks now and had got a feeling for the FTFC culture.  He loved these lads …. The history, the banter, the abuse!  It was against the match against Seatoun, the last of the ‘official’ season, that he had a brain wave.  Why not combine his two great loves.  Bingo and football.  He’d be a legend! 

So on the following Monday night at the Ngaio Town Hall ….

Evening everybody.  Some new calls tonight so you’d better listen close.  OK … let’s spin the wheel and see what comes out.  Eyes down!

“First number …. Thirteen.  Age of the hockette.”

“Minutes that Seatoun held the ball for after kick-off … number seven.”

“Nights spent in his car after his marriage break up … number two.  Nice one Spratty.”

“Length of PK’s dick … same as inches that first Seatoun goal was headed home from … number four.”  It really was a beautiful cross to the far post; leaving Boy no chance.

“Number of Turtles who turned and looked the other way when Bobby threw the ball at the Wainui thug.  Ten!”.  He was younger in those days … but, even so, it was not the smartest move on his part.  You sure find out fast who your mates are when you’re being knuckled in Wainui.

“Number of days for his black eye’s swelling to go down …. Eight.”

“Minutes before Glen equalised from a penalty …. Fifteen.”

He thought back to how that half had gone on Saturday.  There was no doubt that Seatoun was playing better footy but there the Turles were at 1 – 1.  They did have the advantage of a stiff wind at their backs though.  The Seatoun lads had not been beaten all season and had already won the League.  Perhaps this would be the day though.  There was no doubt that the Turtles were on a roll having beaten Porirua the week before, and it would certainly be justice for Arthur’s shocking refereeing performance at Seatoun Park earlier in the season.  In football you just never know ….

“Number of goals scored by Seatoun in the next 5 minutes  … three.”

And that was it.  The game was gone.  The Seatoun lads had attacked down the middle and there was no one at home.  The Turtles were cut to pieces and the half-time atmosphere was rock bottom.  Even the SNO tasted bitter.  The second half would be into the wind and all about pride.

“Bobby and Snouter …. Eighty eight.”

‘Line!!!!!’  Mrs Thompson from number 17 was beside herself with glee.  She’d been waiting on that one for a few calls.  She’d had the image in her mind for a couple of minutes now.  Nearly too much to bare.

“Longest of Boy’s goal kicks into the wind …. Forty five.”  His drop kick really was working well into the wind.  Shame there was no Turtle brave enough to head it though.

The Lads were under a lot of pressure but the half time score remained the same.  Perhaps the Turtles could hold on into the wind and get a ‘second-half-draw’.  Some good chances opened up for Glen and Wal but neither could net it.  And the Seatoun back four was as solid as ever.  It was going to be penalties or nothing.

‘Average fine handed out by Dodge …. Five’.  The Turtles opinion of him remains unchanged.

‘Age of Spratty at next birthday …. Fifty’.  Eric thought that it would be nice to see a return from him next season so as to make him the second oldest Turtle since Chris Lavis (rhymes with Davis); and the second slowest.

‘Number of times he visited the loo after a particularly lethal curry on FA cup night … seventeen’.  Who could ever forget the brave stand in the white singlet, the licked bowl …. And then his look of terror.

‘Number of hairs on GT’s chin ….. twenty six’.

‘Distance the Scotsman scored from to put a dagger in their hearts …. Twenty two’.  And that was it.  There would be no moral victory for the Turtles this half.  Brendan scuffed one from outside the box.  It just got by an outstretched Boy.  The celebration run towards Arthur was truly puke-making.  Just as well he doesn’t score too many.

So the match ended 5 – 1.  The last of the season.  Next week a ‘friendly’ against Stop Out … whatever that means. 

The Turtles finished fifth.  They’d done better.  They’d done worst.  They’d lost Zil, Phil and Stevie.  Shame that.

‘Number of Turtles needed to start the 2007 season …. Twenty’.

‘Number of times that Mike has actually finished a match …. One’.  Well done son, about time.

‘BINGO!!!!!’.  Vicar Hambleton was ecstatic.  Plenty of groans from the others though.  He’d spend the winnings on an annual subscription to ‘Band Camp G-on-G Action’ and swap notes with a former Patron.

So Eric put away his balls, and dreamed of another glorious season hanging out with the Lads, and Vicar Hambleton.

Seatoun's 5th goal caught on camera.... sort of:

No pressure....

Look carefully...

Snout thinks about it but decides to let Donaldo get in at least one tackle without blowing:

The crowd is on their feet for the absorbing encounter:

The result decided, the boys tried their hand at line dancing:

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