May 9th: Turtles 2 (1) - University 3 (1)
Tel misses from 6 feet. What's worse, the keeper was
clearly shite.
Back on our spiritual home, Ben Burn. The mere mention of this ground shakes older Turtles out of their senile dementia, and brings back happy memories. Our record score, 25-1, with tall youth Dave Molony scoring 9. Bobby, in goal, sitting on a chair sipping the champagne provided by Jonathan, while the opposition approached. Weasel, receiving a short pass two feet in front of goal, allowing it to hit his knee, chest and nose (prompting bleeding) and over the bar. CJ and his crosses into the kindergarten. I could go on, but I'm sure you are much more interested in the present day, and our battle for respectability after a horror start to the season. If you're not interested in this, then what the hell are you doing reading it; piss off and download some porn, you sad f$@%..
Right. Ben Burn. Some rain had softened it up a bit, much to the relief of some weary Turtle limbs. At least half of us were carrying some injury or other, and all the subs were ready and warmed up prior to the (always precarious) pre-match stretching. Amazingly everyone made it to the kick-off intact. Terry of course started limping after about five minutes, but played on, and after a while the subs started to lose interest, put some more clothes on, and commenced the traditional heckling. When there was nothing to heckle, the usual pleasantries were exchanged with our band of loyal supporters, who today included proud parents Malc and Aud Garrett, come to see wee Simon play with the big kids.
Simon scored a goal later in the game (which his Mum missed), and in a lovely gesture for Mothers Day let his Mum pay his subs. Also on the sideline were Gazza's two dogs, little scotch terriers. They are very cute and friendly, but just how cute and friendly Gary finds them has been thrown open to conjecture by his admission that he has their bums shaved (professionally of course).
The oppo were, as usual for Varsity, a disorganised rabble. They didn't even have team socks! But unlike many of the Varsity teams we have played over the years, this lot were certainly not disorganised once the game started, and played some attractive football. As you would expect they ran around a lot, but accentuated that with some skilful touches, even back-heels for goodness sake. They had a big stocky guy up front who would not have looked out of place in our back four, except for the facts that he was probably 15 years younger and 15 times more skilful. The early exchanges highlighted their attacking ability, but for the most part our defence coped. Simon and Terry formed a formidable defensive structure in front of the formidable belly structure of Dodge. Up front, Spratty, Nick and Si (G) were being encouraged by some panicky defence by Varsity.
But it was the oppo who scored first, after about ten. A winger got around behind Steve L, and approached the sun-burnt Snout in goal. Sun-burnt in May? Snout, an accountant of some repute, had spent the previous week in Rarotonga, on the pretence of saving the Cook Islands government from bankruptcy, but really spending most of his time drinking pina coladas and drooling over scantily-clad local women (allegedly). The Varsity winger had a shot, which bounced off Snout's taut mid-riff, and rebounded nicely out for another of their attackers to hit home. At about the same time this goal was scored, a quite sizeable earthquake occurred (about 4.4 on the rectal scale), so you can take from that what you will.
Unaccustomed as we are to going down to an early goal (it had been three weeks since the last time), this came as a shock, but nobody burst into tears, which was a good sign. Sure enough, we got even. Phil started a run from the left, and was rewarded with a nice touch from GT (a knee) to put the ball at his feet with only the keeper to beat. Showing the clinical expertise of a surgeon about to remove a troublesome knee cartilage, he drew the keeper to his left and slotted it to his right. The rest of the half was an even contest, although some, as usual, incompetent refereeing from Davey caused moments of stress for both teams. An oppo defender nearly scored an own goal to rival some of ours of late, but it just missed the top corner. Certain Turtles should take note of how that is done.
At half-time Terry put his body back in cotton wool for another week, and Don came on to add some much needed violence. Your author also came on, to add nothing at all. Now playing in to a gusty wind, our control up front seemed better, and the constant availability of Nick and Simon was helping to create attacking opportunities. Simon made a great run down the right, and squared for Spratty. Having scored 247 goals in the Turtle shirt, Spratty is more and more these days being told by his tired little legs that that is quite enough, so he put it over the bar from close range. At the other end Snout was not being particularly troubled, and was enjoying his fresh memories of brown jiggly bits (allegedly). The game was there for the taking by either team. And it wasn't going to be us, matey.
We went very flat after about 15 minutes, possibly due to lack of fitness; who knows. This allowed Varsity a period of dominance, and a jammy goal resulted. Don tracked a player down towards our goal line on the left, and had him covered. This guy hoofed it over his head, and it curled, wind assisted, over Snout, who was on the near post, and past a defender (who shall remain nameless) approaching from the other side. With heads down about that, the oppo were soon attacking again, and a ball was played into the near post. Simon had it covered, but decided to dummy, an odd decision to say the least. A defender (who shall remain nameless) approaching from the other side managed to half clear it, but once again an attacker was handily placed to score. Shit.
Things looked bad, but that old fighting spirit re-appeared, and the game wasn't over. The same can't be said for one of the Langridge knees though. After a tackle on the right, one of the Langri was helped from the field, his right knee having collapsed for (some say) the last time. We think it was Phil, but we'll need a doctors note before knowing for sure. Carrying on after a sombre break as the wounded hero was dumped and ignored, numerous chances were created, but nothing easy, It took a Simon (G) finish to give us hope. Some say it was a sliced shot which curled into the top corner, but having scored several great goals already this season, no-one questioned it.
As the last desperate minutes ticked away, the Turtles attacked heroically, but the ball would just not bounce right, and it must be said that their defence was good, with everyone behind the ball.
So we found out what is was like to lose a close one. Better than being thrashed, but not
exactly pleasant either.
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Phil in action for (possibly) the last time, moments before his knee gives out.