June 6th: Turtles 0 (0) - North Wellington II 2 (2)
"Dodger" - your match report author this
week
"PHILDO CALLS IT QUITS"
That was the devastating news overshadowing
all else this week, as Turtles' midfield maestro Phil 'Hooter' Langridge announced his
shock retirement. The news was not all bad, as the balding Lombardo lookalike admitted it
was only for the rest of the season and he could be back for the 1999 campaign. But
footballing history is littered with failed comebacks by players who look that old.
Pressed for an explanation, he cited his recent injury, but this seems dubious given
countless recoveries from far worse. His form was never the same after shacking up with
Kerry, and given his decision to forgo Wednesday night practices for a foray into the
world of Thai cooking and house evaluation, more cynical Turtles believe that the team is
playing second fiddle to his desire to expand his range of domestic skills in preparation
for a lifetime of attempting to breed the perfect injury-free Langridge. Leave it to the
genetic scientists would be my advice.
Asked to name his career injury highlight, he claimed, "They were all memorable, but
my favourite would have to be the broken nose 30 seconds after I came on at half-time as
our only sub."
So will the Turtles ever see his like again? I think not. With the advantage of hindsight,
it's doubtful we'd ever again select a big-nosed, no-haired, one-footed, permanently
injured ex-hippy with a penchant for unsuccessful 30 yard chip shots and an average of
zero tackles made and 10 minutes played for each of his 150-plus games.
Anyway, to the game. Bit of a let down, this one. The tone was set early on when a kid's
ball rolled down the Newlands Park hill to Spratty on his way up and he miskicked it
behind him onto the road. An inauspicious start for the loud-mouthed 53 year old whinging
Pommy bastard. Resources were spread rather thinly this week, with not much hope held out
for a full game by professional injury victim Tel, Public Enemy No. 1 on the ACC hit list.
Let's face it, if he was on the far side of a herd of a million crippled wildebeest, the
lions would still sniff him out. And meagre bench support was expected from cripples
Rat-a-deux and Dodge, along with the hungover Steve L., less famous brother of the
aforementioned Phildo. He apologised publicly after being pictured in the tabloids
drinking, smoking and embracing a woman in a nightclub. "I accept there was a lack of
professionalism by me in not realising how my actions were likely to be interpreted,"
he said. Turtles manager Grunt said yesterday, "I am very disappointed with what he
did, that goes without saying. But the lad has apologised." Phew, that's a relief.
The game was pretty much restricted to a pattern of intense Turtles defence, generally
relieved by some incompetent long distance shooting from the predominantly right-wing
North Wellington strikers, followed by sporadic breakouts from the Turtles, usually
culminating in poorly timed final passes, mishit shots, and high pitched abuse from
no-prizes-for-guessing-who. But occasional moments of inspiration did shine out through
the general gloom of having to play at Newlands Park.
It soon became clear to sidelined Turtles that this was not to be one of Bobby's great
days in the Turtle shirt. Moving with all the athleticism of an aged sloth looking for the
ancient sloth burial ground, he soon settled for a policy of saving his energy by playing
out of position and not tracking back after his winger. The skipper's comment, "Bobby
looks completely knackered" scooped the pool in Saturday's state-the-bleeding-obvious
contest. Although Bobby, who after all must be at least 15 years past his use-by-date,
claimed he had the flu, rumour has it that this performance owed much to the consumption
of another 40 ounce bottle of some no-name brand of gin.
After 25 minutes, the team went a goal down. Failure to clear a corner left an opportunity
gratefully taken by an opposition thug, although given the Turtles form this season, it's
amazing that one of us didn't kick it in for him. Another Nazi then chipped one onto the
bar causing a bit of consternation, relieved by Si sacrificing his ankle for the team,
rather surprising considering his fag performance of the previous week. Simon G.'s daddy
Malcolm then commented on the lack of pace in the back four compared with Nicko's
performance of the previous week, when he showed such speed as hadn't been seen at the
rear since Big Si Law last went out with a girlie almost his own age. Although some have
claimed that that was a mistake, or never actually happened. The writing was on the wall
just before halftime when a cross over our defence found an unmarked (by Bobby) forward
who comfortably volleyed it past Snout for their second goal.
The second half began with as superbly timed an obstruction by Wal as you could ever hope
to see, thus saving us from going another goal down. Bravo! Bobby was now replaced by the
partially recovered Steve, leading to doubts among the team as to the possibility of
getting a hot shower after the match. The Turtles then worked a lovely move upfield, which
finished with Spratty shooting inches wide from 20 metres when on current form it would
have been easier for him to hit the corner flag. True to form, Terry chose this
moment to be stretchered off, and was replaced by the team's less than inspirational
captain. Soon after this, a clearance fell nicely for Big Si's left foot and he volleyed
just wide as the left hand touchline spectators ducked for cover. Then the crucial miss,
as Simon G. charged down a pass to get clear of their defence, but, in trying to find an
unmarked Spratty, kicked it straight to their goalie. I'm not allowed to criticise the
youthful and sensitive Simon here, so I'll leave it to Spratty to give the little bastard
the bollocking he so richly deserves. GT then missed an opportunity to kick ex-Turtle
McCarthy in the head as his close range shot was blocked. If only that chance had fallen
to Don!
Time for one more classic foul from Don, remarkably to be followed by an apology, of all
things, and you could sense that this wasn't going to be our day. The game then petered
out, but not before some token argy-bargy between Nicko and one of their forwards. Funny
how you can never find an honest copper when you need one. In summary, probably a fair
result, but definitely a game we could have won with just an ounce more luck / skill /
commitment. Look forward next week to Rat-a-deux's match report, back by unpopular demand.