July 25th: Turtles 6 (2) - North Wellington I 0
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"Zut Alors, mais est-ce qu'ils pourraient
gagner contres les Turtles ?"
(Blimey, but could they win against the
Turtles)
It's only days since they were crowned as the best football
team in the world. The French spanking handed out to those naughty Brazilians is being
acclaimed everywhere, and among the thousands of words written, the above headline caught
my eye as I skimmed my favourite Parisian broadsheet, La Chronicle de Merde. The article
was by Phillipe Languid, a sports columnist renowned for his peculiar opinions and
outrageous accent. The article began with a short description of Languid's latest haircut,
and then got down to more serious business - (translated)
"... and she finished me off with a flick of the
wrist.
"Anyway, what about those footballers ? Are they
the best ? I feel it is my duty to bring the French public back to reality by insisting
that no team can truly be acclaimed as the world's best without facing, and surmounting,
that pinnacle of footballing excellence, the FTFC. Such a clash can of course never take
place, as the French superstars need to report back for club duty, and the Turtles have
heavy obligations at the Backbencher for the next few months, but lets just muse a little
on how this "Dream Fixture" might unfold. It would obviously be a battle of the
defences, as the forwards of both of these teams are absolute crap, so lets match them up.
"In goal, each team has a potential match-winner.
Bartez may be one of the best in the game, but undoubtably lacks Snouter's business nous,
so the knee-less wonder shades this one. In the middle, the Turtles have ability in the
air (Tel/Si) and on the ground (grass), and probably just have it over Desailly and co. in
the sledging stakes. At fullback, the ability to over-lap and cross is greatly over-rated,
the best defenders being those who stay where they are put, not moving around too much,
and here again the Turtle fullbacks come out on top. In the defensive midfield position,
Deschamp is commanding and violent, but can he design a web-site ? I think not. Out wide,
the Turtles have pace, trickery and two of the best crossers in the game, but these
qualities can't quite make up for the lack of a really snappy haircut and a good dress
sense, so I'll have to go with the French in this area. Now a crucial match-up - a broken
down old man against a brilliant play-maker with a devastating haircut. Despite Zidane now
being widely accepted as the world's best player, I'm going to go with Spratty on this
one, for his ability to make ridiculous bets whilst drunk. In the goal-scoring department,
neither team has a goal scoring department, so I'll move right along.
"The game will never take place, but if it did, I
would say that all things being considered, at the end of the day, if the lads gave 110%,
and had the bounce of the ball, the score would be 0-0".
Garlic munching, bicycle-riding, Rainbow-Warrior bombing,
wine for breakfast onion breath bastard ! What cheek. We'd show him. Ha !
After a couple of weeks off due to the WSA not wanting us
to play in sunny, dry conditions due to the risk of melanomas, the Turtles were fired up
for this clash with traditional foe Nth Wgtn, a team renowned for having no vowels.
Considering it is one of the most exposed pitches in Welly, Raroa was almost pleasant, and
a couple of wives and babies even stayed to watch. As a team, we desperately wanted to
score a few to show that so-called Languid that knocking three past Brazil is nothing
really.
Our re-arranged team had Weasel in the heart of midfield
with Cooky, miraculously back from injury again. Up front the skipper returned to help out
unfit youth Simon. Could this combination produce the goods. In normal circumstances no,
but Nth Wgtn kindly played only nine, so this made us all look good. Not content with the
numerical problem, the oppo were nice enough to give us a goal in the first minute. Simon
played a ball through for Cooky, and he finished in the manner of someone half his age.
The game unfolded predictably - we had acres of room in the middle, from which Tel and
Darren directed play. Davey (yes him), was wide on the left, and with lots of room was
able to deliver some nice crosses. Up front there were plenty of chances. Simon and Cooky
ran off each other, and the skip picked up the pieces, but all our shots were either too
high or a yard wide. Their keeper did some good blocking, but our long-range shooting
didn't really test him much. But then again. Simon shot from wide on the right, and
although the keeper made a good save, he didn't hold it, and skip snaffled the rebound for
2-0.
We should have had five by half-time, but at 2-0 Spratty
saw the floodgates opening, so demanded to be brought on. The second half was pretty
silly, as we attacked at will, but took far too many long shots, and you know how good we
are at that. The oppo made a few incursions, but these were snuffed out. The feature of
the game was Bobby's battle with one of their forwards, also referred to as Blobby, for
reasons unclear. These two walrus-like figures had a titanic battle, and it was our
man-jelly-mountain who came out on top, as was recognised by his M-o-M award. Snouter had
a trot late on, somewhat unwisely, as Tel went in goal and surprised all by calling loudly
for a cross and catching it cleanly out towards the edge of the box. Snout had always told
us that such play was illegal on the grounds of it being ungentlemanly conduct, so now we
know better.
Our goals in the second half went something like this -
1/. Wal crossed from the right, a defender half cleared,
and Simon slotted along the ground from the edge of the box.
2/. Cooky on the right layed the ball into Spratty's path,
and he jabbed in a strong toe shot between the keeper and the near post, thus ending his
longest dry spell since the snip in '87.
3/. Cooky collected outside the edge of the box, and for
once decided to try a shot along the ground. With the help of a nice bounce it defeated
the keeper.
4/. Cooky got round the back on the right and slammed a
square ball across the front which Simon met sweetly on the volley.
Pas de problem. For the first time this season we went into
positive goal difference. Our buoyant mood was soon shrivelled by cold showers, and later
by the AB's losing to the jaarpies.
PS. Nice final touch by some of the oppo players, just to
remind us of who they are - as myself and the Weasel were getting in to his car after the
game, a car containing some of the oppo drove past, and about twenty yards up the road a
box of empty beer cans was thrown out the window. No more need be said. Fin.
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