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August 15th: Turtles 3 (2) - University 5 (2)Anderson Park, the venue for this, the penultimate game of the season, is referred to affectionately by many Turtles as the home of cricket. Many of our newer readers may be curious as to why this is so. Most probably don't give a shit, and are sick to death of the way these reports tend to drone on for a couple of pages before getting down to a description of the match. Well, if you have a bit of patience, you might learn something, tosh. Back in the summer of '81, a small group of alcoholic cricketers were having a jug or six (these were the days before checkpoints) at the clubrooms of the Collegians Cricket Club, which just happens to be at the aforementioned Anderson Park. Clarky, CJ, Steelo, Bobby - the names echo down through the years to inspire the current custodians of the dynasty. Being young and virile, these fine specimens were wondering about how they were going to expend their energy excesses during the coming winter months. Several had played a bit of rugby, but as this was 1981, and the All Whites were capturing the imagination of the country as they strove to qualify to Barcelona, social soccer got the nod, and the FTFC was born. History records that the first match took place at Cannons Creek No. 3, a ground famous the world over for it's putrid smelling mud. What is not as well known is that the first goal was scored by CJ, toe poking it in with his trusty "flankers" rugby boots. (Source: R. Murray, The Svelte Years, Hoddle & Staunton, 1985). Since that day, Collegians has been a feeder club for the Turtles, in much the same way as Tranmere and Scunthorpe are for Liverpool. So when the Turtles play at Anderson, usually against Varsity, there is sometimes a bit of confusion about what exactly is going on. And, as this particular game went on, what the Turtles were playing began to resemble more a gentle game of social cricket than social soccer. It started out OK. Several hours before kick-off the skipper received a phone message from Steve L's Mum to say that wee Steve had got pissed out of his fucking tree last night and didn't feel up to playing today. Adding this to Dodger's absence (in Chch playing draughts), replaced by Nicko, and the back four looked relatively slim. Within the first five minutes, Simon G got clear down the right and had a run at the keeper, but became confused, and aimed straight for the keeper, mistaking him for a batsman. Simon was to maintain this confused state throughout the game, although all the rest of his deliveries were wides or no balls rather than on target. We had numerous chances early on, and finally got one in when the ball fell to Naz close to goal on the right. He had a go himself, with no luck, then gave the skipper a nice cut-back, which was converted in dribbly fashion (right foot again). At this stage we were playing well. Tel was being an influence coming forward, Don was putting pressure on their midfield, and Spratty was directing things in front of him. But the oppo have been prolific goal scorers of late, and they eventually got one back. If my memory serves me correctly, which is unlikely, Terry and Don collided, and an oppo attacker accepted the chance <Dunno which game you were watching Pal, but I only collide with the oppo. - Ed>. With about 15 to go in the first half, the skip received a pass from Spratty with his back to goal, turned round to see no defenders anywhere, and had a ping. The goalie helped it in to the far corner for 2-1. With half-time approaching, the heavy ground was taking it's toll, and the oppo were looking threatening again. For some reason Weasel was suddenly the last line of defence, and when a first time clearance was required from his right foot, things looked bad. His air-ball set up a nice chance for the oppo, and it was nicely slotted. Nice was not the way we felt at half-time, being on even terms after having much of the play and a lot of chances. Spratty's mood was low. 45 minutes later it was to be subterranean. Terry said he felt a bit sick, but, no, he would soldier on. He may or may not have played the second half, as no-one present remembers him doing anything. But we did start the second half well, and got forward a bit. Naz was battling away at right half, and provided some ball for Spratty to distribute. When he wasn't distributing, he was complaining about Simon, or getting kicked by the oppo for spending too much time on the ball. He also had a go at throwing the ball in, but was thwarted by the oppo captain, who pretended it was a lineout. Some of his players apologised for him being an utter twat. Spratty retaliated with a perfect free-kick in to the box, and Naz rose to flick it over the keeper. Naz enjoyed this moment immensely, but unlike Island Bay in June, this was not to be the winner, as there was a long way to go. Seeing us happy spurred Varsity into action, and from this moment on the fitness of youth took over. Don was completely over-run with players swarming through, and Nick was often called on to make last ditch tackles. GT and Bobby were getting diddled regularly out wide, not a pleasant sight, and Naz and Weasel were struggling to stay with the runners. It was one-way traffic for a while before they got even, their big striker waltzing through three tired tackles on the byline to finish from close in. Things were looking bad, the Turtles dreaming of the cricket season, standing and applauding the oppo as they attacked the bowling with some delightful shots through the off side. PK came on for Bobby, and also did a good impression of a social cricketer. The fourth goal was the product of a one-two outside the box and a good finish, admired at close range by most of our team. We actually did awaken for a short time after this, and created two good chances. Unfortunately both fell to Simon, who was bowling like a drain by this stage. The first came to him in space on the front edge of the box, after approach work from Weasel and a touch from Spratty. That went way over the top. The second was from a nice cross from the skipper, which gave Si a straight forward header from two yards. That one went two inches over the top. Spratty now advised Simon how fucking useless he was. He may well be, but Spratty would do well to remember that very few people have actually shat themselves on the football field, as Spratty admitted to doing many years ago on MacAlister Park whilst stretching for the ball during the mother of all hangovers. Missing twelve thousand easy chances wouldn't top that little gem. Naz engaged in a bit of biffo around this time, and mysteriously took a kick in the leg a short time later. He limped off to be replaced by Steve L, who had a note from his Mum to say that his hangover was a bit better, and could he please have a play. The oppo came back at us, and in retrospect it is surprising they only got one more. A square ball went across the face of our goal, and PK had a chance to clear. Instead, he took up a fielding position on the near post, and number five resulted. So our run at second place ended here, a bit of a bastard really, but cricket is a funny old game. |
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