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April 17th: Turtles 10 (4) - Stop Out 0 (0)Stop Out were once the pride of the Hutt Valley, if there can be such a thing. They were, in the Seventies and early Eighties, the premier football club in the city, and regularly competed near the top of the National league and often had good runs in the Chatham Cup. A couple of years ago the FTFC played a Stop Out team at the Hutt Raceway <Webmeister note - it was 1996 and the Turts won 2-0. Half-time drink was Lemon/Barley>, scene of many a thrilling national league game in front of reasonable crowds. It was early September, the season had effectively finished, but we had to play this meaningless fixture to appease whatever assiduous trojan was running the WSA fixture list at the time. After getting changed in the bar (!), we reluctantly stepped out into the driving rain, and spent 90 minutes being physically and verbally assaulted by a bunch of lunatic Indians. Afterwards, in search of a hot shower, we had to traipse 100 yards across a sludgy bog, clamber over several fences, then break in to a derelict shack. The demise of the Stop Out club could be compared to that of the once great English team Manchester City, who not long ago were winning local derbies against Man United, but now have to dig out the road maps each week to find places like Macclesfield and Bury. But at least Man City are dragging themselves back up (Wembalee, wembaleee); Stop Out are speeding down Shitola Street in a Cortina without brakes. Witness the team sent along to play us on Saturday. Not a bad bunch of blokes, and a few reasonable players (at our level), but after the first ten minutes, when they competed evenly, they seemed content to let us play our own game and see how many we could get. The fact that we were only able to get four in the first half was more due to our finishing than any resolute defending on their part. First up to miss was Gordi, who broke through from near the centre circle, and approached their goalie menacingly. It was unlucky that his powder-puff shot straight at the keeper did not go in, in light of later events. Si G shinned a cross over the top from 3 yards, and several other feeble efforts went wide, including a Tel diving header that left him with mud in his nose ring, before Cooky opened proceedings with a goal that befitted the quality of the game thus far. After another failed corner, he received it wide on the right, about 25 yards out, and scuffed an attempt directly at the keeper. Everyone watched quietly as it dribbled towards goal and hit the keeper on his shins. He then watched with the rest of us as it coughed and spluttered along the goal-line, hit the post, came back along the line a bit then spun in. Si G then scored twice from off-side. The second was allowed, it being a lovely effort from Si in the top corner after a Nicko flick on. Proud parents Malcolm and Audrey celebrated enthusiastically on the sideline by having another mug of Bovril from the thermos. Tel was then rewarded for his attacking running with some room in the box. He had to back-track slightly to collect the cross, and miraculously did so without injuring himself, before slotting it. He seemed to try to rip his shirt off Ryan Giggs style to celebrate, but it got caught in his nipple ring, and after a painful moment he trotted back to be insulted by Dodger. Si got a second soon after when a wayward Spratty effort hit his ankle and deflected in. At halftime one of the truly great Turtle moments - SNO for the 100th time <Webmeister note:- sorry guys, no it wasn't. Actually this was SNO's 97th appearance as evidenced in the All-Time Drink Stats>. Players with a sense of history sipped it reverently, but most slopped half of it down their shirts as usual. Blobby, surely the worlds foremost authority on SNO, was heard to say that, in his opinion, "It could have done with another stir". In personnel changes, Phildo, who had been trialing for the Div 8 team on the adjacent pitch, came on for Cooky after being told that they would "let him know". Cooky was complaining of a crook stomach, which is middle-age speak for a hangover. The second half scoring got going pretty early, when Gordi broke forward in similar fashion to his first half run. This time he took the ball to the left and finished expertly in the right hand corner. Tel then nodded in directly from a corner, the second time in Turtle history this has been done (both by him). By now it was no contest, so the skipper dragged Si G to prevent him getting any soft goals and thus gaining confidence. This allowed Nicko to run around up front, which he did to good effect, getting a lot of precise through balls from Gordi, one of which he slotted nicely. Weasel then got two. The first was completely forgettable, or at least it probably was, because the writer of this report can't recall it too well. The image of a Spratty miskick dribbling across goal to be gratefully accepted by the arriving Weasel on the far post drifts across the mind, but that could be any one of 50 goals over the last decade. Who knows. Weasels second was a lot more pleasing to the eye though, as a corner was flicked on by Gordi and Weasel arrived in a timely fashion at the far post to nod in - his first headed goal since 1971 in the back yard at Island Bay. Spratty claimed an assist for having told Weasel to move there, but after due consideration this claim was rejected by way of the usual two-finger gesture. Our last goal came when their keeper, by this time pretty demoralised, took a feeble goal kick that went straight at Gordi outside the area. After trapping it, he curled it around a defender and into the open goal before the keeper had finished his follow through. V. classy, the kind of thing Spratty might have done 10 years ago. Or perhaps 15. But that is not where the goal action finished though. From another corner, Gordi looked likely to become the second ever Turtle bla bla bla, but a defender on the line handled. Snouter was signalled up, and 10 minutes later arrived to take the pen. To the delight of everyone he blasted it over the top, and so, on a day when Tit-of-the-Day looked like being a tough call, took the prize for the second week running. PS. Any errors made in the above report with regard to the order that the goals were scored is purely on purpose, and no reason for a stream of abuse from Dodger. |
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