April 24th: Turtles 9 (2) - Tawa 0 (0)
What's becoming of the Turtles - 4 Headers in one game!
Much intrigue in the build-up to this game. After Tawa waltzed through their first two games scoring 23 goals, there was widespread panic in Div 5. Rumours abounded that these guys were going to run away with the league in a similar way to Troy and Co. from Lower Hutt in the last couple of years. Last week in the clubrooms, a very senior club official informed us, off the record, that Tawa had "at least five" first team players from last year playing in this team. Much later on that afternoon, Spratty was overheard telling Terry, that "this is the big one", and that the only way we could possibly win was if they both had big games. Big Tel, ever the gentleman, nodded solemnly, and passed Spratty the nearest jug. A lesser man would have told Spratty that he's a broken down old soak living in the past.
In a desperate bid to get this team kicked out of the grade, a very senior member of the Turtle midfield sent a strongly worded email to the WSA. The WSA replied stoically "No comment". And then, on Monday, the news that this invincible team had been thrashed by the Cops. Mass confusion. Larry King had Nelson Mandela on the next night, and asked him - "what has gone wrong; has the Tawa bubble burst?". Nelson, ever the gentleman, told Larry that he was a broken down old soak living in the past. Details finally filtered through that this was indeed the same Tawa team, and that, in spite of their first two results, they were, in fact, shit.
All this was very distracting for the FTFC selection committee, who had a big issue to deal with - 16 fee paying Turts available and keen to play. This unprecedented situation posed the difficult question of who to drop. After a jug or two at the BB the selection committee were feeling no pain, so decided to inflict some on two people drawn out of a hat at random. So those who fronted up at Redwood felt lucky to be there, and, perhaps fearful of the all-powerful selection committee, played well.
From the start the oppo, young and enthusiastic, rushed around with great endeavour, but their poor passing meant any promising positions were squandered. After a while the FTFC started to get on top. In the blustery cross wind, controlled passing was difficult, so quite a bit of ball was knocked forward waywardly. But up front Si G and Nicko were magic. Virtually every time the ball went up there, they were first to it, controlled it, and layed off. Some of the short passing was enough to take an asthmatic's breath away. From this platform we were able to push up, with the whole team contributing to attacks. With Nick's help, Phil and Wal were able to thrust down the flanks, and from one of these Wal crossed with precision. For some reason, Don was the one on the end of it (well out of position), and headed downwards, under the keeper, and in.
After this, we started to control the play, with Don and the mysterious Mr X in our midfield finding time and space. Numerous long-range shooting opportunities arose, Tel going closest with a volley. The next goal came, incredibly, from another Don header, this time direct from a Mr X corner. This seemed to deflate the oppo somewhat, and we were able to stroke it around. At the back there were few problems, although one of their forwards, a big, stupid pillock, did win a few in the air. Si L tidied up any threats in the middle, but the distribution of the back four was generally crap. As well as Si connecting with only 6.3% of his passes on the day, the skipper at left back put a couple of passes over the fence, including a free-kick that nearly cleared an adjacent rugby field.
At half-time, Tel came off, much to the relief of his girlfriend. Rosie had just arrived from Aussie, and was feeling the cold. They disappeared into his car, where, it seemed, he had a one bar heater on full. At 2-0 it wasn't quite safe, but Gordi came on and soon made it so. Twice in the first five minutes he collected about thirty yards out, made a mess of the fullback and slotted on the near post. The camera was at the ready to record his hat-trick, but Gordi decided that that was enough for one day, and spent the rest of the half adjusting his socks. Next it was Si G's turn. His first came from a delightful Mr X cross. Running on to it in the box, Si showed the benefit of having had about 15 similar chances over the last month, and nodded it sweetly over the keeper. His next effort, also a header, was less glamorous. Gordi advanced down the right, and approached the goal from a tight angle. His square ball rebounded off several legs, up onto the bridge of Si's nose and in.
In between the goalfest, Snouter had a couple of scares at the other end. From one long range attempt he displayed his basketball skills by juggling it against the cross bar couple of times before catching it, and later he displayed some hitherto unknown soccer skills by dribbling out of a tight situation, dumbfounding all present.
Next up to score his two goals was Spratty. After coming on at half-time, he spent a bit of time getting warmed up, then proceeded to take the piss. The way he strolled around giggling wound up a few of the oppo, particularly their two forwards, fine examples of the Tawa College production line of intelligentsia. Spratty's first goal came from a free-kick wide on the left. After getting advice from Malcolm on the sideline, he curled it into the far top corner. Shortly after that he was over on the right wing and collected a short pass from Wal. Seasoned Spratty watchers yawned loudly as he jinked past several defenders on his way back into the middle, and once in front of goal slotted it quietly. For some reason the oppo and the ref were in a great hurry to get going again, and seemed thoroughly irritated by Spratty wandering slowly back onside for the kick off. Having had his moment in the spotlight, Spratty pulled a muscle two minutes later and limped off.
The last goal was kindly provided by the oppo's centre back. This was the same guy who had spent most of the first half telling Nicko how good he (not Nicko) was. As Wal got round the back and played a square ball across the face of the goal, this fabulous player topped off a fine defensive display by deflecting it into his own net.