July 2nd: Turtles 8 (4) - Petone Angkors 0 (0)
An auspicious omen - Nobby Stiles
called The Turtles before the game to wish us luck
It
was a braw, brisk afternoon at Te Whiti when the Turtles arrived for their
crunch match against the Angkors. The
sun was just rising around Bobby's stomach even though it was 2.30pm (see last
week's picture for the Mr Blobby lookalike photo). It was a surreal moment:
footie in the glomman with the sun starved land throbbing in and out as Blobby
breathed, much as Nico had been doing the night before (dream on Nico).
The
pitch conditions were looking frosty with a light covering of snow, or was it
dandruff from "The Black Hole of Assists'" hair.
We all knew he was going to play an important part in the proceedings
today (N.B. this was put in to
prove you can't write the whole report before the match - Example 1).
In fact, the pitch reminded the writer of happier moments at Ochilview,
Stenhousemuir FC, once voted best playing surface in Scotland.
Memories of Dumbarton's Bog-end park flooded back and orgasmic moments of
ecstasy at Celtic Park shouting abuse at the "Bhoys / DFBs". Sorry for
the misprint, that was of course "orgasmic moments ON ecstasy".
For the record the pitch was wet and muddy. <Webmeister note: No
Gordy, from the record the pitch was actually "Loch Nessish".
I'd also note that at this point I just gave up correcting the author's grammar
and spelling - let posterity record the fact he's fucking illiterate>.
The
team began there pre-match warm up. Spratty was running up and down the sideline
and I was surprised to be told he wasn't even in the squad.
It all became clear when I realised he was in fact looking for the export
gold only to find cheap VB crap and Charlton Red stripe. It was Zil and that
tight wad with the team funds Grunter - these guys have a lot to answer for.
Dodger, ever the athlete, went through his warm up routine, that is he
had a hot pie and a cup of bovril. For
those interested Forfor, one of the few teams in the Scottish leagues that
Falkirk FC can actually beat, has the best pie and bridies in Scotland. In
Scotland a mutton pie is called a "Scottish pie" and certainly not a
"Scots" pie Don. In
recent days, the Ibrox "blue nose" pie has been growing in popularity.
It was on such thinks that Dodger contemplated hard as he munched away.
The
fans had been arriving in droves to watch the match including a couple of
Dodgers old girlfriends. They were sitting under their blankets in their
wheelchairs using there ear horns to amplify their abuse.
One was heard to shout "come here and take my kegs off and slip me
an inside pass"
The
opposition were running scared. They
had heard of all the former turtle Internationalists. There was Stu Robb he "bored" for NZ and CJ his
wife known locally as "the bike" due to cycling for NZ and finally
Dodger his whole family are internationalist - except him.
It
was a welcome relief to have Captain "Birds eye" Stevie and his fishy
fish fingers back. Don had to be
sacked for breaking the following cardinal rules 1) being too successful - very
unturtle like behaviour 2) winning every game - smug git
3) making sensible team selections like Si Garrett in midfield
4) not making Gordie do extra training (PS I have gone to far in this
report without being unoriginal and calling Gordie a greedy, fat, arrogant,
obnoxious, Scottish, goal scoring machine git. (PS this proves you can't write
the whole report before the match - example 2).
The
team talk was the usual CRAP, mumble mumble, lost last time, mumble mumble gives
us a breathing space, mumble mumble fishy fingers mumble mumble the plan is to
score more goals than them. With
these words the team wandered on to the battlefield like a group of Morris
Dancers (a male english cult that prance around like a bunch of girls - how
apt).
GT
and Si Garrett stood on standby for the first half. The Cambodians were a man short and rumour has it that GT was
approached to play for the oppos but was turned down for being too tall.
Spratty also tried to get a game but was turned down for being a little
obnoxious drunken asshole as well as being too tall (N.B. Spratty gets that one
for abusing me the whole game).
The
game began with Captain "fish finger" Stevie trying to kick for touch
and the turtles taking up their customary defensive mind set. The first attack
went to the Ankors with the opposition strike force having a laugh a Bobby's
expense shouting that they could run circles round him. After the first dwarf
like player passed out knackered after only making it half way round his stomach
it was a different story. Buoyed by
this cunning ploy the turtles held better shape with the midfield playing in
midfield for a change to confusion the opposition and over the remaining 90
minutes were always to be the dominant side.
In
the early parts of the first half a couple of chances went begging with a long
range effort from Gordie just over and from Stevie into the keepers arms.
It was beginning to get a bit frustrating until Wal decided to relax the
whole team by missing an open goal at the back post.
I can only remember slipping a bullet like pass to Wal for an almost
fresh air shot from Wal with the keeper to beat.
This was the turning point in the match.
The oppos were laughing so hard that they began to fall to bits and we
continued play good footie. It was
only a matter of minutes later when Tel won a ball clean at the back post with
their defense only able to head the ball straight to Don.
He rose in the air still chuckling about WAL and tucked it away with
consummate ease.
We
quickly went 2 then 3 up. First an
O.G,. a great cross by Nico brushed Gordie sweat on his forehead and was
deflected in a great assist for Gordie. (I
would prefer to be writing about a bullet header bursting the net but never
mind). The third came from a corner
won beautifully by fishfingers with his back to goal he headed the ball clean
into the near post top corner . Punching
the air, his first of the season, he trooped back to the half way line hoping
nobody would realise he had known nothing about it.
It was still a great goal, well done Stevie, the only goal the strikers
were going to score today!
The
turtles playing under the collective noun of a "tripe of lardies" were
now rock solid at the back. Nothing
could move Blobby, Si Law, Dodger and Tel being the same collective weight of a
Shona Gray - (N.B. that's Craigs wife). The
third goal quickly followed, Gordie skinned a small Cambodian (one of 9) to be
cruelly hacked down from the back. This
incident will only be remembered for two things: the blood curling cry Gordie
gave when pole axed (cheating Scottish git) and the majestic low powered strike
by the keeper Tony G to make it 4-0. Tony
almost smiled.
Half
time team talk and Stevie was mad, so mad he threatened to show everyone his
holiday snaps if they didn't pull their socks up and improve the goal difference
Si G immediately responded and pulled his up as he was, as always, very aware of
his appearance. In actual fact the team talk revolved around a very small loch
in the middle of the defensive "coo" field and a sighting of a large
Nessy deep in its mire.
Half
time came and went with one major difference, we were now playing in the
opposite direction and a few of the younger turtles were having difficulty
adjusting. GT and Si Garrett were
now on and a wave of confidence was flooding through the team with such an array
of goal scoring strikers. Gordie
still firing blanks, much like Nico the night before, was still keen to score so
he could celebrate with his customary drop of the trousers to release that Nessy
like tadger into the wild. Tony
G having seen the revealing of the tartan boxers in previous games had been
practiced flashing in public on a regular basis just in case.
This was to be his day.
Tony
G the "born again" striker was relieved from his goalkeeping duties
and pleased the thronging masses with a couple of great strikes.
His first was a back post lobb or that's what it looked like from my
stationary position and a rasping drive from a wide angle.
This second shot left the defense breathless or is that just because they
are a pile of unfit windbags. Tony
G was over whelmed by his hatrick and proceeded to break into a slight smile.
This was in sharp contrast to the delicate back post chip from Tel
followed by a first time running goal positively slammed into the net by Si Law.
The turtles score 8, the crowds were in buoyant mood when Blobby
performed a mud slide dive to celebrate Si's goal.
That had to be seen to be believed - so much mud and stomach.
My first Wellington earthquake - it was great.
There
was one error in defense as Tel Boy Hill struggled with the pace of the game.
His mind seemed to be elsewhere. Why had Rosie not come to watch?
Had Spratty really gone to England or Aussie? Why was Nico smiling? How
are my Scottish relations Ben Nevis and Ben Lomond?
The
report is incomplete without the mention of three misses by the strikers.
GT, the fooballing equivalent of the "dulux dog" crossed with a
shi-itsue, missed at the back. Gordies strike in the dying moment was simply
crap (and I saw it from close quarters). The
black hole of assists what can we say. Running
through on goal he stop's in mid flow to have a quick word from his sponsor -
"Visage Hair Products". If
you want to be a big girl's blouse like me but want to score off the field not
on then buy "Visage Hair Products" or else you'll go as bald as Tel.
Needless to say the chance went begging.
Which was the worst? It's a matter of opinion but we all know who got tit
of the day!
The
turtle were particularly buoyant after the win in stark contrast to when we
cuffed the Cops in a real game of footie. I
enjoyed some beef nachos;: so while I enjoyed eating mince the boys proceeded to
talk the usual mince. An anecdotal story about Nobby stiles will be added by Don
at this point. I think he's a English poof and you'll never hear a Scotsman
saying a nice thing about an English footie player unless he's played for
Rangers.
So ended a happy day at the office with the goal difference improved and the emergence of a new turtle hero -Tony G.