August
14th: Turtles 2 (0) - University 1 (1)
Bobby's Huge Arse Denies Entry!
 |
 |
| Gordy spoils a nice bit of Wellington scenery (what's with the limp-wrist?), and Bobby prepares for the 2nd half by downing a meat pie and a glass of Old Tawny. | |
A moment of madness late in the second half neatly summed up the first 82 minutes of this contest. From a corner, the ball bounced around the opposition box for a bit, then was pounced on by Gordie. After turning on a sporran, he lashed a shot goalwards. With the keeper and defenders beaten, there was only one thing that could have prevented that shot going in. No-one knows what Bobby was doing up there in the first place - some say that after a glass of port and a pie at half-time he had become disoriented, and thought he was still defending that end. But he was there and so was his enormous arse, and it is this that stopped Gordie's shot. The near record crowd (22, more than would attend most Scottish Cup games), enjoyed the moment immensely, but the laughter was tinged with anxiety, as yet another chance went begging.
We had been one-down since minute one. A totally relaxed Turtle team allowed the oppo to stroll through unchallenged. No-one was really to blame, except perhaps Gordie. And Brenda, his wife. They live in a house over-looking Kelburn Park, and, as it was to be Gordie's last game of a memorable season (he was voted player of the year and may well be the winner of the Golden Bootie as well), they marked the occasion by bringing down a bottle of port, some beers, and a magnificent spread of snacks and crackers. (Not to mention the chicken and pies Brenda brought down at half-time). Add to this the presence of the championship celebration champagne (courtesy of The Opera Bar, lovely ambience, cocktails a specialty), and the prematch atmosphere was rather jovial. Now don't misconstrue here - there was no drinking or eating done before the game. Management made sure that didn't happen, because they wanted to get stuck in as soon as the game started. But the lads weren't exactly switched on when the game started, and after that first goal it took at least another 10 minutes before we had any semblance of an attack.
The oppo had some good players, particularly a ringer from the previous match. He ran around quite ridiculously, and was punished with cramp about 20 minutes in. Silly boy. With him off, things evened up, and we managed to get forward a bit more. Gordie and Tony up front were a bit isolated, but created a few chances through their excellent control and ability to run at defenders. Control being the key word here. The pitch was extremely bobbly, having been a mud heap a few weeks back, and now hardened to a beach-like surface. It made passing tricky, and most shots were hazardous only to low flying aircraft. Our best early chance was created by a Cooky forward thrust. He put a ball ahead for Gordie, and continued into the box. Gordie went to the byline, and jagged back the perfect ball for Cooky, who was approaching at high speed. A little bobble, and from 4 yards Cooky's shot went off down the road.
After this our shots started to get closer, but after a few efforts on target it was realised that the oppo had a top-notch keeper, who wasn't likely to let in a soft one. Our defence was now solid. Tel won everything in the air, and Si L swept up any problems. Nobody was running at Bobby and Cooky, so they often had room to develop passing moves down the wings. Don and Nick in the middle were controlling the ball well, and tackled viciously when the need arose. Wal, fresh back from lunch with Bill Gates, was having a quite time on the right, perhaps feeling the effects of one too many caviar butties.
By half time we were still one down, so management took immediate action - a beer to follow up the port, and a nice pie. Si G went on for the increasingly domesticated Tony. The next 38 minutes were the same as the first half. We attacked regularly, but were denied by either a bobbling ball or the excellence of their keeper. Gordie had a one-on-one with said chap, and had this saved by a full-length reflex effort. Wal had two close chances, but from one couldn't keep a tricky high bounce down, and later couldn't quite get over a far post header. At the back, Snouter had little to do, but the defence was occasionally stretched when our attack broke down. GT and Si L made several last line tackles. After the "arse on the line" incident, Bobby stayed back, and made his crucial area impenetrable. As time ticked away, the massive crowd grew restless. Fights broke out over the last drops of port and accusations flew about who had eaten all the chicken. With eight minutes to go the oppo left-half decided to keep the crowd happy with a highly dangerous back pass. Si G swooped, and slotted it under the despairing keeper. Much relief, and by the way the oppo slumped you could see that a winner could come. A few minutes later Don had the ball in the middle and put it out to the right. Gordie, who minutes earlier had been limping pathetically, took off after it and got there before a defender. Nicko had also chased, and when he saw Gordie in control, continued to run inside. Gordie laid on into Nick's path, and he entered the box. A square ball was met by Si G, who finished clinically. The crowd went wild, and made a grab for the champagne.
After a few more anxious moments, when the oppo put two half-chances wide, Dodger, an ex-player, blew for full time. The oppo were justifiably gutted, but to have a win like that really proved that it was our season. As the sun set over the back of Gordie's house, the entire '99 squad, supported by an excellent turnout of wives, girlfriends and babies, raised their glasses to a vintage year.
Here's what some of the world's top managers have had to say this week about the FTFC winning Div 5 in '99 :
Alex Ferguson (Man Utd) - "I am surprised that a team of broken-down has-beens like that can be successful. But I'll certainly take note of their selection methods. Where are Gazza and Stuart Pearce these days ?".
Ken Dugdale (NZ) - "I always new the lad Wilkinson had it in him. I noticed his potential 17 years ago when he used to turn up to work hungover every day, then go and sleep in his car out the back of Seaview. Mind you, a policy of regularly head-butting referees would have made the season even better. Especially if it was that prat Kinsella".
Jimmy McMcMc (ex-Falkirk) - "These Turtles sound like a complete shower. What a soft bunch of shite. In my day, Falkirk would never resort to girly passing and the scoring of flashy goals. Any team I put on the park had instructions to kick seven types of shit out of the oppo, then spit on them. That wee lad Davidson sounds good though, I might offer him a contract when I take over at East Stirling next year".
Spaghetti Lumbago (Brazil) - "These New Zealanders are very good. I like the way they take their shirts off and do a song and dance number after each game. Too many fat players though - they should come and train on the topless beach in Rio".
Kevin Keegan (England) - "Smashing effort from the lads. I like the way they gave 140 % when it mattered, and came away with a result at the end of the day. That lad Davidson looks a bit tasty, just a pity he's not English. Wish my lads had that much commitment, but I'm afraid they're just crap. I'm just here for the money, then it's back to Newcastle".
Phoebe - easily the most photogenic baby the Turtles have of
oriental extraction