This mild mannered accountant began his third tour of duty with the Turts this season. In the early eighties he forged a reputation as an unreliable striker, prone to random acts of violence not quite in keeping with his public persona. A posting overseas allowed management to put someone decent in his position. But Cooky wasn’t finished. He returned to Wellington hell bent on starting a family and settling some old scores on the football field. He was shifted to midfield, and then right back in a desperate attempt to find a role that suited him (other than substitute). Then, another stroke of luck (we thought): a career ending knee injury. Unbelievably, he’s back for more. And he still hasn’t improved. He still plays right back, but was last seen playing that position on opening day. Please report any sightings of this man to the back three.

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This jovial giant was recently seen laughing all the way to the bank, where he happened to work. Grunter is the man behind Sweet Navel Orange’s absolute domination of all other half-time drinks over the course of Turtle history. What power this man wields! His responsiveness to injury on the field of play is nothing short of abysmal, however. The nadir came last season, when a mortician managed to beat The Boss on to the field of play and wheel off the rotting corpse before he could even reach for the bucket. Interests include chortling for no good reason.

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As second most capped player, Snout has oodles of experience to draw on, but rarely uses it. Made many disparaging comments on Turtles play over the years, which is a bit rich; we have to watch him keep goal. Older players distinctly remember him leaving his line for a back pass in 1985. Newer members have to wait for half-time. Likes to take our penalties, which creates problems. Not only does he usually miss, but someone has to feign injury to give him enough time to reach the penalty spot. Other interests: yoga, still life.

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(To be read in a Scottish accent). Monica Lewinsky once said sex can be one of two things: either it is a gourmet meal or it is fast food. Gordie in a footballing sense would be fast food. He is of course enthusiastic and totally devoted to the Turtles, as is his wife, who puts a ban on sex seven days before a game. Gordon keeps at his physical peak by living solely on Haggis and highland spring water imported from his native Scotland. He joined the Turtles hoping it was mandatory to wear shell suits.
Likes : Dancing like a madman to New Order, boring people to death, dressing in colours that don't match.
Dislikes : Passing to other players, buying anyone a drink, girls.

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Second generation Turtle, a new first for this most hallowed of clubs. Experienced members of the cricketing fraternity well remember a cute five-year-old clutching his mother’s skirt at Anderson Park (he still liked his parents then). Plays useful football when not smashed out of his fucking tree. Ex-student who unfortunately found studying somewhat distasteful. Still, six credits in four years can’t be sneezed at. Obsessions include Eva The Bulgarian and Anna Kournikova.

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Another new player in the Turtles fold, Tony G came recommended with impeccable credentials: he ran a bar. He flew through the team’s written and oral tests (most Aucklanders fall at this hurdle). He then went on to dazzle the team in the practical, an all night drinking session with Spratty. After graduating with honours, Tony quickly settled into his undefined role in the team. Final acceptance as a true Turtle was gained when he blew numerous scoring chances against Island Bay recently. Likes staying up late (every night is FA Cup night) and playing golf. Dislikes women who confiscate his golf clubs for being naughty.

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Webmeister and vice captain. Claims to work for Netlink, however most Turtles believe he is either a spy or a Mafia hitman. Circumstantial evidence certainly exists: he drives a convertible, exhibits latent violent tendencies, and is often referred to as ‘The Don’ in sleazy pool rooms. Spratty also claims he spotted the vice captain talking into his shoe, late one evening. In another telling blow to his credibility, a recent visit to his house revealed it was a Hollywood set. An anonymous letter was recently received at Turtle HQ which, once defused and decoded, refuted all claims of impropriety on behalf of Donaldo. It also went on to deny involvement in a number of killings due to occur the following month. Meanwhile, Grunt ‘The Boss’ advises your best chance of keeping tabs on this man is via the colour supplements on Monday morning.

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Our revered leader. Turtles follow him blindly into battle each week with nary a complaining word. No one would even dream our mentioning his lack of tactical ability. He is unquestionably the best Turtles captain since the last one. Stevie is an accountant for NZ Post, and was once overheard saying "Fixed Assets are my life". Beginning to develop ‘hairy mans disease’. Also likes gardening, which says it all, really. Unofficial advocate for Saturn. Plays best when the moon is full.

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Tel’s football skills continue to get better with age. Not bad considering he seems to suffer career ending injuries every week. A busy man around town, he usually divides his time between Diva, pining for his Australian girlfriend, and pissing off his neighbours. Sporting a new accessory this year: a nipple ring. A recently departed Turtle, on condition of anonymity, alleged Tel didn’t stop there. Upon parting the steam in the showers recently, he swears our swarthy centre back also sports a foreskin ring and ... a hairy ringpiece. Tel refused to answer questions at a recent press conference, but did point out there was now a five-ring-minimum at Diva.

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Still looking to forge a professional career in "Any Sport Will Do". Golf looks the most likely option, as soccer definitely isn’t. Recently shot an albatross at Shandon; he was promptly arrested and given a good kicking by the North Wellington cops. The Turtle Classic (the fifth major) continues to elude our golfing maestro and he makes no secret that his goal this year is to bribe his way to some Turtle hardware. A word of warning to the young pretender: Grunt ‘The Boss’ has another mouth to feed and is developing expensive tastes! Endorses Brut 33 splash on and likes finger painting.

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The man who has retired more times than Larry Holmes has unfortunately shown no such inclination to call it quits for the Fabulous Turtles. Pity. A talented sportsman, Dodger plays indoor cricket for NZ in the over 65 year old bastards category. Also excels in numerous other minority sports: he recently won the Winston Peters Shuffleboard Championships in Tauranga. Nationally ranked in ring toss. Only other interest is email abuse.

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Our international man of leisure continues to do the ‘cafe scene’ around town in search of a new career. Phildo’s last venture, acting, was canned when he was continually typecast as a Jewish Holocaust survivor. Claims to have beaten recent bout of bulimia, but others are not so sure. At the Pieman’s wedding, Spratty claimed he vaguely remembered someone vomiting while he was sprawled in the mens bathroom most of the evening. On first name basis with most doctors around town.

Proud member of the biggest back four in soccer history. Simon was once a valued member of the side, who shored up an ever-suspect defence. The rot began once he secured his first real job - working for a brewery. Now happily engaged to the daughter of a publican, the once-was-a-hardman has slipped into an alcohol induced abyss which claimed most of his motor skills. Enjoys non-contact sports.

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Most capped Turtle ever. Blobby is struggling to keep pace with the modern game - surfing the net no longer adequately conditions his streamlined body for Saturday football. Unsuccessfully lobbied the WSA to introduce timeouts and rolling substitutions. Rumours of retirement this season proved to be just wishful thinking on the part of his teammates. The Blob will have none of it, and he even plans to trial for Manchester City while holidaying there with family in December. Meanwhile, Mancunians eagerly await the arrival of their first tourists since 1932. Interested in politics; names Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan as his most admired leaders.

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This vertically challenged bank manager would give you the shirt off his own back - as long as he receives five shirts in return. Claims his company has the cheapest mortgage interest rates ... if you live in Latin America. Still, you have to fund extended overseas trips somehow, and the Turtles don’t really mind being fleeced, as long as he promises not to hurry back. To raise more cash, our favourite Naenae slumlord recently resorted to selling his barbeque shortly before hosting the Turtle AGM. He also makes dubious claims of large collects on the pool table in the wee small hours. Enjoy your trip, wanker.

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A good keen man, Glenn will do anything for the Turtles, which includes playing for us. Easily the best player we have of Oriental extraction. His favourite foods are fruit and vegetables. Proud father of Cashill and Cashewe.

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Our fleetfooted midfielder appears to be entering a mid life crisis. It started with the purchase of a convertible, which is a bit like buying a snowplough for the Sahara. Then he got bored with a house that had sweeping harbour views... so they moved. Then the job got him down, so he joined Microsoft. He obviously relishes the challenge of selling to a captive market. The Turtles suspect his next move may be trading in Cassie the Wonderdog for a younger model. In a rare interview, Wal denied plans to replace Cassie with a young pup. However, he did admit to restlessness of late. Management immediately prescribed a really good blowjob.

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Balding, injured... we could be talking about anyone. Zil ppears to be suffering the effects of old age and sleep deprivation brought about by the arrival of a new Weaslet. Claims not to slept through a sunrise in over two months from Ma and Pa Weasel's new colonial-style mansion in Churton Park. Has picked up some worrying american habits through over-exposure to USA "culture", like saying "you're welcome" a lot, maintaining a friendly and positive attitude at all times, and packing heat. Widely expected by the other Turtles to walk into work one morning with all guns blazing... which would be a concern except he works for Telecom Corporate Monopolist Bastards Ltd.

Hobbies include practicing Clint Eastwood lines with a southern drawl, cleaning guns, and cross-stitch.

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Team mascot in permanent team colours. Most skilful and obedient member of the team. Occasionally fills in on the right wing but unfortunately plays like a dog.

Send Cassie an e-mail (cos no-one knows you're a dog on the Internet)