April 25th: Turtles 11 (6) - Eastbourne 0 (0)
Don slots #1 of 11
The usual suspects line up for inspection
TURTLES THRILL LATTE SET
The Turtles took maximum points from Easter weekend with a savage 11-0 beating of Eastbourne on ANZAC Day. The weekend tally of twenty goals (a 9-2 victory over Tawa on Saturday) has not been seen since we pinged 25 past the hapless Working Men’s Club in 1986.
Bishop Park has always been a happy hunting ground for the Turts. It was the scene of a 16-1 thrashing in 1985, and an 8-3 win in 1987. That game was recalled by Spratty as he arrived at the ground. Incredibly, he recalled the exact score and the year. Subsequent checking proved he was indeed correct, indicating that either a) he learnt how to turn his PC on at work and visited the website, or b) he isn’t as old and senile as we first thought. I suspect the former.
The day was a shocker. A bitterly cold southerly swept along the ground, as it always seems to when we play here. The team congregated under a tree. Donaldo was back after a two game absence. He looked decidedly edgy from the layoff, and kicking the tree repeatedly was a dead give-away. Linda had been unable to find an outlet for those aggressive tendencies (she has a glass jaw). Tony G returned from wherever. Missing from Saturday’s game were Phildo (in Auckland), and Zil (dropped for no particular reason).
It was a fairly sorry bunch that congregated, really. GT looked downcast, fully aware that his reign as the Turtles’ best player of Asian extraction was well and truly over - in a big way. Rat II was sulking after the heavy fine imposed by the side for racial taunts – against his own teammate! Suggestions that Livingstone worked as a chef at a Chinese Takeaway may amuse some, but management took a rather dim view. To make matters worse, Rat II broke down in tears at the press conference, and then left his boots in the changing rooms. A sorry sight indeed – fatherhood has done nothing for him. Dodger was contemplating the start of a career as a statistician in indoor cricket. He licked his lips at the prospect.
Tel got the troops together in a huddle (a very tight huddle), and delivered a reasonably bland team talk, punctuated by the occasional nervous giggle from Donaldo. Big Si chipped in with his usual boring insight into how the oppo would play the game. Stanley Livingstone remained expressionless. Gordie said something, and everyone nodded, feigning comprehension.
The game commenced with the howling southerly at our backs. Eastbourne were trialling their controversial new 0-8-2 formation, but to no avail. The Turts went on attack early, and seemed to stay there for most of the half. Repeated chances were created and missed, but eventually the pressure told. Donaldo (after connecting with several legs) received a loose ball on the right and finished remarkably well past Johnny No Gloves. It was all on now. Stanley Livingstone scored next after a nice nod from Gordie. Another clinical finish. Then Gordie smashed in a left footer from wide on the left, taking two of the goalkeeper’s frozen fingers with it. Chances were created constantly now, unfortunately some of them were falling to the two Garretts. Simon (Black Hole of Assists) Garrett nodded over from a corner, and shortly after drilled one over the bar and into Seaview. Stanley nabbed his second, and the team’s fourth, with a terrific solo run and nice finish at the near post. GT (the ref) signalled the goal reluctantly, unwilling to cede further ground to his compatriot.
Gordie was then penalised for sitting on their centre back. He claimed innocence, screaming “I turned around and he was lying on his arse!” No reason to sit on him though, Gordie. Miraculously, their player survived, although the entrails protruding from his ears bore testament to how fat the Scotsman really is. The game resumed. Snouter got into the act, trying to dribble out of trouble and only succeeding in kicking it into their striker. It bounced harmlessly away. Further chances were squandered by almost everyone. Spratty drilled one into the side netting. The Scotsman missed a sitter after good work from Spratty, but eventually he made amends by receiving a throw-in from Tony G (the best part of his game today), turning, and blasting it past the goalie, who just managed to remove what was left of his hands in time. The ball hit the stanchion and bounced back to halfway for the kick-off. Spratty added the sixth before halftime with a nice run and finish.
Halftime came, and so did the rain. It was decidedly unpleasant out there now, so I nipped off to get some lattes from the local hardware shop (all shops in Eastbourne sell coffee). GT started the second half and immediately contributed an air ball, getting it out of the way early. Stanley nailed his hat trick shortly after with another solo goal. Tony G scored next, finishing well in front of goal after seven previous attempts. BHOA found time to hit another one over the crossbar.
About this time Nicko drove up, ostensibly to get a score report. He lives about a three iron from the ground, so we’re talking no major sacrifice here. The boys on the sideline suspected he was more interested in showing off the piece of totty in the front seat. After pretending to show interest in the score, Nicko drove off, first ensuring everyone got a good look at the eye candy on view. The Turts were not amused, voting him TIT of the day, beating out several other deserving candidates.
Rat II contributed an airball in front of his own goal shortly afterwards, rounding out a fairly miserable day for the club footer. Gordie scored the ninth (I remember little about it). Then the ref (Tel) spotted a handball in the box. It was clear-cut, but for some reason he changed his mind and awarded a drop ball instead of a penalty. Soft cock. Goals ten and eleven were scored by Stanley and Gordie, with each claiming an assist on the other’s goal. Boring.
Late in the game Tony G contested a cross and clashed heads with a defender. He went down. Some of the newer Turtles looked to the sideline, hoping Grunt ‘The Boss’ would spring into action. The older, wiser Turtles did not look. They knew instinctively that Grunt had no hope of covering the twenty metres or so before Tony made a full recovery (with both chipped teeth growing back). Grunter wasn’t there anyway (apparently). Tel then discovered a loophole in the rules while Tony was injured, and invoked the mercy rule. The game ended early.
Overall, it was a solid performance by the side. The quality of some of the finishing tended to overshadow much of the other general play, so apologies to those who made a nice tackle and received no recognition for it. I spoke to the reporter from the Eastbourne Marxist after the match. She assured me the side we played was severely under strength, with injuries robbing the side of four of their best players. She promised a more competitive side for the re-match.
So there you have it. Goals galore for the fabulous Turts. The last word today comes from the intrepid supporters, who braved horrendous conditions to the watch the team play. I asked them why they came. The responses:
Wal - "It gets me out if the house"
Louisa Spratt – "Daddy made me come"
Oliver (Spratt) – "Louisa made me come"
Nicko – "I came all weekend!"