May 6th: Turtles 6 (3) - Petone MTS 1 (0)
Fines-master Zil holds court in the Non-Virtual Turtle Lounge
For a top of the table clash it was a bit of a no contest, as although MTS were very tough and competitive, they lacked two vital ingredients for good footy: goal-scoring ability and a brain. Electing to play against the wind first up (doh!), MTS rushed around impressively, but mostly shot from far out. As with last week, the Turts were slow to get into it, but that's understandable given that seven of the starting line now qualify for Masters. The inevitable Rat II airball in a dangerous area did create the first real opening, but the oppo forward wasted his right foot shot well wide. There were to be two more such misses by the same guy in the second half - perhaps he was left footed. Or perhaps he was just crap.
Once their initial blast was over, Tel started to assert himself and become the dominant player in the game, we got back down the other end a bit more, and got our first after about twenty. Zil put in a cross from the left, and it went over the back for Spratty. Showing ludicrous dexterity for a sick old man in his mid-forties, Spratty hooked a shot back across goal that was only parried by the keeper, in to the path of Gordie who slipped it in. The next twenty was a tight battle, with both defences soaking up a lot of pressure, but few clear chances were created. The highlight of this period was probably Tony outpacing a defender down the right wing, an event that completely delighted the former goalkeeping star who recently purchased a block of toilets. We were starting to worry that one goal would not be enough turning around into the wind, but there was no need. Don hoofed up a hopeful ball into the box, and the oppo keeper loudly declared that it was his. Gordie got to it first.
Oppo keeper : "Keeper, keeper, keeper".
Gordie : "Wrong. Gordies. Goal. Teeheehee".
Shortly after this another hopeful ball into the box was latched onto by Livi. He controlled it, darted forward to make space, and then whipped a shot across goal into the far bottom corner, a finish that had Spratty salivating. There is no truth in the rumour that Spratty finds Livi irresistibly cute, and wants to adopt him.
A three goal lead at half-time felt better, but still not comfortable. Spratty went off to lie down, to be replaced by hungover but energetic Si G. Within two minutes the oppo tactics with the wind became clear, and there were two long shots in quick succession that sailed high and wide. After the third of these, Dodger couldn't resist a bit of a comment, and the verbals built up as the half wore on. Dodge was in fine form, and when on the winning side is Wellington's finest exponent of the snide remark.
Our fourth goal was probably the clincher, and really got to some of the oppo, as they realised they were going to lose and didn't like it. It was at about 10 minutes into the second half, when Gordie, Si G and Livi created an electric break from well inside our own half. Whilst Livi took the ball towards the edge of the area, Weasel was nearing the completion of a run that had started on the edge of his own box. He had left his dork of a marker far behind, but you just have to question the wisdom of such a run from a 35 year old with a history of hernias. Anyway, Livi laid the ball exquisitely into Weasel's path, and it was finished with a gentle chip over the despairing keeper.
Soon after this Weasels marker started having a go. The gist of his argument was that we had a nerve being in this grade at all, having won it last year, and that we were just a bunch of cowards for not playing in a higher grade. Weas attempted an explanation of the situation, but it was hopeless. This fine specimen was engaging in a battle of wits unarmed, and lost badly to the Churton Park accountant. He also commented later that he would love to see us lose - we have sent him a full video of our losses to the Cops and Ankors last year, and sincerely hope that he enjoys them. He tried some physical thuggery, but wasn't equipped to do that very well either. The rest of the oppo midfield also started to get stuck in, a situation which Don enjoyed immensely. Livi is also not averse to a bit of stuff, and deals with potentially nasty tackles by getting his retaliation in first. We eagerly await the first opponent this year who has a swing at him, because we hear he is a kick-boxer.
Tony was the only casualty of the flying boots, when he went to clear a ball from a corner. As he waited for it to come down for the clearance, the rest of us saw the injury coming a mile off. One of the oppo had set off towards him, with clearly evil intent, and was always going to collect Tony's foot regardless of the presence of the ball. This brought GT into the fray, a shame really, because GT is such a placid, happy chap that he added nothing to the nasty side of the game.
A deliberate hand-ball by Rat II down the left touchline further inflamed the oppo, and it became clear that none of them were actually out playing footy on a Saturday to enjoy themselves, but regarded it all as deadly serious.
Goal number five came after one of Si Law's chest-thrusting surges up the right. Some interplay with the other Simon created the space for a cross into the box that Gordie smashed in off the half-volley in disdainful manner. The oppo got a consolation around this time, when a shot across the box was half-saved by Snouter, and bundled in at the far post, but who really cares.
Our final goal came when Si G collected the ball after a corner had been cleared, and looked up to see Gordie on his own on half way. Si's ball was perfect, allowing the Tartan Tadger to gallop away on goal, showing the oppo's chubby sweeper a clean pair of heels, not to mention a solidly proportioned arse, and a glimpse of tartan boxer over his shorts. A one-on-one on the keeper was never going to be a contest.
The bickering escalated as the final whistle approached, and some of the oppo were so put out that they did not shake hands at the end. Lovely lads, and we look forward to the return match at their place.