May 20th: Turtles 2 (0) - Island Bay 4 (1)
Don sharpens his sprigs before the game...
... and what fine specimens of humanity the oppo supporters were!
The match played before FA Cup night has always been held a special place in Turtle folklore. Over the previous 20 years the Turts have only lost once on the eve of this celebration of the mediocrity of English football. With this weight of history in mind the team gathered with what we hoped was a strong resolve to deal to an Island Bay team which, by late in the first round, had worked their way up the league table. After two early losses, including a 7 – 0 arse kicking by Lower Hutt, Island Bay had strung together a series of good results. The previous week they had beaten the much fancied (by themselves at least) Petone MotherTruckers 1 zip.
Donaldo, team webmeister and perpetual prophet of doom, had circulated extracts from the Petone match report earlier in the week which indicated that the boys would need to make sure that their accident insurance premiums were up to date prior to the match. The indications were that this applied both to the on the field activities as well as any excursions close to the sidelines where the oppo supporters had also congregated in attacking formation. Those Turts who look to Donaldo as a source of useful analysis in the mistaken belief that because he works with computers he knows what he’s doing, were relieved to see that we had an official ref allocated to the match.
Against this background the team gathered at Wakefield Park for the 2:30 pm kick-off. Well, nearly everyone was there. The notable exceptions were the ref who, as far as we know, still hasn’t shown up, and ace striker Gordie. The Falkirkian Ferret turned up just after 2:30 while we were all standing around waiting for the non-existent ref. Pre match nerves weren’t helped by his decision to get changed on the sidelines, a move which scattered the growing number of spectators as well as increasing the level of player nausea. He then proceeded to play in the basketball shorts he turned up in.
Play got underway about 15 minutes late with one of the oppo reffing. While his play in the second half showed that he was a useful player – he was well short of any clues when it came to blowing the whistle. It wasn’t that he was biased – it was just that he didn’t seem to know what he was doing (much like the Turtles defence for much of the afternoon).
Now to the match itself.
After a particularly uninspiring team talk, Tel got things off to a good start by losing the toss. Island Bay gave away the wind in the first half, probably to avoid having to change around while they recovered from their pre match cigarettes (my faith in the future of Philip Morris as an investment has been restored). Things started off pretty well with the Turts sweeping onto attack. After a couple of minutes Livingston let fly with a well timed shot from about 20 metres. Their keeper emerged from a cloud of smoke to dive full length and low to his left to deflect the ball onto the post and back into play from where it was hacked away. The next 20 minutes were evenly contested with both sides having periods on attack but no clear chances. The tackling was robust without being dirty. Although we were competing, the Turts performance was well below par. We were losing most of the 50:50 balls and weren’t able to get good service to Gordie and Spratty up front. Donaldo was having a shocker – post match stats showed if he had been on the Island Bay team he would have had the highest pass completion rate of anyone on the park.
The first defensive cock up came after about 25 minutes when numerous chances to clear the ball on the edge of our penalty area were squandered. The ball fell at the feet of one of their strikers who from 10 metres out and with plenty of time slotted the ball in the corner of the net. Much abuse followed as the ball was relayed back to half way.
The remainder of the half was again evenly contested but still the Turts couldn’t settle into any sort of game pattern. Opportunities on both sides were limited to a few long range shots but nothing was on target. Half time and the Turts were 1 nil down. The wind was picking up and we had to play into it in the second half.
Grunter had decided to experiment with the half time juice and produced lemonade to quench our thirst. Back to the drawing board Boss.
Our esteemed leader could see the writing on the wall and, rather than be involved in any more defensive blunders, decided to have a half game. He was replaced by the diminutive postal worker PK who moved into right back. Simon Law moved from his fish out of water position at right back into the central defence. If nothing else we now had girth on our side. The other change was Nicko into the midfield to replace the tiring Wal who had returned from 7 weeks out with shaggers back. GT took over as ref and, much to everyone’s surprise, turned in a solid performance in the second half.
The half time discussion centred around stamping our authority on the game etc, etc. Once back on the park we immediately reverted to type and continued our aimless play. After about 10 minutes Si Law had had enough and limped off clutching his thigh. Si Garrett came on at left midfield and Tony Garrett moved into centre back.
Island Bay’s second goal came after about 25 minutes from a fairly standard set of defensive blunders. In fact the number of goals given away in this manner so far this season means that I can’t really recall the details – they all seem the same. It’s probably safe to say that there were a series of missed opportunities to clear the ball which fell to the same striker’s feet in space about 10 metres out who slotted the goal. More abuse follows etc, etc ….
Turtle heads were drooping at this stage (and so was our morale) although there were repeated calls from our fat slow pom, back after a week’s lay off, to the effect “Come on luds, it’s not over yet”. We could hear this from the goalmouth which explains why Gordie was seen trying out earplugs during the week. Either Spratty’s calls for action were heeded or the oppo eased off a bit because we started to get back into the game after this and actually strung a few passes together.
Our first goal came from a Gordie run in from the right. He easily beat a few defenders along the byline and much to the astonishment of those around him looked up to lay off the ball. Much to his disappointment his closest team mate was Stevie H who had abandoned his position at left back to set up camp in the six yard box. Gordie summed up his limited options and fired on a low hard cross. Spectator views on what happened next were varied but the most popular version was that for the next few seconds Stevie’s husky frame (in the sense of fur coverage) was taken over by the spirit of Giggs. His right foot, or more correctly his right ankle, made superb contact with the ball and the rocket shot deflected off the keeper onto the crossbar back down onto the keeper, who was prone in the dirt looking for his cigarette butt, and into the goal. Despite the technicalities which argued strongly in favour of an own goal, Stevie took the goal. 2 – 1 and we were, indeed, back in the game.
Spratty’s raucous calls were becoming more frequent and the intensity of our attacks were a little more up to scratch. The equaliser came with about 10 minutes to go. Gordie again broke through and, encouraged by the results of his previous pass, crossed the ball to Spratty. For once Spratty’s vision of his youth was followed through – he controlled the ball with one touch and buried the ball into the back of the net with his second. 2 – 2 and, indeed, it wasn’t over yet.
The Turts mounted a series of attacks over the next 5 minutes from which we were unlucky not to score. Our lack of composure on the ball was also a factor. One shot was well saved by their keeper and another near post opportunity squandered by Donaldo. Our improved play was, as they say, too good to last. Island Bay mounted an attack down the right and sent in a hard waist high cross cum shot. Stevie H, who had managed to struggle back into defence by time, got his small furry butt in the way and deflected the ball onto the outside of the post and away for a corner. (This would have been a good time for GT to blow for full time but he made the mistake of blurting out that there were 4 minutes left). Our respite was short lived however as the resulting corner was well taken by an Island Bay played who picked out one of four completely unmarked players about 12 metres out. A combination of a ball gently curling towards him and what X rays later showed to be the unusually thick skull of the selected player resulted in a header of extreme velocity into the top left hand corner of the net. There was predictable celebration by the oppo matched by general cursing on the part of the Turts.
Amongst all this someone said “It’s not over yet”. From the kick off the Turts (all 10 except poor Snouter in goal) swept back onto attack. Could we yet salvage a hard fought draw ?? Spratty get the ball on the right of the area and jinked (ambled) towards the by line. Rather than risk a pass he unleashed a bullet shot which beat everyone except the near post. The ball rebounded into play and was cleared to the oppo strikers who were waiting on half way without a Turtle defender within 20 metres. The result was inevitable and, after a bit of toying with Snouter, a square ball set up a hat trick for their striker. We could have appealed for offside from the final pass but there didn’t seem to be much point.
A few minutes later full time and our first loss of the season, as well as Gordie and Livingston’s first ever loss in Turtles colours. The game was as disappointing as the Cup final played later that evening. Some serious work is required to get our season back on track.