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July 8th: Turtles 0 (0) - Petone MTs 3 (1)You
could see from the starting lineup that the Turts would struggle to score goals
in this game. Missing were Gordie and Spratty, our two top goal-scorers for the
season, and their reasons for missing this game bore remarkable comparison to
two of the news headlines of the day: "Top
athlete mauled by bear". "Senile
Scotsman goes AWOL". Apparently,
Spratty had during the week been out looking for new business. This for him
means targeting impressionable young couples and signing them up with airtight
mortgage contracts. On Thursday he was in Quebec Street in Upper Hutt, and after
clinching a signature decided to go for a run in the hills. After about 20
minutes he was well clear of civilisation and the track was getting rougher. He
was just about to turn back when a brown bear jumped out from behind a
rhododendron bush and mauled him. Tough luck considering it was a Canadian brown
bear that had just escaped from a circus. Spratty survived, is on life support,
but should be ok to play next week. Gordie's
story is much more far fetched. It appears that his employer, the National Wank,
has been preparing for some time for a decision that would have world-wide
implications - would they use black or blue pens in their branches. Highly paid
consultants had been involved, and a very senior PWC partner had been seen
around the office wearing a dark suit (size XXL). The decision was to come down
to a meeting of 20 of the most senior managers, and the pressure was immense.
Prior to the meeting there was rumours of bribery from the leading biro
manufacturers, and it was alleged that Claudia Schiffer was seen leaving the
hotel room of one manager the night before the vote. On Friday morning the
managers convened, and as they took their seats in the boardroom, Gordie's
absence was realised. Hasty phone calls failed to locate him, and an APB was put
out to all of the bank's branches around the country. As the deadline for the
decision approached, there was still no sign of the kilted one, so the vote had
to go ahead without him. In a split decision, blue pens won, and there was much
rejoicing in the Newtown office of Bic Blu Inc. Meanwhile,
in the sleepy town of Turangi, Sharlene, a trainee teller, was trying to decide
if the photo that had been faxed in early really was the smelly, stubbly,
incoherent figure standing in front of her window demanding cash. She asked him
to wait, and waved over to Marlene, her bestest friend since kindy. Marlene
looked at both the fax and the strange man, and shook her head. How could this
guy be such a senior manager in Wellington, when he was up in Turangi on a
Friday smelling of fish. Sharlene
said to the man "I'm sorry sir, but without ID I can't give you any
money." "Doonyuneenoohuarm",
the man said. "Call
security", said Marlene. So
Gordie was dragged off to be beaten up in police custody, and the Turtles had to
look elsewhere for goals. Not only goals, but with Livi and Wal missing as well,
there was a distinct lack of people who could control and direct play. Cue
Terry's latest recruit, Arvi. Now normally if you get a twenty year old Spaniard
into your starting lineup you would be pretty pleased, but it didn't sound too
good when his first few words included "I am not really used to playing on
grass". Within five minutes we also found out that he wasn't very fit,
couldn't tackle, and called for the ball by whistling. So there were big holes
all over place, although for a start this didn't seem too much of a problem, as
Weasel and Don did a lot of good clean up work in the middle, and Tony and Nicko
had a bit of ball to work with up front. There was actually a period of about
ten minutes when we had the better of the play, and did a lot of nice passing.
Tony was given an early chance by Nicko, but waited too long for his shot and
allowed a defender time to get in the way. With nobody really able to hold onto
the ball for long, we handed over possession too quickly, and began to spend a
lot of time chasing it. Terry was doing a bit of work up the middle, and Si Law
too made a couple of interesting runs towards the oppo box, but when those two
headed upfield together, we conceded the first goal. With us thin at the back,
the oppo forwards made the most of it, but the final ball seemed within
Snouter's range. Perhaps he'd had one of those big lunches, because he was
dreadfully slow off his line, and turned an 80-20 into a 40-60. He did save
initially, but the rebound was netted. This didn't seem a total disaster at the
time, but as the half wore on it became clear that our energy levels were
flagging, and our attacks were all rather flaccid. A number of corners at either
end were cleared without too much drama, Terry doing most of our aerial work in
defence. At
half-time the lads were a bit somber, perhaps seeing the way it was going and
not feeling much could be done to turn the tide. In fact, we were very nearly
drowned in the first ten of the second half. Against a slight breeze, we had
trouble getting out of our own half, a situation not helped by some appalling
goal-kicks. Phildo was our best link to the front line, and he gave Tony a nice
ball down the left. The Slider, as he is mysteriously known around the criminal
underworld, beat two to get in an excellent cross, but it was just out of reach
of Nicko on the near post, and whereas normally Gordie would have been in the
middle to convert it, he was, allegedly, fishing. Back down the other end, an
oppo midfielder who had been putting it about a bit was dealt to by GT. An
apparently innocent collision saw the guy helped off with a bad knee injury, and
as GT walked away he muttered some Catonese that was later translated as
"man who kicks Turtle will soon see physiotherapist". With
Don and Weas attempting to get forward to help our attacks, the middle was often
wide open, and the oppo strolled through it. One of their midfielders had a load
of space 25 yards out, and put in a strong shot. Luckily it was straight at
Snout, if a little high. Unluckily, Snout's attempted save lobbed up off his
gloves and behind him into the corner of the net. Soon after this Snouts goal
was breached again, but from behind. Ex-Turtle Millsy was playing the 17th at
Shandon, and one of his group, Trotty, sliced his tee shot through the fence,
our net and into the field of play. Terry then put his knee out taking a goal
kick (?!), and on came Davey J, our only sub and a sure sign that the bottom of
the barrel had well and truly been reached. (To be honest though Davey is still,
er, adequate). The game was now pretty dead, and Stevie and Si made some forward
runs just for the hell of it. This left the oppo forwards with acres of space,
and finally a third came. An attack broke down, and the ball was coming towards
Snouter out near the left of the box, when Tony decided to clear it himself. His
miskick went straight to an oppo forward, and as Snout trotted back toward his
goal the ball went past him and in. All rather pathetic.
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