August 12th: Turtles 12 (7) - Upper Hutt 0 (0)
CHAMPIONS!!!
The Fabulous Turtles FC retained the Division 5 crown in emphatic fashion, mauling a disappointing Upper Hutt side with twelve of the best on Saturday. To our legions of fans both at home and abroad – we did it for you (not really). The Turts stash more silverware in the already bulging trophy cabinet, and look to make it a threepeat in 2001.
The day was set up perfectly for us. We were first equal with Petone MTS and Lower Hutt. Unfortunately for them, they played each other. Fortunately for us, we played the bottom team. To be in this position we also had to rely on results going our way in the penultimate round, which they did. Lower Hutt lost to Tawa, while we had the benefit of a default against (surprise, surprise) the Scarfies.
To the game. This season the Turts have been ravaged by injury and unavailability like no other. Today was to be no exception. Missing was Wal (golfing at Wairakei), Spratty (getting hammered in Hamilton), GT (smashed in Sydney), Nicko (chasing Texan totty in Dallas). Rat II arrived late, making a mercy dash back from Turangi, only to find he was the thirteenth man. His services were not required (they very rarely are). Dodger was back from a lengthy absence, taking over from Spratty as the team foghorn. Livi also returned, enjoying his first break from the sweatshop in eight weeks. It was good to have Gordie and Livi back in the same side (Gordie has some problems in this area). My last match report was a 11-0 victory over Eastbourne, with those two providing the bulk of the scoring in that one. In fact, my record for the last three match reports is 28 goals for, zero against. I’m on a roll! Today I played for a change, which makes the memory of goals a little more difficult than standing on the sideline taking notes.
Davey J (the ref) signalled game on, and Gordie and Livi began causing problems for the opposition almost immediately. The rest of us took some time to settle down. Donaldo shanked a few passes early, with PK and Zil evoking titters from the small crowd for some very average play. Phildo took a while to settle, while Dodger banged the ball into touch at every opportunity. Then the Tartan Tadger put Tony G. away on the left amid cries for offside. The move broke down and ended up safely in the keeper’s hands. The keeper must have thought the attack deserved better though, so he kindly offered the ball in outstretched palms to Gordie. The ball was duly stripped and tapped in for the first goal. This renewed the cries for offside, but Davey J. wouldn’t have a bar of it. The goals came at regular intervals after that, with Gordie and Livi sharing the spoils. Both players scored in one on ones with the goalie, who apparently was having one of his better games in Upper Hutt colours.
Gordie,
obviously enjoying himself in perhaps his last game in Turtle colours, scored
again before halftime with a lovely turn and first-time shot. Snouter decided to get into the game by deliberately
dropkicking the ball into Big Si’s back and trying to anticipate the rebound.
They didn’t score, but a short time later he denied their best player
with an excellent save. At the other end, Donaldo blasted high and wide from the edge
of the box, copping a stray boot in the process.
He wasn’t overly impressed with the player involved, but managed to
restrain himself and deliver a (mostly) legal challenge in return when the
opportunity arose.
At halftime it was seven-zip. Tel took pity on Rat II and brought him on at left back. The opposition employed Plan B, and swapped forwards and backs. Livi and Gordie (for readers unfamiliar with the Turtles, he’s the big fat one at the back in the victory photo) kept scoring. Finally someone else got on the scoresheet, with Donaldo finishing nicely after good work down the right. Then came a period of total ineptitude in front of goal, with Phildo, Zil, Rat II and Donaldo making complete pratts of themselves. Zil wrapped up a deserved TIT after kicking another one into the playground. Tony G. deserved better from a couple of cracking shots that stretched the goalie – perhaps he should attempt the odd shot inside the penalty box next time. Tel then finished well in a rare foray up front. Upper Hutt did manage to threaten at times, but the last pass was usually wanting. One such raid into our territory produced the longest assist of the season. Snouter banged the ball downfield. It bounced twice before Gordie latched on to it and slipped it past the keeper.
The last fifteen minutes saw Snouter and Dodger move up front. For their part, Upper Hutt never gave up trying to score. For our corners they pushed five players up to halfway. If this made our two defenders nervous, they didn’t show it. Gordie never gave up trying to score either. He managed to pry the ball loose from the goalie’s hands (by kicking him in the elbow – a trick learned playing for the Falkirk Under-7s) and tapping in. Davey J disallowed that one.
Dodger finally got his opportunity in the last minute. He lined it up perfectly and struck it firmly. The touch judges nodded to each other and raised their flags. Yet another three pointer to finish the game. Keep your knee over the ball, Dodge (by the way, he’s the silly looking twat at the bottom left of the victory photo).
Winning the grade is always satisfying, particularly so when we had so many players missing for long periods, the second half of the season especially so. Wal, Dodger, Simon G., Zil, Livi, Spratty, Nicko… Tel was struggling at times to put 11 on the park. Promotion beckons, I guess. Personally, I think Div. 5 is our spiritual ‘home’ (we did play this grade a numbers of years without winning it). Soccer Wellington are due to conduct their annual restructure soon, so its anyone’s guess where we will end up. Probably Division 9. As long as Stokes Valley aren’t there. Or Olympic.
Finally,
a little self-indulgence. Player
ratings (out of ten):
Snout (8) – which
closely resembles his body shape. Solid
season, shocker against MTS.
PK (6) – rating suffered after remark about my age.
Big Si (5) – badly distracted by his favourite piece of
totty.
Rat II (5) – freedom from burden of captaincy made no
difference.
Tel (8) – rating helped by high quality of parties.
Dodger (7) – new personality would help.
Nicko (6) – shoulder replacement surgery will assist with
throw-ins.
Simon G. (6) – made first tackle this season.
Livi (9) – superb season marred by employment difficulties
(loved the cheap boots though).
Spratty (8) – brilliant at times, and doesn’t he know it
(refer Dodger comment).
Donaldo (7) – more dangerous without the ball than with it.
Wal (7) – injured his back executing difficult KISS
manoeuvre. Season went downhill
from there.
Phildo (6) – passed over as a potential cloning candidate.
Zil (6) – averaging a game a season.
GT (6) – the second best player of Asian extraction in the
side. You can’t give higher
praise than that.
Tony G. (7) – jack of all trades. Master of none.
Gordie (8) – more bellies than goals.
Brockie (7) – look forward to another fleeting glimpse of
this player next season.
Grunt ‘The Boss’ (5) – coached son’s team to bottom
place. Contract under review.