April 7th:
Turtles 2 (0) - Miramar A 1 (0)
by Stevie "Wolfman"
Hambleton
In
welcoming Turtle fans to a new season, they may be shocked to know that an
off-season of political turmoil nearly saw the end of the Turtle dynasty. Having won Div 5 two years in a row, pressure was on
for us to go up. Had the team remained the same this would have been OK, but
Turts 2001 would differ in several crucial ways from Turts 2000. Firstly, the
old players are now getting really old, and the oldest of them all, Spratt, was
unlikely to get on the field at all due to "beer-on-the-knee". Then
Donaldo, the only Turtle to make a tackle since 1996, announced plans for an OE
half way through the season. Lastly, and least, we had lost the fat Scotsman
(who had gone off in search of a team that would not insult him all the time.
Best of luck there). Compounding these losses was the apparent failure of our
summer recruiting campaign. This comprised current players asking anyone
youthful looking in any pub what they were doing this winter. Lack of results
there may have been because some of the older, and therefore sleazy Turts (no
names here), took this to mean scantily clad girls half their age.
So it came to
the AGM, and a decision had to be made. Do the Turts give it a go in Div 4, or
point their zimmer frames in the direction of Masters. Votes were cast, but
subsequent days dragged on and still no result was announced. CJ demanded
confirmation of the result from Terry, but he was in the gym. Wal stepped up,
and announced that the validity of some votes was in question, and that Grunter
would be investigating. Weeks went by. Tel was still in the gym, with his phone
switched off. Grunter finally came forward and made a brief statement to the
press: "After reviewing the process involved here, I have decided that the
Turtles will play in Div 4 this year. This result has nothing to do with the
votes cast, but my Dad is a former President of the Brooklyn Bowling Club, so
I'll do what I want".
So that was that. Surely a season without the
pathetic human dross that made up some of those Div 5 teams (eg. Petone MTS,
Snakes Gully) couldn't be all that bad, and we would be renewing rivalry with
some old foes (eg. Miramar, the Nth Wgtn ladies eleven). And our recruitment
worries were eased in the last few weeks by four new signings. Murray, another
off the NZ Post Turtle assembly line, had debuted late last year, and was so
impressed that he had signed up for a full year. Wal introduced Ross, a man of
mature years but fine fitness. And Livi and Si brought along Apale and Matt
respectively. These last two would form our new, young strikeforce in this first
game. How would they go replacing Gordie and Spratty? Could they possibly have
comparable success to those two greats? Were they to be complete arseholes on
the field as well? Read on.
It was a return to Ben Burn for the first game, and
just a warning note here for players and supporters approaching this park from
the city side. The correct turning is a left into Campbell Street. Lack of
attention may lead to a driver turning too early, and this could have tragic
consequences. The Huntleigh Retirement Home has an "Alcatraz-like"
reputation. Anyone of an appropriate vintage entering their driveway is seized
upon by a gang of kindly nurses and rushed inside, never to be seen again. This
fate befell poor Wayne Cook in 1999, and there are rumours that Spratty was on
his way to watch this game when he made that crucial navigational mistake, and
is now in Room 314 watching infomercials with custard dribbling down his chin.
On arriving at the ground, this reporter spotted Livi and
Apale relaxing in a
car that would struggle to get a warrant. Sitting between them was a cooked
breakfast on a plastic plate. Older Turtles may recall former player Glen Pacey
sitting in his car beside Ben Burn knocking back a can of lager as his preferred
pre-match prep. He claimed that it calmed him down after a hard week on the
trading floor, but more likely added to his already nasty aggressive style. Does
sausage and egg have the same effect on Asians? Read on.
The oppo were Miramar,
and we were delighted to see that they had aged worse than we had. The combined
age of our front three barely comprised some of theirs individually. However,
they had always been good players, and the game started off in worrying fashion
as they stroked it around. The surface was like Wal's No.1 cut, and encouraged a
quick passing game. The gusty wind at our backs made some control tricky though,
and neither team created many early chances. With the wind advantage we got
numerous corners, and all of these were curled in dangerously by Livi and
Weasel. Mat and Simon went close to converting with headers, and from another
corner the ball rebounded out to the edge of the box for Steve to hit just wide.
Shortly after that Apale received a kick to the nose in the box, and Don targeted
the culprit with a shoulder, prompting some gentle shoving. The ref, a former
player of violent tendencies, wimped out by calling a foul on their keeper.
At
the other end Dodge and Si were staunch in the face of some slick passing
outside the box, and on the two occasions that there was danger closer in,
Snouter efficiently smothered square balls. Wal, Weasel and Don snuffed out any
threats from their midfield, and as the half wore on the pace of Livi and Apale,
and the strength of Mat started to open up their tiring defense. But still the
goal wouldn't come. The last action of the half saw Livi win the ball way down
in the left corner, and somehow put in a cross whilst completely off balance.
Mat was unmarked in front of goal, but the cross was two centimetres too high and
he put it over. Livi was then justifiably berated for his lack of precision.
Half-time was a bit of a worry, as the wind was now a major factor. But in our
favour was a tiring oppo, and fresh legs in the form of Phildo, Ross and Murray
gave us a bit of an edge. Our defense now stepped up, and handled the barrage of
attacks superbly. Si led the tackling, and the oppo were denied any decent ball
close to goal. Up front, Livi, Apale and Mat threatened every time we got over
halfway. After about 15 minutes, these three attacked down the right, and a Livi
short ball gave Mat a shooting chance about 25 yards out. Ping - top far corner.
We'd heard he was ex-first team, and now believed it.
The oppo heads dropped,
and we were definitely on top now. Murray was doing some sterling work in the
middle, and started to organise people around him, in complete contrast to his
quiet demeanour off the field. Despite the constant wind, Snouter had little to
worry him, as most of their efforts were hurried and well off target.
Occasionally there was trouble for Dodge though, and after being beaten at one
stage he made a wonderfully cynical foul. He claimed it was just bad timing
caused by obesity. The resulting free kick was well out, but when it was curled
towards the far post it was too much for Snouter's lateral movement, and it
snuck into the side netting. So it was all on again. Bugger.
People were now
struggling all over the park. None more so than Weasel, who played over half the
game with one contact lens, and for some reason this made his achilles' play up.
Murray gave him a ball up the line to run on to. Not a problem 10 years ago, but
on this day even his mother and sister had to laugh as the poor Weas looked like
he was running up a sand dune. Luckily for us the youngest players on the park
were our front men, and they looked the most likely. Finally we got into the
box, and Apale got a chance on the left. The crowd went quiet - they could all
see that a curler into the top far corner was on, but could the young lad
deliver. The pressure was immense, as the ghosts of Gordie and Spratty hung
nearby saying "fuck off, he's just a kid. Give it to me". Seconds
later the old onion bag rippled sensuously.
The sideline crowd discussed at
length the correct word to describe the last ten minutes, and "tense"
was agreed on. Several oppo shots went just over the top, and then one long
range effort swirled towards goal, straight at Snouter but at a difficult
height. The portly custodian fumbled slightly but held on. The final whistle was
welcome relief, not least because it was getting cold. Div 4? Schmiv 4.
|