April
14th: Turtles 6 (4) - BNU 2 (0)
by Topper Hambleton
Who put the "Happy" into Happy Valley? Perhaps there was a translation error when the Europeans picked up the Maori name for the area. What they really called it was "Dump".
Still, the people who live there appear content, evidenced by the house across the road from the park having a butterfly on the wall above the garage door. Lovely. The cold southerly and small dusty pitch added to the attraction of this, the most Southern Turtle venue (not counting debauched team trips to Picton). In winning the toss and playing with the wind, Tel displayed leadership for the first time this season. Minutes earlier he had displayed his six-pack in the changing rooms; this paled in comparison to Snouters flagon.
The oppo were partially known to some of us, for reasons too boring to go into here. We thought they may have been OK, and they were certainly feisty, but appeared to lack cohesion - perhaps they had lost their tape. The Turts on the other hand had their socks firmly held up, and played like it, with the help of the wind. After several dangerous corners from Livi, he got his aim right and hit Si on the far side. The former athlete completely ignored the orders of his favourite bit of totty "don't head the ball dear, it will give you brain damage", and nodded in powerfully.
Random football of dubious quality followed for quite a while until our second. Livi got a nice through ball on the edge of the box and buried it with quite unnecessary violence. A short time later a wayward Don shot fell nicely for Ross on the far post, and he finished efficiently. His celebrations at scoring his first Turtle goal appeared muted, perhaps because even then he had realised that he had locked his keys in his car. Our fourth came from a lovely move involving a GT forward thrust. After starting the move, he continued towards the box, and Mat found him with a delightful through ball. GT's short cross was outrageously sweet for a full back, and Paily did it justice with an unstoppable header over the keeper. Shouts for off-side were met with disdain by Wal, who was reffing in a rather pompous manner.
This may sound like it was one way traffic, and it generally was, bar a few sporadic attacks. Tel and Si were dominant in the middle, and with help from Murray and Don the oppo's main threat, runs through the middle, were generally handled comfortably. The only worry was Don getting injured late in the half - a major concern because his subs cheque hasn't cleared yet.
At the turn-around the Turts felt confident, but knew it was at least a three-goal wind. The oppo probably felt that as well, and started off determinedly. Our re-arranged defence (Tel off) wasn't threatened though, as it soon became clear that the oppo didn't have the quality to get a lot of good ball forward. After 10 minutes we got another goal and the contest was over. Livi chipped a ball forward to Matt, who nodded it on into the path of Paily, who finished expertly again. It was the quality of this goal that finished off the oppo's confidence. Five minutes later Livi took a free-kick from just outside the area. He curled it around the wall to bounce in front of the keeper, and it was too much for him. The ball bounced up nicely off his chest for Paily to nod home.
It was about now that it all got a bit silly. Phildo limped off, a victim of the dreaded Langridge hammy, and having used all our subs, we were down to ten. Matt came back to help out, and whilst in our box had the ball smashed into his hand. They converted the resulting penalty, despite Snouter going the right way - my word it must have been a good take.
The oppo second goal could only be blamed on GT. The ball was played across behind our defence. It wasn't exactly a Beckham cross, but enough to create trouble for us. Si left it, and Snouter "allegedly" called, "Away". GT thought this meant to leave it for the attacker behind him. A short time later Si felt a strain at the base of his calf, and we were down to nine. Apparently no-one re-organised the defence, and there were Turts out-numbered all over the place. Weasel, playing left back, got a short goal kick and was soon surrounded. The next time Wal looked for him thus, he was hiding up on the wing. Speaking of Wal, he brought new meaning to the term "sweeper", by doing most of his sweeping in the oppo half in front of our midfield.
Luckily for us the oppo were fading, and didn't have the ability to capitalise on their numbers and wind advantage. Matt and Murray did a lot of controlled defensive work, and Livi started to take the piss every time he got the ball. This wound up a couple of the oppo head cases, a situation that only enhanced Livi's enjoyment.
Nothing much of note happened, but the local pub afterwards was nice. Some of the oppo came in as we sat around doing our fines, and they ignored us completely. This left the more sensitive Turts feeling hurt and upset.
As the wounded limped away later, we reflected on a good start to the season, but could it
last? It is already clear that those Turtles who are, shall we say, past it, will need all the help they can to cope with the demands of Div 4 footy on their crumbling bodies. Quite by chance, this reporter has come across an essential manual for the ageing player. On Thursday evening, whilst browsing through the sporting section in the travelling library (right hand side, above wheel), the gold lettering on the spine of a frayed tome demanded attention – “Football for the Aged and Unfirm”.
A quick look inside the cover confirmed that this book needed closer examination, so on handing over $2 to Dotty, the eccentric and smelly mobile librarian, the book and it’s temporary owner scuttled off home to find a quiet corner.
It was penned by one Perrigren Sideboard-Jones, who from 1873 through to 1906 was a player, secretary and president of The Gentlemen of Cleethorpe Association Football and Bestiality Club Inc., and was first published in 1902.
After a brief
foreword, in which Sideboard-Jones extols the virtues of a life of football and farm animals, the book breaks into a series of chapters on how to prolong a footballers career beyond it’s normal used-by-date. (The second half of the book has black marker all through it). Some of these chapter headings are listed below, with an excerpt of their contents:
(Some of the months mentioned have been altered to apply to Southern Hemisphere conditions)
Pre-match preparation:
Abstention from alcohol the evening before a match is unwise. The relaxing qualities of several pints of porter, followed by a knee trembler with a cheap slattern in a convenient alleyway, give a gentleman a serene sense of calm and focus come Saturday morning.
Support from the wife:
Crisply ironed socks and underwear are essential for peak performance.
Support from the mistress:
Always visit your mistress on the way to the match. A gentleman’s confidence can only be enhanced by hearing such comments as “That bitch isn’t good enough for you”, “Ooo, you are big and strong”, and “Go on, give ‘em a squeeze”.
Heading the ball:
A/. for defensive purposes
B/. for attacking purposes
A/. Defensive headers should only be made in extreme circumstances, such as when not heading the ball would result in a certain goal. The heading of big goal kicks with the wind is best left to the large central defender with a leather forehead and slurred speech.
B/. Attacking headers are a different matter entirely. When presented with the opportunity to score with a header, all efforts should be made to not only convert the chance, but also fall over and roll around. Ending up in a prone state in the goalmouth after nodding in the winner will encourage your team-mates to jump on and hug you. This can be a pleasant situation to the senses, but in no way should it be construed as “being in Oscar Wilde’s latest play”.
Never chest the ball before May:
Controlling the ball on your chest is an attractive and effective skill. However, on the bouncy fields of autumn you can look a bit silly when the ball rebounds off you in all sorts of directions. Leave chesting until mid-winter at least, when the heavy, sodden ball is more likely to hit you and drop like a whores’ draws at your feet, which looks good.
Never overlap before July:
Fullbacks are generally encouraged to get forward and put in crosses. This is silly. A gentleman fullback does his defensive work and no more – there are others to do that attacking stuff. If you do feel the need to see the other end, at least leave it until winter, when, after getting stranded 100 yards from home, you have time to stroll back as the opposition hack the ball through the mud and puddles.
Defending against small, quick persons:
Should you, during the early stanzas of the match, have the misfortune to find yourself marking a young, quick opponent, who, on the first available occasion, runs past you at speed, this can be rectified at the next occasion of what is known as set piece play, eg. a corner or throw-in. Swift contact between your elbow and his nose will generally act as suitable precursor to the following comment - “Should you have cause to run around me again, sir, I shall have no hesitation in breaking your fucking legs”.
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