Si warms up for reffing duty (but not selected)

The first beings that could, at a stretch, be called human, used to have to kill animals or be killed by them. Life was a game, and a jolly good one to watch. Later, Man eliminated the risk element of killing and eating animals by only eating the gentle ones. Man now had little or no conflict in his life, and missed it, so invented games. These games at first involved trying to do things better than the next guy, like throwing a stick further, but soon developed into direct contests, like wrestling, or mating with the best looking Neanderthal bird in the valley. As society became more civilised these contests were formalised, the ultimate evolution of which is a game of footy on a Saturday.

Now generally, the participants in these Saturday rituals are there to enjoy themselves, regardless of the result; putting to use the skills they have learnt from a young age, or just having a run around to keep up a level of fitness that benefits their general state of health. A vast majority of them are social players, and are not there for any sort of conflict. These people have plenty of other elements of conflict in their lives, be it in their working, home or social life. Take for example specimen A, a typical Turtle. After a nights sleep broken only by the baby crying at 2, 4 and 6, he heads off to work, playing chicken with some nong in a Beamer doing 90 k down the gorge. On arrival at the office, his first email is from HR advising a date for the disciplinary hearing against Eric in Sales, who has been stealing underwear samples. Then it's a meeting with the CFO who wants to get rid of the coffee machine because it wasn't budgeted for, followed by one with the CEO who wants to get rid of the CFO because he is gay. Lunch is with a former colleague with no personality but great norks, then the afternoon is spent picking holes in a proposal put forward by that smarmy little new graduate who wants your job. At home later the chilli conflicts with the calamari from lunch, and he misses most of Coronation Street to engage in some hand to hand conflict with the 2-ply.

So come Saturday, the last thing specimen A wants is more conflict. Specimen B is, however, a different story. The average day for this person involves a bus trip to the local factory or warehouse, 8 hours of menial toil, then 4 hours of drinking in a convenient barn. Little or no conflict there, so come Saturday specimen B is ready for some. There were a fair few B's in the Turtle oppo on Saturday. That's not to say that Naenae is a breeding ground for this type of people, but several of them were just a bit too close to stereo-type. When half of them piled out of a van emblazoned with advertising for Disco hire, the neon signs were all there.

In keeping with this week's theme - Brotherly Love

It was a patched up Turtle side that faced them. Steve, Si, GT, Mat and Wal were out injured, and drafted in were two youths from the second team. As well as this, there was no sign of Livi and Paily close to kick-off time. Allegedly Paily's car had broken down outside Livi's restaurant - a feeble excuse for an excuse. From the look of Livi the real excuse would probably have involved a late night, a hot Russian babe, and a spicy wonton soup.

Regular fill-ins Darryl and Brendan were starting, the latter playing a great game, hoping to impress Snouter with an eye on his upcoming salary review. The former was good, but clearly distracted. The reason came out later - Darryl had been offered a job DJ'ing at Liks, but was considering not taking it. It was obviously a hard decision that needed to be masticated over. The second team ringers added energy, and from left back Aaron created the first scoring chance. Under pressure he played a defence splitting pass into the path of the oppo No. 10, who, we were to find out later, was a complete tosser. He approached Snouter, tried to chip him from 10 yards, and scuffed it wide. Prat.

Playing uphill, the Turts competed well against a team that obviously trained. Tel was having a good game coming forward, and Don and Murray were battling to keep the midfeild contest even. Weas was reffing, and after calling a few fouls was getting plenty of abuse, particularly from their No. 8, who was making the early running for WOTD (wanker of the day). (Later taken from him by the No. 10). After about 20 minutes our energy flagged a bit, and the tide turned. A corner was swung in, and Snouter called. A feeble flap, reminiscent of the great Stevie in his heyday, touched nothing but air, and we were one down. In a masterful display of deflection, Snouter later blamed Dodge for getting in the way. 
Snout partly made up for that howler by saving well with his gut a short time later, and shortly before half-time dived low to his right to put one around the post. As the half drew to a close the back four was under constant pressure, not least from the pathetic whinging that went on every time a decision went against the oppo, although a nice elbow to the jaw from PK did see one free-kick go their way.

At half-time, a couple who wouldn't see 80 again set off from one side of the pitch, hell bent on making the other side before the second half started. As the boys finished their drinks (Orange Mango), they were approaching the centre circle, and really going for it, leaning into the breeze and pumping their arms. As the lads wandered into postion for the restart, the two pensioners reached their goal and celebrated with some oxygen.

Livi and Paily now joined the fray, and Livi's first touch was sublime, barging the obnoxious No. 8 off the ball. It's a shame that incident didn't get more nasty, as he would've looked better with sprig marks in his forehead. As with the first half we started well, and Don and Brendan had several shots from outside the box. Three Livi corners created problems for their keeper, but nothing fell right, and as time wore on you could see the fitness starting to tell again.

After a couple of bad misses by the oppo forwards, the second goal finally came. The ball was lobbed into the box from the right, and an oppo forward had about ten minutes to wait for it to come down for a shot over Snouter into the roof of the net. Goals three and four were similar, with the ball getting forward quickly, and our backline was outnumbered by the oppo midfield surging forward. On each occasion they had ample time to pass across to the far post for an easy finish. Despite the game being over as a contest, certain elements in the oppo had not yet had enough conflict to get them through another week. Their No.10 went rabid at one stage, and Murray was the recipient of the inevitable kick in the back of the ankles. After the game he went off to have blood tests.

Our consolation goal came from an excellent piece of reffing by PK. A big hoof downfield was going harmlessly for a goal kick when their keeper wandered over to it and let it clip his cap as it bounced over. PK spotted this, and gave a corner. For this he was branded a cheat by several of the charming gentlemen in the Naenae team. This was not surprising, as we have it on good authority, from other teams who have played them in recent years, that this is a ploy to try and justify the appalling cheating the visiting teams generally encounter at their home games.

Anyway, from this corner, a rushed clearance was crossed back in by Brendan. Don saw the chance coming his way, but hesitated - "if I go for this, get cleaned out by the keeper and suffer a serious injury, Linda will go spare, in light of our impending departure overseas. She is scary, but what the hell. It's not like we're married". His nod was precise, and the goal was a deserved reward for all his work in this game, not to mention his tireless efforts in creating and maintaining our fabulous website over the last few years. Oh, and cleaning up PK's puke after FA Cup night.

At the final whistle Weas shook hands with their No. 10 and couldn't resist a comment. This sparked off a brief discussion that was one-sided in terms of logic and intelligence. Weas left the ground a bit grumpy, but later browsed over his off-shore share portfolio to make him feel better. Their No. 10 no doubt went home happy, looking forward to another week making rivets.

Tel tracking

Cassie does a PK