June
16th: Turtles 5 (3) - BNU 3 (1)
by
Coroglen Miss Bouquet (aka Cassie)
Saturday
is always a big day for me. During
the week I pretty much mope around but Saturday is different.
I know that it has arrived when the kids go off to their morning sport.
I see their boots come out and I know that the afternoon will be my time.
Things
really get cracking when the car boot gets opened up for me and we’re off to
the game. I’ve been mascot for
about 10 years now and it is not getting any easier – not only am I slowing
down, but the Turtles are too. And
then there’s my relationship with Dodger – he’s never quite forgiven me
for winning the 1998 World Cup sweepstake he ran (allez France).
Today
was going to be extra special. It
was pissing down so I would get really muddy and then get to shower off with the
lads later (believe it or not, Ross actually rang up to see if the Turts play in
the pouring rain – what a pussy!). So
I was extra pissed off when Fiona and James got home late from indoor cricket.
My warm-up time with the Turts would be cut short.
So when we got there the game was about to start.
I was
amazed to see both Zil and Spratty on the field. They were hobbling around like right old farts the week
before. Best space fillers I’d
ever seen. I thought their seasons
(careers?) were over, but here was Zil looking pretty keen in the rain.
Spratty was only reffing though.
We were
at the Spiritual Home. I ran to the
third tree from the changing rooms, took a quick piss, and we were off.
I was worried that the lads hadn’t been properly drilled without me in
the warm up – but too late now. We
were playing BNU who I particularly like because they are a bit of a soft touch
and they don’t have any bastard supporter dogs for me to worry about (like the
monster that North Wellington used to have).
The
conditions were perfect for a rough, tough, Scottish sheepdog like me.
I found a couple of puddles to slide through and was right in my element.
Even got to have a shake next to Big Si who was looking sharp in togs and
gumboots. Not so the Turts though.
They were slipping around like the next visitor to the bog after PK and
things were going Brooklyn’s way early on.
A great through ball from Leon – who’s accent always adds a bit of
class (y’ know wot I mean?) and we were nearly one down.
BNU had obviously got over their first round kicking – probably by
sniggering at Ross who had managed to lock the keys of the Merc in the boot –
and had come to play.
And then
we started to lift it. A good move
down the left saw Livi with a bit of space.
He turned it back into GT who latched on to it and immediately sealed TIT
for himself. With the goalie beaten
he only needed to nudge it a few feet to score into an open net.
However, he not only didn’t billow it out – he barely pushed it the
length of Spratty’s dick. Thankfully Matt was at hand to put it away though (I didn’t
think he was offside either Spratty). GT
had the gall to claim an assist.
It was
about then that Grunter made his customary, late, entrance.
I really like him. He has a son who I can sneak chips off and he brings that
bucket of water for me to drink out of. So
I had a quick slurp and started to worry a little less.
BNU were
obviously a little annoyed with Spratty’s off-side-not call and came back
fighting. Ken in particular was
looking sharp and Snouter was having to deal with some pretty good crosses.
He took a knock on one of these and went down but Grunter was, literally,
unmoved (so much for ‘he’s not heavy, he’s my brother’).
Then
from a goal mouth scramble Brendan played it to The Half who pushed it wide down
the left to GT. We braced ourselves
for a reattempt on TIT – the ball was
on his left foot after all - but he had the last word. A sublime chip found Matt’s head and he nodded it away for
2-0. A genuine assist leading to a
headed goal! Things were looking
good.
And then
I saw him. That young pretender to
my position as mascot (though he’ll never
be in team colours) – Fergus. He’s
this cute little boxer, if you like that kind of thing, that tags along with
Matt. Hard to turn him away because
he’s the one scoring all the goals lately.
It was much easier with Gary Raine.
He’d
been tied up to one of the trees by the footpath by Matt. He was looking pretty damp.
This was just fine by me but then bloody Big Si went and bloody got him.
Next thing he was dribbling on my
ball. This was all getting a bit much so I gave him my best
fang-show and let him know who was boss. He
got the idea, and the game was able to continue.
Both
teams were playing well now in very tough conditions. Lots of one-touches and filling of space out wide.
However, the BNU first goal was a pure, in the muck, goal-mouth-scramble
and they were back in the game. Then
Livi decided he was tired of Matt getting all the limelight.
Matt got a ball to him from the restart and Livi was back! Beating his man down the middle then slotting it bottom right
corner – keeper had no chance.
So into
half time with the Lads up 3-1. Lots
of mindless talk about dominating space (I really don’t know why they bother)
and a few pats for me. Then an
unusual smell hit my nostrils – I hadn’t smelled it since being at a student
fees march a few years back; the oppo were smoking some weed! A whole lot of good vibes then started to waft in and the
afternoon was looking up! Leon came
over and offered me a toke, but I am an
old dog and that was a new trick.
Grunter mentioned something about an alternative to the half time drink
for next week’s game.
So back
on for the second half. BNU seemed
to be just floating over the puddles and they weren’t putting up the white
flag just yet. Dodger then had a
goal kick that Zil got a flick on from his head (just seemed to slide over the
top) which shot through to Matt. A
little touch on to Pali who just smashed it from the front of the box (not bad
for his first touch – he’d only come on at half time).
The game now looked safe.
The
halftime euphoria hadn’t had time to wear off yet though and BNU gamely stuck
at it. They were rewarded with a
good headed goal that came from a chip over from the left. Snouter managed an eye-dog-like glare over at PK as he
dragged the ball out of the back of the net.
He
wasn’t feeling too good about Matt a couple of minutes later either.
He did a great goal kick that cleared the defence and set up Matt for
what would have been his hat-trick and an assist for him.
Matt squirted it wide though and more gloom descended on our famous Last
Line of Defence.
In fact,
gloom was just about everywhere. A
highlands-like mist (I was really feeling right at home) had descended over the
park. We supporters could by now
only see about half way across the field. I
gave my best Hound of the Baskerville’s impression and scared the pretender
Fergus shitless. Tee hee.
These
conditions were giving Leon an unfair advantage at the back. Captain Stevie (Tel was off having another nippleectomy I
guess) put in an appeal for bad light but Spratty told him to try cracking a few
jokes instead and on they went.
Brendan
was sure getting pissed off with it. He’d
just got his second direct drive into the guts (‘I never saw it coming …’)
and was thinking about taking an early shower.
He figured he’d now done enough solid defending to ensure MoM but Ross,
our very dry reserve (no, he’s not a red wine – though at about that point
he was thinking of one) talked him out of it.
The mist
started to clear and we got to see Livi thread a great pass through to Matt who
now had his hat-trick. Livi decided
to show off now and the next time he got the ball he beat the same guy about 5
times. This good-natured defender
was obviously still feeling euphoric from half-time and allowed Livi to keep his
legs. A good decision.
Amazingly
BNU kept at it and started to apply some good pressure.
Snouter managed to get in the way of everything though and also got to
show off his juggling skills. Right
on full time Phil decided that BNU deserved a break and gave it away in front of
goal. They worked it down the right and turned it back in (deep in
my memory I seem to recall Wal doing that kind of thing) for a touch in at the
near post.
So the
game ended 5-3 and there was lots of good natured banter to be had with the
oppo. I got to do my customary run
out on to the pitch at the end, and then it was off to the warmth of the
changing rooms. The floor was
particularly dusty so I got to have a great lick and then into the shower with
Stevie – he likes to not be the hairiest in the stall if he can possibly
manage it.
As we
trudged into the Turtles Lounge later I was a bit peeved that there were no
soft-touch kids around for me to scrounge some chips off but relieved that there
was no sign of Fergus. Then I got
to lock eyes with Phil and some nice Kettle Fries were soon heading my way.
By the
way fellas, I need a ride to the game next week.
Wal is off to Queenstown on some corporate wank.