|
|
July 7th: Turtles 2 (2) - Lower Hutt B 3 (0)by Steve ("Where the hell is my medication!") Hambleton What could have happened: That damn alarm clock interrupts my dream about Moulin Rouge. I lie there for a few minutes, watching the filtered sun play on the features of Jodie Foster, who has been on my ceiling since 1984. She gives me the strength to get up each day, and once she gets time I’m sure she will reply to my letters. I don’t bother to shower or shave, as it is Monday, and by seven I’m on the bus. Normally I get a seat, but there is a strike on, so it is packed. I’m squashed in the middle, right next to a fat bitch who stinks. This heatwave is making everybody smell bad. By the time I can get off that old shaking is starting at the back of my neck, but the short walk beside the river brings the calm again. Chicago in summer really can be quite pretty. At work, I collect my first load, and start sorting. There is a soothing rhythm to my work, and this morning I whiz through my first bag in three minutes less than usual. I’m about to start my second bag when Doug the new supervisor interrupts. Someone on my route complained about a torn letter last Friday. I tell him it wasn’t my fault, but he gets all hot about it. I tell him to shove off. The shaking has now returned, and the dark spots are here again too. For the first time in ages, the whispers start up. By morning tea break, when I go down to the cafeteria, my head is struggling to cope with the noise. I go to buy a muffin, but they have gone up 10 cents!!! Struggling to walk straight, I cross the room and get on to the PC for my five minutes. As usual, I log on to the Turtles website to see how they got on at the weekend. A big win, with goals to Livi and Matt, and Big Si got one from a corner. These guys are great, and after tea I go back to my sorting feeling calm and in control. What did happen:....... By morning tea break, when I go down to the cafeteria, my head is struggling to cope with the noise. I go to buy a muffin, but they have gone up 10 cents!!! Struggling to walk straight, I cross the room and get on to the PC for my five minutes. As usual, I log on to the Turtles website to see how they got on at the weekend. They lost!!! Two nil up at halftime, with goals to Murray and Tel (direct from a Weasel corner), they went down three-two. How could this happen. The match report says the old fitness told in the end, and that to be fair they were beaten by the better team on the day, but that can’t be right. There is no better team. Something bad must have happened. As I look closely at the pictures, I can just make out that the oppo have small horns on their foreheads. I’ve seen this before, at Wrigley Field on Sunday, when some guys with the same horns beat the Cubs. I got angry that day, but this is far worse. It is now happening all over the world. What can I do? Just as I’m about to send an email to the Turtle Lounge to warn the lads, Doug comes over and tells me my time for tea is up, and I have to get back to work. I look around, and Shit!!!, he has the horns too.“Sure Doug, but first I just have to go to the bathroom”. I try to appear calm, in case he realises that I know, and run for the toilet. Once in, I smash a window and escape to the street. What am I going to do? Everyone is in danger. It started with some of the worlds great sporting teams, but now it looks like one of the worlds great Postal Services has been infiltrated. Does anyone else know? I doubt it, or else it would have been in the papers. I’ve got to act. I could go to the police, but they didn’t believe me when I told them about Mrs Bogonosia being eaten by my cat, so they probably wouldn’t believe this either. The FBI probably wouldn’t want to know either, especially after they thought that finding the teeth of Mrs Bogonosia and Mrs Constipato in my fridge was just me keeping them cold for them. I'd better kill someone. I walk down to the corner of Ariola and Vine, to Fat Ted’s Gun Emporium. At last I can use that gun license that Dad got me for my 10th birthday. I choose an Uzi 9mm, like Arnie uses, and buy 50 rounds, just to be on the safe side. Fat Ted asks me what I’m going to use the gun for, and then laughs heartily when I tell him it is to wipe out the demons that are taking over the world. He throws in 2 free rounds, on the condition that I take out his mother-in-law as well, and rents me an ankle length leather coat with modified internal pockets. Now fully armed, I go to a nearby park to load up and consider my next move. So far, Doug is the only target I know the whereabouts of. Those baseballers and Lower Hutt B are probably a bit out of my range at the moment, but I need to act against them too. An email will have to suffice at this stage. There is a cyber-cafe across the road from work, so I'll go there and then pop across to take out Doug. Fat Henry's Cafe was quiet, being mid-morning, with only two customers hunched over keyboards. Fat Henry had his back turned when I walked in, yelling at someone out back in the kitchen. When he turned round, you guessed it - horns. The time had come to start saving the world. I politely ordered coffee and a danish, and got my weapon out as he turned and yelled the order to the kitchen. When he turned again, I removed his head. The noise startled the three staff and the two customers, who didn't, as it turns out, have horns, but quickly became innocent casualties of war. So that was good, and I was happy with my accuracy, although the waitress had to be finished off after the first shot only winged her. I wiped down the coat (didn't want to lose my deposit), and headed across the street to see Doug. The side entrance took me straight into the sorting area, and luckily Doug was in his office. I knocked, entered and removed him from the equation. The noise created a bit of panic, so I rushed to the lifts, and pushed 6, which was where management hung out. I figured that if Doug had them, then the rest of those bastards probably would too. Sure enough, the first three people I met had horns, and my aim was excellent, considering that they were all running away at speed. By now there was an alarm going off, and targets were becoming scarce. Then a bonus - the CEO came around a corner, horns and all, and said he wanted to talk. I was about to fire when I heard another shot. Oh Jodie.
|
|
[ HOME | 2006 SEASON | ALL-TIME | PLAYERS | LINKS ] comments to: |