Turtle noun a sea-creature resembling a tortoise, with flippers used in swimming [Oxford concise]

Papanui, Christchurch 1977

I love turtles. I’ve always loved them, ever since I first saw them at the zoo when I was six. Their grace, their wrinkly feet, scaly skin and odd smell….they reminded me of my gran, God bless her. Our house was football mad. Whole Saturdays were spent at the park as me and my brother played one after the other and then dad in the afternoon. Mum worked in the kitchen up in the clubrooms and all the visiting team captains’ used to praise her lovely buns. Grandad nearly always won the meat raffle. It was like Christmas every Saturday. But as I got older I wanted something more from it all. After Rupert my pet turtle died when I was 15, I sort of drifted for a while. 

Then one day it happened. I heard about this football team in Wellington who were called the Turtles. It was an unbelievable feeling, first one of shock and then one of out-and-out excitement. In fact, that feeling has only been matched one other time in my life. This was when I found out that my flatmates in London were having an affair. Shock initially, because I had long been brought up with a “don’t screw the crew mentality”. But then out-and-out excitement because of the fact that my flatmates were both female, and the flat walls were paper-thin. Back then it was logical that I undertook research on this team. When I found out that they had a web-site I starting reading it. Initially just every now and then, but later, more and more frequently, till it got to the point that I would log on immediately after I estimated that the final whistle had been blown in Wellington, and I would stay there fixed on the screen until the MR had been downloaded. I would re-live the victories (as described in the MR) in my mind all week. Losses were much the same as GT in front of an open goal - they always ended in tears. By now I was addicted to the turtles. Summers were terrible times for me. I felt so alone. Even my “All the Way to Spain - 1982 All Whites” video was of little solace. By the time I finished school, my grades had suffered so badly that I ended up failing, my academic record a disgrace. My dreams of getting a poo-cleaning apprenticeship at the zoo went up in smoke. There was nothing left for me to do other than to go to university, study commerce and become an accountant. In hindsight this wasn’t such a bad thing, because it ended up being the only way I was going to get into the team. I learned that you had to satisfy at least one of four criteria to make the Turtles:

1) be aged between 30 and 40

2) be of Burmese or Thai extraction

3)  be a bloody good player

4)  have a wife who has a very close link to the Hurricanes cheerleaders (I assumed that this must be one of the criteria, otherwise how could Spratty have made the team? If its not a criteria, then he’s the whitest Burmese man I have seen)

Criteria 2 and 3 were just not possible for me, and it would be too difficult to prove that I had nailed one of the cheerleaders after a Super 12 game in 1999 by convincing her that I was Jonah’s half brother. Dangerous as well, ‘coz she was going out with Jerry Collins at the time. So I had to bide my time in Christchurch until 2001, the year I turned 30. And as the song goes, “the road had been long, with many a winding turn”, and it had lead me all the way to Wellington for an interview with PricewaterhouseCoopers.

PricewaterhouseCoopers building, Wellington, January 2001:

“So on we go, my welfare was his concern”

It was always going to be tough. The other interviewing partner wanted to go for the big-chested blonde. I was about to be interviewed by Murray Coppersmith and I was ready for a grilling on valuation methodologies, finance principles and my experience in charging exorbitant rates for doing sod-all. I needed to have something special. I was nervous. And when my opportunity came along, I clinched it. It was as if Rupert was there showing me the way.

MC: I see on your CV that you’ve listed soccer as a hobby

Me: Yes Mr Coppersmith

MC: What position to you play?

Me: Anywhere

MC: Goalie?

Me: No

MC: Ever played goalie?

Me: No

MC: Want to play goalie?

Me: Not really

MC: Not even thought about it?

Me: Never

MC: What about reserve goalie?

Me: ……………….look I don’t want to be a goalie

MC: Got a problem with goalies?

Me: No

MC: (looking visibly relieved) well given that you don’t want to play goalie, then there could be a spot for you in my team, just 4 more questions. Do you drink beer?

Me: Yes

MC: do you watch rugby and cricket?

Me: Yes

MC: How many runs did NZ require to win off the last ball in the under-arm match?

Me: 7

MC: Do you know at least 3 verses of “The Gambler”?

Me: I know all of them

MC: You’re hired. Get me a coffee. (To the other partner: “we’ll take the girl on as a secretary”)

Lower Hutt, May 2001:

I finally got to make my debut against Lower Hutt B. I hadn’t been able to sleep all week. I got into the changing room, slunk off to a corner, and then put in the tightest football jersey I had ever worn. By the time I had put my boots on, my nipples had begun to chafe. I was a nervous wreck but I was very proud. If only Rupert could have seen me now. Luckily the atmosphere was relaxed. Spratty came and stood next to me and said “Who the fuck are you?” “I work with Murray” I whispered back. “Murray’s not even playing. You’re in the wrong shed. Piss off” I pointed at Murray C with a quizzical look on my face. Another friendly man piped up. “Oh you mean Snouter, Grunter’s brother. Nice to meet you, I’m Dodger”. Dodger had saved me. He saves Snouter in goal a lot too. There were so many new names to learn Rupert. And they were all such cool names - GT, PK, Tel, Snouter, Dodger, Grunter, Spratty, Paily, Livi and Zil. I worried about Matt though. He seemed to have such a plain name compared to the others. They need to find one for him with a more flair and panache, particularly given he is a striker. 

We went out onto the pitch. I thought I would go and find the captain. You can always tell a lot about a team from the captain. “He’s not here. He’s up in Auckland at a body building championship, going head-to-head with Suzanne Prentice”. Hmmmmmmm. A man called Wal was captain for the day. He’s got a really nice dog. Rupert would have liked playing with Cassie. Not Mattias’s dog though. Fergus would have eaten Rupert, shell and all. Wal said “Look, I’m not doing a speech today. I said one last week and we lost, so sod it”. I was breathless. What Vision. What Inspiration. I was so pumped up. Whilst I would not have gone out and died for the Turtles that day, I certainly would have gone into a coma.

Benburn Park, Karori, August 4th, 2001

Turtle custodian Snouter, on his record breaking 275th appearance (with understudy backing him up!)

To many, to reach 275 matches would seem impossible. Particularly as age, and uh, other things increase. But not to Snouter: “But I know I’m strong, strong enough to carry on”. A near season record number of spectators were on hand to witness two massive turtle milestones against Wellington. Snouters record-breaking 275th match and the startling pre-match relevation that Stevie has a black john thomas. And further, it was Zil’s 200th game, which he celebrated with a first half tit of the day performance, and a second half refereeing performance that almost reduced one opposition player to tears. But all eyes were on Snouter. There was a nervous buzz around the park. In light of his heroics in the loss last week against Naenae, would the team be able to savor his milestone with a victory and would he be required to pull off stunners yet again? The game started off at fever pitch, no team gaining ascendancy. Even Fergus had taken his eyes off Cassie and was concentrating on the game. Then his tail went into overdrive. Mattivaldo received the ball well out and it was almost like the man ‘marking’ him, two of the defenders and the goalkeeper all had money with the bookies on a goal being scored right on 15 minutes as Mattriguez was allowed to nicely set himself up and hit a clean low shot which the goalie sort of watched go in. It was no surprise to later see the name “J Cronje” on the opposition team card. The game carried on, no real chances to either team. With the exception of one tip over the bar by Snouter, it was like he was back at the office, nothing to do. The defense was rock solid, Tel and Si dominant in the air and on the deck, PK was in the thick of it, and Zil…..Zil, well Zil’s refereeing performance went a long way to erasing the memories of the home tie debacle against Naenae. The second goal came with 10 minutes to go in the first half. Stu received the ball on the left touchline and dribbled it cross half the field, with the opposition sweeper marking him and yelling “go on have a go, have a go, have a go, have a go”. So Stu had a go. 2-0, a blinder. This was not in the script. J Cronje left to make a phone call, and was seen leaving in a dark car shortly afterwards. The second half was reasonably even, with the turts having the better of the chances. Stevie hit the crossbar with his corner kick, and Mattivega rattled the woodwork as well. The only other incident of note was PK colliding with an opposite which resulted in him standing on PK’s hand. There was no need for any of us to say “oh why don’t you just kick him in the head as well” because he in fact collected PK in the cheek with his heel on the way back up. Full credit to PK, he kept his cool. Thank God Livi wasn’t playing. All in all a pretty professional result by the team, 2-0, and moderate celebrations of Snouter’s and Zil’s achievement afterwards, as expected by a team comprising individuals who have always demonstrated great maturity and responsibility in the presence of alcohol. In fitting with a team so focused on its quest for third place, all attention turned to the next match, a crucial tie against University, but for Snouter just game number 276 and another day trying to keep a clean sheet. “He ain’t heavy………he’s my boss”.

After-thought: Bobby, although your record has gone, you must try and take something positive out of the number 275. In much the same way as the Aussie cricketers in India did after losing the test series. At least they now know VS Laxman is susceptible to getting out to the hook shot when he’s on 275.

[ HOME | 2006 SEASON | ALL-TIME | PLAYERS | LINKS ]

comments to:
don@soccer.net.nz