May
4th:
Turtles 6 (1) - Island Bay A 0 (0)
by Stevie "Gerbil Hutch" Hambleton
The Turtles defence in action
The editors desk at Jetplane Press, publisher of the Turtle Website, has lately received several criticisms of these match reports. One unnamed fat bastard complained that last weeks report contained several factual errors, and wasted too much time on irrelevant drivel. Another large member of the reading public commented that during a quiet moment at work last week he had spent 3 hours reading the match reports from 1997 (without moving his lips), and lamented that the days when you could read a Turtle match report to find out what happened during the game appear to have gone.
Like all respectable publications, we welcome constructive criticism, and certainly wouldn't tell either of these useless, lazy slobs to fek off. In fact, great efforts have been already been made to spice up this column, in the shape of a little bit of research into the competition. The Bombers FC Website, widely regarded as the second best amateur football website in the world, contains match reports of advanced literary merit. To effectively describe a match of Div 13 footy in the form of a Dr Seuss poem, or almost entirely in Shakespearian sonnets, takes a bit of skill, and unfortunately the FTFC staff does not yet contain anyone with an Oxbridge Masters in Classical Literature.We believe the Waterside Karori club has a website, and that the First Team has match reports written by a former Turtle, Greenie. Must look at that sometime.About the only other competition comes from commercial newspaper sites, like The Guardian of London. Their best match descriptions come in the form of a minute by minute log, and if that is what you want, then here you are:
Guest import (Donaldo) shows off his pace and his Pommie suntan
Minute 1: Oppo kick-off into a blustery wind, and tap it around a bit. Donaldo, flown in especially from London for this crucial fixture, makes first badly timed tackle after 7 seconds.Minute 2: Turtles make their first attacking move forward, and Murray makes the first of 18 over-hit passes that are blown away for a goal kick.Minute 3: Chris wins the header from the goal kick, nods down for Spratty, who turns, has a little run, and hits a shot way over the top for another goal kick. Minute 4: First argument. Prompted by Dodger telling Spratty that shot was rubbish.Minute 5: After some good lead up work from Phil at left back, Don gets a chance to put in a cross. Over-hits it badly. Goalkick. He's a bit rusty.Minute 6: Gordie arrives, and announces his availability. Starts to undress on the sideline.Minute 7: Community police officer Constable Frank Bland arrests Gordie for indecent exposure, after a complaint from a Mrs Elsie Tissue of 3 The Close, Mornington, who said she could see Gordie's arse from her kitchen window.Minute 8: Gordie released from custody on a warning.Minute 9: Donaldo makes a badly timed, studs up tackle in front of the crowd. Wild cheering.Minute 10: Oppo win their third corner. Simon wins the header, and it is carried out of defence by Murray, who feeds Wal up the right, who in turn releases Daryl further up. Daryl goes right to the line and bangs over a great cross, but at 6 foot it is just too high for Spratty in the middle.Minute 11 through Minute 18: Wayward, messy stuff, with the oppo playing the better footy.Minute 19: Don comes off, releasing the first of the crippled subs, Stevie, into the fray.
Daryl, our four legged striker with Gigantis Testicalis, does a jig on half way
Minute 20: Goooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllll!!!!!!!!! 1-0. Murray puts in a challenge about 30 yards out on our right and comes away with the ball. He advances towards the box, and as nobody seems particularly bothered with him, which is understandable, he curls it into the far corner with his left. Minute 21: Celebrations on the sideline come to a messy end with Lance having to be restrained from running on the pitch naked.Minute 22: Gordie comes on. He issues a few positional instructions, which nobody can understand.Minute 23: Stevie advances down the left, gets return ball from Spratty, and pulls it back for Gordie about 10 from goal. The Tartan Tadger mucks it up a bit, having two shots and a header in quick succession, all to no avail.Minute 24 : Dodge lines up a rare tackle. Ross also lines up a rare tackle. It’s the same tackle. The oppo player and the ball get off scott-free, as Ross takes Dodger out in a terrible but, to some sections of the crowd, popular incident.Minute 25: Chris moves to centre back, where he claims to be an expert.Minute 26 through Minute 44: Lots of wasted ball pumped forward by us, their attacks become less threatening, and Mrs Elsie Tissue of 3 The Close, Mornington, has a cup of tea.Minute 45: The ref, an oppo player, finds a whistle in his hand, and blows it for the first time.Minute 46: Spratty, Gordie and Daryl have a little game amongst themselves from the kick-off.Minute 47: Spratty, Gordie and Daryl stand around congratulating each other on a nice bit of play whilst the rest of the team struggles to cope with the renewed vigour of the oppo.Minute 48: Mrs Elsie Tissue of 3 The Close, Mornington receives her regular Saturday afternoon visitor at the door, and is taken, roughly, on the hall floor.Minute 49: Phildo gets stuck down in the right back corner, and, with the help of Murray, plays his way out in French fashion. His last pass is a peach up the line to Daryl, who doesn't do it justice.Minute 50 through Minute 57: Oppo attacks centre around their No. 10. No decent shots for Snouter to worry about.
Spratty lines up a shot on goal
Minute 58: Goooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllll!!!!!!!!! 2-0. A Weasel corner is nodded on by Daryl at the front post, through the keepers hands, and to the feet of Spratty for a tap in at the far. Weasel later said he saw Spratty unmarked, but "held back on it" because of it being a small field. Minute 59: Mrs Elsie Tissue of 3 The Close, Mornington thanks her visitor and puts the kettle on.Minute 60: Gordie attempts to take the piss, and loses the ball. Spratty remembers why he doesn't like playing with Gordie. Gordie remembers why he doesn't like Spratty. Minute 61: A Stevie hoof into the box is intercepted by an oppo nose, which bleeds profusely.Minute 62: Snouter gets back from Mornington just in time to securely take a difficult swirling shot heading for the top corner.Minute 63: Weasel runs around the oppo No. 4, who recovers to kick Weasel in the back of the leg. Wal replaces Weasel at left half.
Minute 64: Goooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllll!!!!!!!!! 3-0. Gordie sends Daryl away on the right, and his finish into the far bottom corner at first viewing looks clinical, but on later video evidence proves to be a bit of a mishit.Minute 65 through Minute 71: Who knows.Minute 72: An oppo corner looks wasted to the far, but there is someone there! He bullets a header back at goal, and the Snouter reflexes palm it over.Minute 73: A nice looking bird walks past with a Fox Terrier.
Big Si keeps a close eye on the Island Bay attacker
Minute 74: Goooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllll!!!!!!!!! 4-0. Some unknown Turtle puts in a good cross, which Daryl challenges for, and it falls Gordie and Don at the far post. Neither is sure who got the touch, but video evidence, and popular vote, gave it to Don.Minutes 75 and 76: Sorry, wasn't watching.Minute 77: PK comes on for the crocked Murray. His first contact with the ball is smooth, and from that moment on he is in the zone. At every opportunity he takes the piss - back heels, drag-backs, shimmys, the lot. Will probably be dropped for next week.
Minute 78: Goooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllll!!!!!!!!! 5-0. Daryl advances up the right, and squares for Gordie. Using his belly to good effect, the TT barges through the keeper, and bundles over a defender in the process of scoring.Minute 79 through 83: The oppo attacks are now limited to their No. 10, with virtually no support. Snouter may or may not have been in his goal during this period.
Minute 84: Goooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllll!!!!!!!!! 6-0. Simon pumps forward a hopeful ball. Under little or no pressure, the oppo (replacement) keeper hoofs it against one of his defenders, and in it goes. For some reason Gordie and Daryl congratulate each other.Minute 85 through Minute 90: Mrs Elsie Tissue of 3 The Close, Mornington rewinds and checks the tape. The clarity is better this time, and will be useable.