May
25th: Turtles 3 (3) - Olympic 3 (1)
"The Olympic Game - Turtles
Patron provides Inspiration"
by
P.K. (Paul Kyne)
As big games go this was one of the biggest. Indeed, the
Olympic Game was always going to be a huge ask - a true test of whether the
Turtles could hack the pace in the race for Masters supremacy. The lads would
need all the support they could get, and no fewer than 19 hardy spectators
braved the chilly but fine winters day to witness the epic encounter.
Among the spectators, heavily disguised in not much at all,
was the team’s patron, Miss Kylie Minogue. Apparently, Kylie had abandoned her
sellout tour of the States to make the long trip south to the home of the
Fabulous Turtles. This somewhat surprising decision had come after an interlude
with skipper Wal in a Seattle nightclub.
All week Wal had been battling insomnia in the knowledge that
he was about to miss yet another crucial Turtles fixture. He consoled himself by
clubbing each night with the glitterati. While doing the bump with Kylie, Wal
took the opportunity to brief the megastar on her status as Turtles patron for
2002. Such was Wal’s passion (for the beautiful game) that Kylie, an avid
supporter of the Arse, was eager to see more Turtle action downunder. She
debriefed Wal and then ceremoniously dumped him, crossing the globe to see the
fabulous ones strutting their stuff at Benburn. Make no mistake, when the game
got underway she was not disappointed.
Dodge won the toss which, despite accusations, was not rigged
by the referee, and the Turtles played with the wind and sun at their back in
the first half. Before kickoff it was bitterly cold and a number of the lads
complained that their nipples had assumed Kournikovian proportions. How did they
know this? Could it be verified? Or was this just the first of many mistakes?
The match, against an Olympic team full of good players but
not of good sports, started at 2.38pm. For the first 10 minutes the teams tested
each other out in midfield. Sean started strongly for the Turtles and together
with Murray and Chris gained some ascendancy. This hard fought superiority was
rewarded in the 12th minute when an excellent corner
from Zil found Gordy at the far post. Unchallenged the big Scotsman nodded home
with aplomb. In her delight Kylie led the turtle supporters in a rousing
rendition of “Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na Na” a great chorus line from her biggest
hit “I can’t get you out of my Head.”
One suspects that the supporters were already making an
impression on Gordy, but much of the credit for the first goal should go to Zil.
Back on duty just one week after delivering his third child, he exuded the
confidence of a man in his prime. When the corner was awarded he duly stepped up
and did the business, much as he had done nine months previously. For the
record, there was no disputing the corner, nor the paternal parentage of baby
Kelsey Wilkinson (aka Lil Zil).
Back to the game. 1-zip and things were starting to get a bit
testy. Olympic were under pressure and making mistakes aplenty. Around the 20th
minute, a crucial error by an Olympic defender gifted the ball to Gordy. Looking
up with a twinkle in his eye he seized the opportunity for a long range shot at
goal. It was an absolute belter and rocketed into the top right corner. The
keeper was well beaten and at 2-0 the crowd was going wild to the rhythm of “It’s
in your Eyes”, another Kylie classic befitting yet another Gordy classic.
Now the heat was really on and most Turtle nipples had shrunk
back to more Minogueish dimensions, (sorry Kylie but it’s true). The Olympic
opposition were suffering from a predictable testosterone-induced frenzy which
manifested itself in a complete lack of vision. In about the 25th minute they
were even unable to see for themselves what was blatantly obvious to the rest of
us. Gordy had cunningly snuck in behind a couple of Olympic defenders knowing
that he was being kept onside by a straggling left back. When the kilted striker
received the ball there was an immediate chorus of offside pleading from the
stranded Olympic defence. Needless to say that no offside decision was
forthcoming, as the Scotsman had been OK by at least 4-5 metres. Playing on amid
howls of derision, Gordy moved goalward to be confronted by the Olympic keeper
(aka Ricky Duncan, an ex-Turtle). Somewhat surprisingly the goalie managed to
close down the rampant striker and force a final shot wide of the posts.
Meanwhile up the field a number of Olympic players confronted
yours truly (the whistlebearer) with a barrage of unrestrained verbal. One or
two even stooped to the sort of physical intimidation which, in more formal
circumstances, would have seen them sent from the field. Once the jostling was
over the game continued with a goal kick. Kylie and her fellow spectators began
to feel uneasy.
Not long after this sorry episode a rampaging Gordy had the
Olympic defence in tatters once more. This time he turned his man and struck a
firm low shot from inside the box to the keeper’s left. By all accounts the
save was a good one, however the ball ricocheted to Darryl who made no mistake
and tapped in for 3 zip. The assembled throng on the sideline went into ecstasy.
Grunter, father and son Langridge, and the Cookies (to name a few) were all
clearly in awe of a Turtles Team that had come to play. Needless to say, Kylie
burst into the chorus of “I’m Spinning Around”. The Turtles span round and
headed back to half way.
So, half an hour into it and the Turtles were on top. But then
events took a turn for the worse. In the crucial period leading up to half time
Gordy took liberties once more with the Olympic defence and was dragged down
inside the box. A penalty was awarded and the customary verbals once again
flowed freely. I had been determined to stick to the ruling of an illegal tackle
viz a viz Rule 12 (look it up if you like - it’s a good read). However, Gordy
got off the deck and ventured his opinion that the tackle probably didn’t
warrant a penalty. I reversed my decision to avoid any bloodshed and a goal kick
was awarded. The spiteful abuse soon died down. Yeah right!
The play swept up the other end of the paddock and within 5
minutes Olympic dragged one back after a solid build up. 3-1. Not long after
this Tel suffered a piercing pain in the groin not dissimilar to an earlier one
he’d had in his nipple. He took a spell to seek treatment from Meropi on the
sideline and moments later the halftime whistle blew.
In the absence of Si and Spratty, the half-time team talk was
dominated by Dodge and Stevie. It was Stevie who emphasised the extreme
importance of keeping the oppo scoreless in the first 10 of the second spell.
Needless to say, it was about 9 minutes into the half when Olympic scored,
emphasising the extreme futility of the team talk. 3-2 and things were looking
decidely dodgey.
The second half had seen the introduction of the Pieman as
ref. Fleet-footed PJ came on upfront, I got a run at the back and Tel re-emerged
following a massage. However, Tel’s injury flared again and, in the subsequent
reshuffle, the Turtles struggled to maintain both their structure and composure.
After a number of raids deep into Turtles territory Olympic struck again. A
useful cross from the left was slotted home and at 3-3 the game hung in the
balance. Kylie was silenced.
During the last 20 minutes wave after wave of ferocious
Olympic attacks were foiled by a desperate Turtles defence and by a
man-of-the-match performance from Snout. The man in goal was Herculean in his
efforts, far more so than his more qualified opponents. One save in particular
saw him leaping at full stretch to palm away a blistering shot in most
spectacular fashion. But this was just the tip of the iceberg. Snout was so
imposing. He rose high above the rest of us on many an occasion to either claim
the ball with distinction or punch it away with steely resolve. In many ways his
feats on the day matched those later in the night from the towering Chris Jack.
However, it must be said that nothing else about Snout resembles Chris Jack in
the least.
So the game came to an end with the Turtles ensconced well
inside their own half playing a peculiar brand of siege football. However, it
was a very courageous display which saw the team hold on for the draw and claim
a much needed point. Astute observers noted that this was the Turtles second
draw in a few weeks - something of an oddity. Others failed to see Kylie at all
during the match and later doubted that she was even there. But I know I saw
her, and how else do you explain the inspired performances of Gordy and Snout?
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