This week, the Turtles very own footballing doctor, Prof. Niblick Felchmeister, tries to help some local players with their problems:

Dear Prof, my team lost on Saturday, and I'm having trouble dealing with that. My self-esteem is down, what can I do? Wal, right half.

Prof. Felchmeister writes: Being captain of a footy team is hard. Try not to get too upset, although it is your fault.

Dear Prof, I got angry with some of my team-mates on Saturday. We conceded 5 goals, and here is how they happened:

For the first goal, we gave away a free-kick just outside the area over on the right. Whilst Snouter try to sort out a wall, the oppo guy drilled it into the far bottom corner. I got angry at the wall (Muzza and Wal), Snout, and Spratty, who was reffing and allowed it.

The second was a great goal. A hopeful ball down our right looked a lost cause, but an oppo forward chased hard, and smashed in a square ball. Coming in at pace, a forward beat GT to the ball and deflected it inside the near post like a rocket. I got angry at GT for being old and oriental.

For the third goal, an aimless chip over the top looked like an orthodox collect for Snouter. The ball skidded, he fumbled, and it was a tap in for a handy forward. Snouter clearly to blame there.

The fourth goal was in the second half. A near post corner was flicked in, despite Si marking the guy closely. Si, Snout, and GT and Stevie, who were on the posts, felt my wrath for that one.

The fifth was a disgrace. Snout thought a quick throw out to an oppo forward was a good idea. The forward played it down towards our goal-line out towards the edge of the box, and all Turtles present gave it up as a goal-kick. Of course the wet ground held it up, and it was collected by another oppo player. He came back to make a better angle, and flicked it past the bemused and disorientated Snouter. There was only one person to blame for that, our so-called goal-keeper.

I really lost my rag numerous other times during the game, but felt sorry immediately afterwards. Deep down I'm really a nice person, but everyone thinks I'm a bastard. Can you help me turn that image around? Dodge, Sweeper.

Prof. Felchmeister writes: Start with little things. Compliment a fellow player on a piece of play now and then, and maybe go over and give one a hug when he makes a mistake. Compliment a fellow player when they look good in the shower, and maybe go over an offer them your gel. Soon you'll start to feel better about yourself, and you may be surprised with how some of your new friends react to you.

Dear Prof, I am a lifelong Turtles fan, and finally realised my dream a few weeks back when I travelled down from Auckland to watch them play. I enjoyed the game, and the drinks afterwards, but was disappointed that none of the players were having a birthday that day, as I enjoy giving oral relief to birthday boys. Can you tell me when the next Turtle birthday is, so I can plan my next trip. Pippy Porn Star, Akl.

Prof. Felchmeister writes: Several Turts have birthdays in July, including Phildo and Dodge. Mine is this Thursday, and by chance I'll be at your office at 8:30am. Hope you don't have in "meetings" planned with workmates that morning.

Dear Prof, my legs have gone, and I really should retire. It's just that I can't let go. I still love playing, and think I can still contribute. Also, ten pints goes down a lot better if you've sweated a little first. Should I give it away? Spratty, Forward.

Prof. Felchmeister writes: of course not. Keep it up until your liver fails. My old grandad drank a bucket of port a day, and lived to be 90. Couldn't understand a word he said for the last 40 years, but he was having a good time.

Dear Prof, I have recently returned to the Turts after a short sabbatical. I'm enjoying Masters, and score lots of goals, but on Saturday I had a shocker. After missing a penalty in the first ten minutes, I moped around complaining about how shite the service was from our midfeild, and eventually dragged myself for PJ. How can I get the desire back? Gordie, striker.

Prof. Felchmeister writes: Next weeks game is against Tawa, who are by all accounts crap. 90 minutes up front against them should deliver you a few chances, and lighten your mood. But no more pens.

Dear Prof, after announcing during the prematch kick-around that I would take any pens going, I balked when one came up early in the game on Saturday. It was too far to go on a cold wet day. Have I blown my chance of ever being offered another pen? Snouter, goal-keeper

Prof. Felchmeister writes: Yes.

Dear Prof, after joining the team this season, and having the odd twenty minutes here and there, I finally got my first assist on Saturday. Mid-way through the second half, Muzza surged through the middle, stumbling past two tacklers, and I got a pass up on the edge of the area. I controlled it, went left, and laid it into the path of Daryl, who finished well in off the post. I think I can contribute more as I get fitter, but my weight is still a problem. Can you suggest any weight loss programmes. 
PJ, forward. PS I've drunk truckloads of piss and haven't exercised since I was 17.

Prof. Felchmeister writes: Jenny Craig is recommended by Stu Robb, but my favourite is the F-All diet. F-All for breakfast, lunch and dinner, followed by a laxative. You'll soon see those pounds flush away.

Dear Prof, my body-building coach wants me to shave my pubes and get a tongue stud, but I'm not so sure. What do you think? Tel, Centre back.

Prof. Felchmeister writes: Never did me any harm, and goes down a treat at the Hero Parade.

Dear Prof, I haven't regained feeling in my fingers or toes since Saturday. My doctor says I may have to lose some of them. Would amputation be the end of my peeking and accountancy careers, or are prosthetics the answer? Snouter, goal-keeper.

Prof. Felchmeister writes: There are some excellent artificial digits on the market these days, including ones that glow in the dark, so your goal-keeping shouldn't be affected, and I'm sure there are some large breasted bimbos in your office who can take dictation.

Dear Prof, due to Saturday being the first rainy on of the season, I’d forgotten about the dreaded condition of Turtle nipple. Please remind me how this can be avoided in future. Stevie, left back.

Prof. Felchmeister writes: the application of a small dab of Vaseline before the game, or wear a T-shirt under your jersey.

Dear Prof, the Turtles signed me up this season on account of me being the oldest new recruit available. I generally enjoy playing with them, but on Saturday I ran myself ragged and we still got thrashed. When I got home afterwards the dressing gown and slippers looked mightily attractive. Should I just flagged it away? Chris Lavis (rhymes with Davis, ok). Midfield.

Prof. Felchmeister writes: Picking the right time to retire has never been a Turtle strong point. More than half of the current squad are well past their use by date, but can't take a hint. In recorded history the only Turtle to retire before his time was CJ, and that was only after years of pleading from other players. Grind yourself into the ground until something gives, young man.