As expected by many media commentators, including the Cinematic Division of Jetplane Press, the press release in early April about Peter Jackson's next big project being a Wellington-based production of King Kong was nothing but an April Fools joke. Because on Friday, in a press conference held in a smoky back room of Zeebos, Mr Jackson announced what he really will be working on for the next 18 months. After gaining funding approval from Miramax, the highly acclaimed director of such epics as Bad Taste and Meet the Feebles has turned his attention to a subject guaranteed to extend his international reputation, and finally secure that elusive Oscar. "Turtles, the Movie", is set for release summer 2004/5.

"I've been a fan of the Fabulous Turtles ever since their early days with Wellington United. The football they play has always been of the most entertaining style, very much like the great Benfica side of the late fifties. As they slide into the obscurity of Masters, I think it timely that their story is brought to the world, before they shrivel up and die altogether", said the scruffy, smelly multi-millionaire.

Mr Jackson has been working on casting for sometime already, and has gathered together a glittering galaxy of gargantuan gigastars. Big names have been calling Mr Jackson at all hours of the night, hoping to boost their careers attached to the back of one of Mr Jackson's purple shirts, as they hang out the back of his $2 jeans. But that hasn't done any of them any favours, as there is a typo in Mr Jackson's phone number in the Wellington phone book. In a bizarre twist, the phone number in the book for Mr Jackson is actually that of the tea lady for Jetplane Press, Mrs Elspeth Limescale. We interviewed Mrs Limescale in the stairwell this morning.

"I had Brad Pitt talking dirty to me at 2:23 this morning, and then half an hour later Antonio Banderas called me a worthless pig whore", said the tired but excited looking grandmother of eight. "I woke up my Harold for a bit of rumpo, but the poor old codger can't manage it these days. Very frustrating, but perhaps you could help out, deary?" At that stage the interview was terminated as this reporter ran away quickly.

Mr Jackson, meanwhile, has confirmed that several big name stars have already been signed. And that his search for the perfect cast does not stop at ground level. "The physical appearance of my characters is crucial to gaining the acceptance of the audience, and I have therefore decided to cast a few dead actors. Using the latest in digitally enhanced movie-making techniques, snuffing it no longer means the end of an acting career", said Mr Jackson.

Not all the actors are dead though, and Wellington is still set to be flooded with plane-loads of wealthy stars. The restaurants around town are rubbing their hands in glee. Marcel Blamange, head chef of Icon, is predicting a bumper year - "stars like Marlon Brando and Robbie Coltrane are famous for eating like absolute pigs, so we'll have the troughs well and truly ready, brimming over with expensive swill".Location shoots in The Back-Bencher, The Bristol and The Fireman's Arms, and also at the Shorebird Motel in Napier, have already been lined up, and a full scale replica of the changing rooms at Ben Burn Park is being built in a field out the back of Ohariu Valley. Sources also reveal that there may also be some racy scenes shot in a well-known knocking shop in the central city, but at this stage it is not known which character or characters are featured in that sordid episode.

Some of the players are understandably a bit nervous about how they will come across on screen. Chris, who is to be played by Vincent Price in the movie, is worried that the dead actor will be able to accurately capture Chris's jolly nature whilst also bringing through his devious secret regarding Devonshire cattle. And Steve Langridge hopes that Jim Carrey has the dramatic width required for his complex character. No such fears for Spratty, who is quite sure that a dead Oliver Reed will get him just right - "Oliver was always a bit of an idle of mine, so it's an honour to have him play me".

On Saturday at Happy Valley, the first filming took place. Camera crews were hidden in the scrub surrounding the ground to capture action sequences, but the players were not made aware of their presence, in the hope that the performances of the players captured on camera would be as natural as possible. It seems probable that there had been some kind of leak though, as many of the Turtles had shaved, and some even looked to have washed their hair.

Even still, it was a rather motley crew that trudged out of the changing rooms. Missing were Daryl (to be played be Heath Ledger in the movie), Spratty (Oliver Reed), PJ (Ronnie Barker), Lance (Robbie Coltrane), Weasel (Tom Hanks), Lawrie (Dennis Franz), Sean (Jason Alexander) and Phildo (Joaquim Phoenix). With that lot missing, it was a concern as to where the goals were going to come from. An outbreak of SARS in Eastbourne had also taken out Steve L (Jim Carrey), and several others were carrying injuries. Drafted in was Brian (Graham Chapman), a mate of some-ones sister, and dug up from the past was Davey J (Rowan Atkinson). The defence was intact though, and, as with last week, it was hoped that solid defence would lay the groundwork for chances on the break. Telboy ( Brendan Fraser) and Si (Hugh Grant) also had the added comfort of the return of Dodge (Marlon Brando) to the bench. Although fit, Dodge was reluctant to take the field and risk injury due to next week being the Indoor Cricket World Cup (a huge event featuring teams from more than two countries). Assisting at fullback were PK (Mel Gibson) and Stevie H (David Caruso), and within minutes of the start these two were terrorised by the oppo no. 4.

Ostensibly playing at right half for Brooklyn, perhaps in an attempt to look less conspicuous, this guy was the stand-out player on the park, in the first half at least. Rumours had circulated that he was ex-first team from last year, and he certainly looked it, and also suspiciously young. He was quick and skilful, and PK and Stevie soon had problems. Most of the play came through the Brooklyn midfield, and they bustled our ball. GT (Jackie Chan) and Wal (Michael J Fox) up front were chasing earnestly, but we couldn't get enough ball to pressure going forward. Some of our best stuff actually came from the left, where Davey J was making some excellent long passes from memory. It was all looking like a bit of a struggle, and then along came Gordie (Ewan MacGregor).

The tartan tadger, recently defected to the Wanderers, had heard the plight of his former team and, despite having just played a full game, turned up to help out. Everything that had been said about him was taken back, at least for the day. Suddenly we had someone who could hold the ball up front and run at the opposition. Pity we were one-nil down already.

Their no.4 had got bored tormenting Stevie on our left, and popped up on PK's wing for a change. Some of his earlier runs had come to nought as his passes had been wasted by team-mates, so, after leaving Murray (Greg Kinnear) behind, and ghosting past PK, he himself finished over the advancing Snouter (John Candy). Shortly after that another oppo forward got clean through and it all looked bad until he tapped it feebly at Snout.

Then came Gordie, and shortly afterwards our first goal. A tackle by Davey J (yes, you heard that right) gave Stevie a bit of room up on the left, and he had ample time to look up and see Gordie heading for space. From just over halfway, with only one defender to beat, Gordie was always favourite. After out-muscling the defender, leaving him crumpled on the ground in his wake, Gordie tapped it wide of the keeper for a typical Scotch goal. The oppo, remembering Gordie’s four goals in our 5-4 win over them last year, grumbled and mumbled. Fortunately for them, that run for the goal knackered Gordie a bit, and he wasn't such a threat later on.

We were still under a lot of pressure at the back, especially when the no. 4 ran, but Si and Tel had now wrapped up the middle, and Snout was only really threatened by some long shots. With Gordie up front, we were able to get forward a little, mainly with Davey's long passes. Over the other side, Flash (John Cleese) was adding some nice passing to his defensive presence, and when he took a break Brian hustled and bustled to good effect. Shortly before half-time their no. 4 got around the back again, and measured a perfect cross to the near post, but the on-coming attacker somehow managed to head it over from close range.

At drinks the lads looked a bit bedraggled, not a good look for the cameras. As the light southerly was getting up, it was going to help Brooklyn in the second half. And as the temperature dropped, the hidden camera crews emerged from the bushes, packed up their gear, loaded their vans, and headed off for a soya decafe latte.If you can imagine, the second half was exactly like the first. Our goal was brilliant, theirs a mess. Davey J was really enjoying himself over on the left, and at about the ten minute mark, sent over one of his precise long passes to GT on the edge of the area. Showing skill that he doesn't have, GT had a couple of touches and seemed to have lost control, then, as two defenders converged on him, he hooked it between them to release Wal on the right. Our esteemed leader hit his shot with a wicked swarve, beating the oppo keeper on the near post. The oppo were, quite rightly, incredulous at being behind, and were urged on to give "110%" by their captain. Not sure how to do that, they started to play worse.

Stevie succumbed to age and came off, and we were down to only Dodge as a sub. Blobby (Jeff Goldblum) was on the sideline, but had wisely forgotten his boots. If it got bad, then Grunter (George Clooney) was the last resort. Gordie was by now down to a walk, and several others were struggling. To even things up, the oppo seemed to have run out of puff too, particularly the no. 4. For some reason he was given virtually no ball in the second half, and drifted around looking for friends. Murray and Chris in the middle were containing the midfield threats, and only the odd long shot came towards Snouter. And then IT happened.

Flash was at left back, and had a ball in behind to deal with. With two attackers pressuring, Flash gave it a tentative little prod back in the direction of the advancing Snouter. It seemed a clearance was possible, but a bobble (we'll be charitable) meant Snout only just knicked it, it then hit one of the attackers and dribbled into the corner of the unguarded goal. With about ten to go, Dodge went on heroically, as people were wilting badly. With about five to go, Davey delivered one last immaculate cross in to the oppo box, and it seemed like all Gordie had to do was get a head on it and it was the winner. But he just didn't have the energy. Or something.

As time ran out, Tel cramped up, Murray and Chris were spent, and several others were nearly finished, so the final whistle was a relief. It was hard work, and it is hoped that the upcoming film can depict the satisfied exhaustion that showed on the faces in the changing room.

Elton John, who has been commissioned to write an original song for the film, is expected to join the lads in the showers after a game later this year, to get a feeling for the raw emotions that can be on show after a Turtle game.