April
19th:
Turtles 0 (0) - Nth Wellington 4 (1)
by Murray "Snout" Coppersmith
Wal woke up with a start. The glow in the dark Thomas the Tank Engine clock
had the big hand on the 12 and the little hand on the 3. Wal did some mental
arithmetic and, aided by a quick check outside to see if it was dark, worked out
that it was after midnight. Although he had been in the job for a few years now,
he still wished that he had taken more notice of his agent when those corporate
head-hunters recruited him into the top job in sport – that of skipper of the
Fabulous Turtles FC.
His agent had warned him that the position was characterised by intense
pressure both on the field (with the responsibility of pre match team talks
under the scrutiny of the weekly match report writer) and off the field (with
the need to select the elite playing 15 from the slightly less than elite
squad). Sure the rewards were there – a life time supply of Sweet Naval Orange,
the ability to make Stevie look foolish by playing him up front, the part time
executive position selling monopoly software to third world governments with
Microsoft – but the sacrifices were significant. If only he had been paying
attention at the AGM when the elections were held. Having said that, the fourth
steak sandwich he went back to get at the time of the skipper election had been
the third best he’d had that day.
Now was one of those pressure situations that made the big bucks look meagre.
A range of inconvenient but predictable injuries had decimated the squad. Sure
it was a no brainer that Spratt would aggravate his existing groin problem as he
raced to the bar to get another round in before last orders at 5am, but who
would have thought that it would happen two days before the first game? The
injury list was exacerbated by the growing Turtle affluence as many Turts took
the opportunity of the adjacent long weekends to jet off to warmer climes for a
few rays and an extended DW. It would have been easier to transfer the match to
the Nadi International Stadium.
The pressure was affecting Wal’s sleep. He was up to Plan Z, which involved 5
run on spots for members of James’ Onslow Dragons Under 10 side. They might be a
little lighter than the average Turt but their skill level is on a par and,
after all, they did beat the North Wellington Barbies 5 – 4 last week. Wal reset
his alarm for 5am. He had an early start if he was to get to Ben Burn before
halftime in the curtain raiser. Maybe he could talk a few of the players from
the early game into a guest appearance for the FTFC. He drifted back off to
sleep visualising himself nodding the perfect cross into the corner of the net.
It was now 2pm on game day. The teamsheet still had plenty of gaps and Wal
cursed himself for potentially making the situation worse. GT had the misfortune
of being the seventh person to ask Wal how many players we had. Still, GT was
made of tough stuff and, after all, he already had enough offspring so maybe the
injury wouldn’t stop him playing.
Wal needn’t have worried. The overnight rain had softened the ground and the
return to the spiritual home of the Turtle football for the first time this
season had brought out old and injured turtles to ensure that a team was
fielded. There were also a few new pretenders keen to wear the Turtle colours.
These included the promisingly named Roberto of Italian origin and three fit
looking players from the 12:30 game. Phildo was back from his Fijian training
camp, Boy had agreed to make a guest appearance and Lawrie was returning from
his career threatening knee injury (the self surgery to replace his left kneecap
after the practice match had worked wonders). All in all things had worked out
pretty well – a squad of 16 on the day. Perhaps this skipper pressure wasn’t so
bad after all.
It is one thing to field 11 warm or nearly warm bodies. It is quite another
to supplement that requirement with a modicum of footballing skill. This
requirement was particularly important since our opponents were North
Wellington, the habitual winners of Masters grades. What they lack in an ability
to write interesting match reports and craft other than mind numbingly boring
websites, they make up for in footballing skill.
Things started well when Wal won the toss for the third game in a row. This
provided an opportunity to implement our winningest strategy. Play with the
strong wind in the first half which, due to a time keeping error by our ref,
would last for 65 minutes, followed by a 10 minute second half. This, after all,
was the approach adopted by North Welly in our last game last season.
Unfortunately Dodger, who was having another week off playing as he prepared
himself for the ordeal of playing indoor cricket for the NZ geriatric team the
following week, volunteered to be ref. In retrospect it was obvious that the
power would go to his head and he quickly forgot the pre match plan to turn in a
performance of Paul Honiss / Steve Walsh proportions (accurate time keeping,
throw not from the correct spot, etc).
Once the game started it quickly became apparent that the wind wasn’t going
to be enough. The three fit looking players from the early game proved that
looks could indeed be deceiving. After a brief 10 minute spell Wal quite
sensibly let them know that we had enough players and they were no longer
required. While the remaining players still numbered more than 11, they didn’t
quite fit the positions required. Apart from Telboy the usual back four were
AWOL. The newly recruited Flash was placed in the central defence (a risky move
given his gift goal to the oppo last week), with GT at right back and Lawrie
pretending to protect the left hand side. North Wellys first goal came after
about 10 minutes when a cross from the right found an unmarked player on the far
post. One nil. The rest of the half was spent pretty much on defence as the
Turtles adopted a siege policy to protect our 1-0 deficit. There was a lot of
tackling in the midfield by Murray, Chris, Phildo and the promising looking
Roberto. Wal was saving himself for the second half and only came on with 10
minutes to go. When Dodger blew for half time we were pretty happy to be only 1
goal down, thanks to some solid defence and a few good saves at the back.
The half time advice from our Italian import was that we should hold the ball
at feet a bit longer. That shouldn’t have been a problem as there was never
anyone to pass to. The second half started and continued in much the same vein
as the first as North Welly swept onto attack. Despite some great defending the
pressure ultimately told and the second goal came after about 15 minutes when an
opposition midfielder latched onto a clearance from the 10th corner
of the half and belted a dipping volley just under the bar from the edge of the
area. Fair enough we all thought. Two nil.
The last two goals also came from corners as the aerial advantage of the
North Welly players started to tell over our stunted defence. The third was a
glancing header in the far corner and the last a looping header also into the
far corner from an attacker positioned at the far post. Amongst the carnage
there was some good defending and the odd memorable save from Snout. We also had
a golden opportunity to score following a flowing move up field when, after
about 20 touches, Wal received a perfect cross on the far post which gave him
the opportunity to live his dream from the night before. His header beat the
keeper bit didn’t have the power to beat the defender following up who cleared
it off the line. If only he’d had a good night’s sleep.
Well there we go – a comprehensive 4 nil loss. Not a great Turtle performance
but no real clangers in the match. After a lengthy debate, we decided to award
Davey J the Tit of the Day prize to put him into the elite few who have scored
the coveted award in games they didn’t play. Some habits die hard.
We look forward to he return of some regular players next week.
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