The sun breaks through the clouds, shining brightly on the harbour. The day shows promise. Cold, certainly, but cheering nonetheless.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, an important event is about to take place. The packed auditorium at the annual Microsoft convention in New Orleans buzzes with anticipation. Slowly the noise diminishes as Phil Schlong, Senior Vice President in charge of Soft Porn, takes the microphone.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he intoned, "this is the moment you have all been waiting for. The world authority on our signature system, Jack-off 8.0, is about to take you through this version’s exciting new features. This product is absolutely critical to ensure the overall positioning of Microsoft as a market leader. So, without further ado, I give you… Wal from Wellington!"

A diminutive figure bounds on to the stage and grabs the microphone. "Thank you, Schlongey. Welcome all to the presentation on Jack-off 8.0," Wal commands instant attention from the audience. "We’re very excited about this, erm, release. Given the problems we experienced with Jack-off 7.0, there is already one key difference you should immediately notice: this one actually works. We confidently predict Jack-off 8.0 will take a firm grip on the market and increase our pulling power. It will provide stiff competition for our competitors, of whom we have none anyway."

Wal continues, "The plan today was to spout off about Jack-off 8.0 in some detail, but, well, she was a bit of a late one last night. Zero preparation, could happen to anyone. Instead, I thought I would talk about the Fabulous Turtles’ match against Waterside Karori in Masters 1 on Saturday."

"It was cold in Wellington last week, my friends. Most of the Turtles were huddled under blankets, praying for the cancellation to come through. It didn’t, so we all congregated at Ben Burn for the 2:30 kick-off. The weather was too much for our Italians, who decided Anywhere Else was a better place to be. At least they didn’t change sides, eh? Oh well, tough crowd. Dodger failed to show as well. Ah, I see by your nodding you remember Dodger from my presentation two years ago on Jack-off 6.0. He preferred to sleep off a hangover rather than help his team. At least Pieman and Tel had reasonable excuses for their absences – both became first-time fathers during the week."

"Thank you. It’s an exciting time for the proud parents. Anyway, confusion reigned early in this local derby. Both sides wear the same strip and the away strip wasn’t forthcoming from the Karori clubrooms. The opposition eventually agreed to wear an assortment of tee shirts, jerseys and singlets to differentiate themselves from the Turts. This unsettled them early, and this quickly manifested itself at the toss. They won it, and gave away a strong southerly wind.

"We quickly went on the offensive, and enjoyed a territorial advantage for most of the half. Our cause was helped by the non-appearance of an oppo Very Good Player who scored two goals against us in the first round. Twenty minutes in to the game, another Very Good Player aggravated an old injury, further assisting our cause. Meanwhile, we were stringing some nice moves together. Our passing was unusually accurate, creating numerous early chances. One such pass from the right came my way. I hit it beautifully, but Dave Mole, the ex first-team keeper, saved brilliantly. A short time later I was denied again from a delicate Muz pass. The half-chance missed narrowly. It was almost third time lucky when a clearance from Snouter fell my way. I smashed it first time off the left bootie, but again the keeper saved superbly. Eventually the pressure told. A flowing move through the midfield saw a pass from Chris send Phildo away on the right. His early cross found Frankie on the edge of the box, who controlled it and smashed it over the advancing keeper. A magnificent goal, and a 1-0 lead.

"Yes, the defining moment. The crowd went wild with excitement – she immediately activated the burglar alarm in PK’s car. The remainder of the half passed without incident. My half-time pep talk was inspirational as usual. It was Phildo’s 200^th game, and I implored the lads to ‘do it for Phildo’. The Gods were smiling on us; of that there was no doubt. Frankie was having a blinder up front (a deserving MoM). Big Si’s wife Kylie was nearly a week overdue, and the phone behind Snouter’s goal could have started ringing at any time. Until Snouter turned it off, that is."

"Hey, iron my shirt, girls. This is Masters 1 soccer I’m talking about here."

"Thanks, Donaldo. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the oppo were clearly having an off-day, and things got worse for them when the wind began to ease in the second half. They lifted the tempo, but every shot was a long-range effort, only one of which tested Snouter. GT adapted to centre back superbly, helping Snouter to keep his knees clean. We played a bit of siege football, but still looked dangerous on attack. We created the two best chances, with Frankie passing to an unmarked yours truly on the right. Denied again by the keeper! I then laid an assist to Zil on a plate, but the shot glanced off his boot well wide. With a result on, the crowd doubled, and then briefly trebled, before disappearing altogether. We held on with a degree of comfort – 1-0 to the Turtles!"

Wal looked at his watch, and raised his hand for silence. Eventually the din subsided. "Folks, its just gone noon. I suggest we adjourn to Pat O’Briens for a few hurricanes, buy a few beads and make the most of what little time we have left today. If you’re lucky, Donaldo can show you the bar where Zil spanked him in darts back in ’93, followed by the club where they watched some chick-on-chick naked wrestling. Which reminds me – I have some new stories about Pippi to pass on…"

Meanwhile, back in Wellington, the sun silhouettes the sleepy island as night falls over
Kapiti.