Grant Nisbett: Welcome everyone to our match of the day live commentary. This is the top of the table clash in Masters Division Two between the Fabulous Turtles FC and Brooklyn Northern United, being played at lovely Ben Burn Park. 

Murray Mexted joins me in the commentary team today, with sideline comments provided by Ian Smith.

Murray Mexted: Marvelous to be here at the Riviera of the South, Nisbo.

GN: Welcome too, to our friends in Australia watching on Fox Sports, in the UK through B Sky B, South Africa via MNET Supersport, all through Asia on Star Sports and North America through ESPN.  You've joined us as the two teams take the field...

Ian Smith:  Some big changes in the Turtles lineup today, Nisbo.  Injuries, illnesses and unavailabilities have decimated the defensive line.  Management has kept quiet all week about who will fill those vital roles, but I suspect GT, the ragin’ Asian, will see some action there today.  That seems a little harsh for a player who scored a hat trick last week.  And don’t be surprised if Chris Lavis (rhymes with Davis) gets some serious game time at sweeper.
MM:  I’ll try not to be.  Where are those missing defenders, Smithy?

IS:  I understand Telboy is playing lead bouzouki at a relative’s big fat Greek wedding.  Big Si is recovering from breast-reduction surgery.  Rat-a-Deux Hambleton has the sniffles, and Roger ‘The Dodger’ Kinsella bloused off to Australia on holiday. 

MM:  Roger, eh?  One of my favourite words.  Reminds me of this barmaid I was with last night.  Boy, did I give her a good…

GN:  Sorry to interrupt, Murray, but BNU just kicked off.  I see the new signing Chris is partnering the other Chris in central defence.  That should confuse the viewers.

MM: Hey look, Nisbo - that player with a Shirley Temple hairdo has just kicked that round thing into that stringy thing.

GN: Yes Murray, BNU have scored an early goal.  A marvelous through-ball saw their striker take the ball at pace and finish nicely past a diving Snouter.

MM:  What’s a striker?

GN:  A forward, Murray.

MM: Am I missing something here, Nisbo?  A forward scoring a goal?

GN:  In soccer the forwards are meant to score the goals and the backs defend the goals.  The midfield likes to pretend they can do both.

MM:  Whoa, my head hurts just thinking about that one.  If the forwards score the goals, then how come props seem to be littered all over the park?  Especially that guy in the funny jersey.

GN:  Possibly some form of affirmative action programme, Murray.

MM:  Highly successful, I’d say.  One might say too successful.

GN:  Turtles kick off… lots of aimless kicking this way and that… Muzza penetrates up the middle…

MM:  Like it, Nisbo.  I’ve been pumping that boy for a while now.

GN:  A shot from 75 metres by the new Chris. BNU back in possession.  They launch an attack down the right, switch it left, right again, then up the middle… terrific stuff… 

MM:  Seven phases.

GN:  …the ball rebounds out from the Turtles box…

MM:  <Chortle>

GN:  A shot from BNU, GOAL, a marvelous strike from a long way out.

MM: This is what the crowds have come to see.  You can feel the psychic
energy all around.

GN:  More commentary straight from the lowest intelligence decile.

MM: Thanks Nisbo.

GN: You deserve it Murray.

MM: Thanks again, what a gentleman.

GN:  Referee Hambleton signals the re-start from halfway.  Smithy, this man Hambleton has me intrigued.  He retired earlier this year, claiming that damp rot had eroded most of his soccer skills.  Yet here he is again, this time in a referee uniform.

IS:  Isn’t Hambleton off shortly to trial with overseas teams for six weeks?

GN: He wants to display his wares in the great European cities - London, Milan, Edinburgh, and Dublin. 

MM:  Do they play this game over there too Nisbo?

GN:  Soccer?

MM:  Yeah, this game, whatever it's called.

GN:  They have been known to have the odd kick around Murray.

MM:  Is it popular?

GN:  A little.

MM:  Do they have good teams?

GN:  Some places do, even Scotland has a couple of decent teams.  Of course there are no Scots playing in those teams.

MM:  I played rugby with a Scott once.

GN:  Would that be Andy Irvine, the famous Scottish and Lions fullback?

MM:  No Scott Brown, he played blindside for Tawa.

GN:  Good lord, BNU have just scored again.  A feeble punch from Snouter dropped nicely to a BNU little person.  He put it away easily.  The Turtles are reeling here, being outplayed right across the park.  They’ll be looking to regroup over some nice SNO at the break, and as I speak, there goes the halftime whistle.  We’ll be right back.

GN:  Welcome back to Ben Burn Park.  Take us through the 1^st half statistics, Murray.

MM: Well Nisbo, as you can see BNU dominated possession and territory, particularly time in the opposition 22.  That line isn’t marked on the field, but I’m guessing it starts at about that tree over there.  The Turtles turned the ball over 64 times to BNU’s 51.  I don’t think either side would be happy with that statistic.  Throw-ins were a mess, with both teams coughing up possession regularly on their own throw.  The most telling statistic for me was rucks and mauls, which currently stands at nil-all.  I feel the first team to notch one up here could break the game wide open.

GN: Thanks Murray.  Smithy, what did the teams say at half-time?

IS:  Well, the BNU players are feeling well-pleased with themselves.  The manager has already handed out the chocolate fish and the win bonuses.  He felt there wasn’t enough complaining to the referee, but overall was ecstatic with the performance.  The Turtles management seemed quite relaxed about the current scoreline.  The manager, Grunt “The Boss”, was reading his newspaper.  Captain Snout felt the SNO was particularly good today, but wasn’t fussed about the weather.  He was toying with a ‘backs swap with forwards’ reshuffle, and hoped to make a decision by kick-off.

GN:  Too late, Smithy, the game has re-started.  The Turtles are facing the northerly this half.  They go on attack, lovely passing there.  Phildo in possession, he SHOOTS… throw-in.

MM: You can't score in the corner in this game can you Nisbo?

GN: I’m sure PK would like to, but no, you can't score in the corner, but you can score FROM a corner.  You have to score in the goal. 

MM: Ouch.  My brain hurts just thinking about that one too.

GN: The Turtles go back on attack, probing down the right…

MM: Probing – another one of my favourite words.  Give me a minute and I’ll use it in a sentence full of smutty innuendo…

GN:  … Gordie, their in-form striker, looking for space on the right… crosses beautifully… GOAL!  Zil stabs it home from close range.  The Turtles finally on the board.
IS:  More interchange off the subs bench, Nisbo.  Wal trudges off, replaced by new boy Tim.  The blonde striker back on for BNU – why was he off?

GN: The ball goes out, and Pieman takes the throw.

MM: Not straight, ref!  That was appalling refereeing from Hambleton there.  You might think I’m being pedantic, Nisbo, but policing the throw-ins is not rocket science.  Paddy O’Brien doesn’t agree, but I think the replay vindicates my criticism.  Look!  He threw it along the touchline!

GN:  Point noted, Murray.  Meanwhile, the ball is played in to Gordie.  BNU appeals for offside.  Gordie turns, runs and shoots… GOAL!  Excellent finish from the man who eats custard squares at halftime, with that bout of anorexia well and truly beaten, I would say.  BNU players still complaining to the ref, but replays clearly show Gordie was onside.  And that included his belly. 

IS:  Time is running out for the Turtles.  Time to chance their arms and push players forward.

MM:  I would put the ball into the corner and try and rumble over from the lineout.  They need a seven-pointer here.

IS:  Er, right, Murray.  Turtles are clearly dominating the game now.  BNU are tiring fast, and some of their substitutions can only be described as questionable.

GN:  BNU make a rare foray into Turtles territory.  The defence has been caught out here, with their blonde striker bearing down on goal with just the keeper to beat… SAVED!  A magnificent diving save from Captain Snout.

MM:  That’s why they get the big bucks, I guess.

GN:  Absolutely, Murray.  The corner is cleared comfortably, and the Turts swing back on attack.  The ball goes right… Glenn W lays it off for PK… his big chance… over the bar!  71 games without a goal and when will the drought end?

MM:  Not in my lifetime, I imagine.

GN:  Turtles still attacking.  Zil passes to PK, who sends Zil away on the right… the cross is delivered… HAND BALL!  But wait… referee Hambleton waves play on!  A shocking miss from the ref.

MM:  The replay shows the BNU defender catching the ball in both hands, running a short distance with the ball under his right arm, and then drop-kicking it downfield.  I’m not an expert at this game Nisbo, but I feel that BNU was slightly lucky to get away with that one.

IS:  The Turtles are clearly unhappy with that call, but let’s face it: what were their chances of converting the penalty anyway?

GN:  This game isn’t over by a long shot.  Turtles on the attack again… a melee in the goalmouth… Glenn W shoots fiercely, it rebounds off two, three, four defenders… it falls to Gordie who shoots… and SCORES!  Does that count as an assist, Smithy?

IS:  No, but I’m sure Glenn will claim it regardless.

GN:  BNU heads are down; this game is slipping away from them.  The Turtles are piling the pressure on.  They gain possession.  The ball goes right, played through to Chris Lavis (rhymes with Davis)… looking dangerous… Lavis crosses… Glenn W shoots… GOAL!  Pretty to watch!  What does that make the score, Murray?

MM:  Absolutely no idea, although plenty of excitement on display from the Turtles.  I’m half tempted to join in.

GN:  Score, Smithy?

IS:  No idea, and don’t care.  I’m on the next plane to the UK anyway.

GN:  Well, it’s game over here.  We’re going to declare the Turtles 4-3 winners over BNU, which coincidentally maximizes the TAB’s return on this match.  My boss will be pleased.

MM:  Man of the Match has to go Glenn W, who smashed it up the middle all day.

GN:  That just about wraps it up here at Ben Burn.  An exciting victory to the Turtles over a very good BNU side.

MM:  I was an All Black once.

GN:  We cross now to TJ and Drakey who are covering the other big game in Masters Two between Miramar and Eastbourne at Miramar 2.  Over to you, TJ…