June 26th:
Turtles 5 (3) - Stop Out Black 3 (1)
By "Big Si" Law
Salvation!!!!!!!(ish)
ROCK BOTTOM…..That’s
where Grunter found himself. Lying prone on the floor of his poorly heated
mansion in the Scottish lowlands , barely able to drag his hung-over alcohol
ravaged body to the door to stop whoever it was that was pounding away on it’s
exterior. Or was the pounding just in his head he wondered as he surveyed the
empty single malt bottles strewn on the floor amidst the empty wrappings of some
of the best fish and chips that he had ever tasted.
Well….everything tastes pretty good after the 3rd bottle of Tallisker.
But no , the beat of the pounding changed and Grunters white mans brain had no
rhythm like that so he wearily opened the door. He’s had no visitors since his
return from Wellington (except for the 3 contractors he’d had working on the
beginnings of the theme park) and his nearest neighbour was 15 miles away so he
was curious as to who it might be. In the instant that he saw the furry ginger
halo that silhouetted his visitor he knew it had to be “Rat-a-deux” – Steve
Hambleton.
Most Turts thought Stevie was on a 6 week jaunt to Ireland to visit his charming
(ie slightly intoxicated) in-laws. But in reality he had been sent on a mission
by Snouter (able bodied custodian of the Turtle goal and inspiring leader with
a 12-0 record as captain) to find his brother and bring him home. As soon as
Snout had found the Turtle bucket abandoned on his front door step 2 weeks
earlier without even a note he had known something was seriously wrong. And
hence Stevie was sent as the most trustworthy of the Turts on this most
important of task.
The sad story didn’t take long to pour out of Grunter. He was weak from a lack
of sustenance , an over indulgence in alcohol , and the fact that he hadn’t seen
the inside of a gym in over a decade…and the truth be known he found quiet
comfort in the presence of the ginger one. The sad tale of returning to Scotland
with such high hopes for his amusement park and then his plummeting back to
earth as every one of his loan applications had been rejected by the various
banks and investment firms that he approached spilled forth. What a fool he had
been to think that a theme park based on ageing “has been” and ageing “never
were” Turtles, (who only one person in Scotland had ever heard of - and he was a
particularly unstable chap who chose to eek out his existence living on an oil
rig), would be a success. The mounting rejection had added to his financial
despair, the sense of guilt that he harboured for leaving the Turtles in the
lurch and of course the yearning he had to see his family again. So he had
turned to the bottle, and what better companion when in Scotland than a case or
two of fine single malt whisky. He had quickly lost track of time, reality and
normal bodily function so hard had he hit the bottle. When Stevie had shown up
on his doorstep it had only been 10 days since his return from Wellington but
for all intents and purposes it could well have been 10 years, such was the
disintegration of his body, soul and spirit.
A good shower, shave and a few lovely pots of tea later and Grunter was almost
feeling like his old self. Stevie managed to convince Grunter that his whole
escapade could be written off as a scouting trip to try and replace Gordie when
he turned pro and went on the USPGA Tour .As long as he had kept the receipts it
would all be written off as a legitimate business expense and all would be
forgiven.
Fast forward 24 hours and Grunters flight landed just in time for him to nip
home to pick up his son and still be just in time for kick off. The flight home
and 24 hours of sobriety had given Grunter a fresh outlook on life, a second
chance if you will, and he was determined to grasp it with both hands. The gusty
Northerly and cold rain that shrouded Wilton Park was greeted with glee instead
of dread as it gave him an excuse to don his favourite gumboots. He wasn’t even
concerned that the Turts only had 7 players on the pitch minutes before kick-off
– water off a ducks back. And when Snouter decided to start with 10 and a sub
rather than all 11 on the park a quiet chuckle emanated from Grunters throat.
The Turts were missing a few of their regulars – no Chris Lavis (rhymes with
Davis) , Stevie was still in Scotland winding up Grunters affairs , and the
Langridge brothers had opted for a weekend commune on a kibbutz in the Central
Hawkes Bay. Still, the Turts had the wind and were putting some nice moves
together and after about 10 mins Wal sent over a perfect cross which Gordie met
with an equally adept header 1-0. The oppo had a few useful players in the
middle of the park but Tel (playing at left back), GT and Dodge seemed to manage
anything that they threw at the Turtles. After about 15 mins Snout punted the
ball down field for Gordie to run on to and finish clinically. 2-0 and Grunter
knew that he had made the right decision to return. He was, however, less than
impressed to see the Turtles turn down a penalty awarded to them by the
opposition referee (always take the points when they’re on offer) but the spring
returned to his lope after another 5 mins when some good work down the right by
PK and Wal resulted in one of the Stop Out defenders turning the ball into his
own net. 3-0. Muzz and Glenn Wilkinson were doing some good work in the middle
as the Turts pressed forward at every opportunity, but the opposition weren’t
about to roll over. Grunter was very relieved to see a goal bound shot from
Dodger blocked by one of the Stop Out players with about 10 to go before
half-time – thank Christ for that he muttered and all on the sideline agreed
with him.
“That’s CRAP” yelled Grunter as Big Si put a lovely ball about 15 yards
too far in front of Zil and a warm feeling came over him as everyone on the
sideline agreed with that comment as well. Big Si than placed a header against
the cross bar , Wal hit one wide from a difficult angle after beating the keeper
and Gordie peppered the goal with numerous shots , but all to no avail. It was
left to Stop Out to have the final say of the half with a well taken goal down
the left side of the Turtle defence. Half-Time – Grunters moment in the
spotlight, and time for SNO to make its 100th odd appearance. Turning
into the wind and Dodger dashing off for a quick one in the showers (by himself)
before a spot of indoor cricket, the Turts were still confident of things going
their way.
Gordie finished his hat trick from a free kick taken by Oscar to extend the lead
back to 3 and promptly made the most of Dodger still being in the showers by
jogging to the sideline and asking Trudy to help him massage his slightly
strained groin. At this point the wheels started to wobble a bit as PK went down
in a screaming heap with “cramp” that will hopefully only keep him out for a
couple of weeks , but Grunter refused to leave his position on the sideline to
administer any attention. He laughed so hard when someone suggested that he take
out a shotgun instead of a bucket that he lost momentary control of his bladder
– luckily he had a long jacket on. The oppo continued to press forward and
despite the valiant efforts of both Wilkinsons, Muzza, Wal and Oscar in the
middle some gaps started to open up. A very well struck shot from outside the
area which Snout didn’t dive for because “it was low and going in the corner”
bought the score back to 4-2. Wal then bounced a corner in off Gordies head (his
4th) to extend the lead back to 3. That’s when things really turned
pear shaped for the Turts as Tel had to leave the field to have his knee and hip
joints lubed and oiled , leaving us with 10 men for the last 15 mins. Stop Out
kept pouring forward as the Turts lapsed back into the siege football that
Grunter had seen so many times over the years – he chuckled at the memories –
nothing could get him down today. Juan Pablo Montoya who was on the left wing
for Stop Out then pinged one in off the far post before, mercifully it was time
for the game to end.
A 5-3 win – Grunter was a satisfied man. A Turtle win, the bucket back in his
hand, the Wellington wind blowing in his hair and his son by his side. It just
doesn’t get any better than this he thought.
The only downer on his joyous mood was the nagging worry in the back of his mind
about how Stevie would be handling the 3 Falkirk construction workers back in
Scotland…He had been very drunk when he told them to stick their invoice up
their arse….surely they would understand ….
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