July 3rd:
Turtles 6 (2) - Brooklyn Northern United 4 (2)
By Roger "Dodge" Kinsella
tit:
1. any of various small birds, especially a titmouse.
2. a teat; a breast.
3. the Turtles player producing the most impressive stuff-up
each week.
The history of the Turtles weekly tit of the day statistic is a
long and checkered one dating back to 1986. There have been many recipients of
this award, most well deserved, but some exceedingly harshly treated, at least
in the totally unbiased eyes of this viewer. Some past recipients have been just
begging for it, most notably Davey J., an absolute prize tit if ever there was
one. Other winners have been voted tit far fewer times than would reasonably
have been expected, a prime example of this being Rat-a-deux, who would
undoubtedly have picked up a further 18 such awards if this stat had actually
existed during his debut season as conceivably the team's most incompetent
goalkeeper in history. Then there are others who, for reasons that totally
escape me, tend to receive this award by default when no other obvious
candidates can be found. The likes of Dodge and Spratty fall into this category.
And finally, premature retirement has enabled some absolute buffoons to avoid
risking their career total of tit awards completely blowing out. I'm sure Bobby
could hazard a guess as to who I'm referring to here.
Anyway, being awarded tit of the day is something that all Turtles will try to
avoid at any costs. The recommended way of avoiding this, of course, is to put
on a perfect error free display during the game, but as there is no likelihood
of that ever happening, other measures will need to be taken. Assuming that any
Turtle is at some stage going to perpetrate a horrendous blunder on the field
during any given game, the following steps are accepted (but not guaranteed)
methods of trying to avoid being awarded tit:
-
immediately look innocent
-
immediately perform some sort of spectacular recovery action
-
immediately go down injured
-
wait until someone else stuffs up (it shouldn't take long) and
then wander past your teammates muttering, "Well, that's tit sewn up then."
-
nominate someone else during the vote
- railroad the vote
-
G.T. picked up his feather duster and walked into his living room
to perform his weekly dusting ritual. He stopped in front of his mantlepiece. An
inscrutable Oriental smile crossed his face as he surveyed the collection of
small plastic trophies, each one emblazoned with the legend "Turtles' Best
Player Of Asian Extraction" with the year engraved underneath. Then he frowned,
as he always did, on noticing the two gaps in the long line of trophies. There
was a small gap for 1998, when Nasim Ali, a colleague of Tel's, had turned up
and slotted eight goals in 11 appearances; then a larger gap for 2000 and 2001,
when both awards had gone to an obscure Burmese kickboxing chef named
Livingstone Saw, who had done even better than Naz with 24 sublime goals in 25
games.
G.T. grimaced as he dusted those two gaps. His letters to the Department of
Immigration detailing visa irregularities against both Naz and Livi, with Livi's
mate Pailly Phouphayly (a paltry 13 goals in 18 games) thrown in for good
measure, had finally been acknowledged, and he was quietly confident that their
imminent deportation would give him good grounds for having those awards
overturned on a technicality and rightfully restored to him, thus filling in the
gaps on his mantlepiece which he'd maintained in anticipation of such an event.
The obvious existing injustice was one of the two main inspirations behind each
and every one of his on-field performances these days.
His other main inspiration was a well-founded fear of being voted tit. Only all
too well aware of his technical deficiencies in comparison to many of his more
proficient teammates, G.T. knew that his chances of avoiding a tit nomination
were largely dependent on using his superior fitness to put himself about the
field in a productive manner while trying to avoid committing some of the more
characteristic errors in his game, such as the all too regular airballs, or his
occasional embarrassing tendency to stand on the ball and fall over in a heap.
G.T. shuddered just thinking about it. He pulled himself back together with the
realisation that today was the occasion of his 150th game for the Turtles and
there was just no way he wanted to mar the memory of the milestone with a tit
winning performance.
With team numbers decimated due to numerous defections and
injuries, those members of the Turtles squad still standing fronted up at Happy
Valley Park in anticipation of a tough encounter against a Brooklyn side that
had given us a bit of a run around in the first round encounter at Ben Burn. A
0-3 halftime deficit on that occasion had been overhauled in the second spell,
with two extremely late goals giving the Turts an unlikely 4-3 victory which had
reportedly left the opposition completely gutted. But the latest absences meant
that prospects of a repeat win looked even gloomier this time around. It took
two mates of Gordie's, Nathan and Trevor, to get the starting squad up to 12,
while Bruce, a workmate of Dodge's, was expected to arrive during the first half
after playing an earlier game, with Tel due at halftime, for reasons of lateness
still not satisfactorily explained.
The lads began warming up in the cold overcast conditions between pitches as the
early game dragged on to its conclusion. After half an hour of this, someone
discovered that the early game had started well overdue thanks to the tardy
appearance of the away team after a ground transfer. Eventually the Turts made
their way onto the expanse of soggy dung that masqueraded as a pitch and
prepared to kick off. After a subsequent five minute bureaucratic delay caused
by the nets belonging to the away team in the early game having to be replaced
by some BNU nets, the match eventually got underway.
The game immediately began at a frenetic pace. Both sides were playing some good
stuff through the midfield, despite the heavy underfoot conditions, and
opportunities were being created at both ends. It was tough going for both
defences, with the thick mud making it difficult to turn and chase any balls
played behind the respective backlines. After five minutes the Turtles won a
corner. The resulting defensive header fell to
Wilkinson the Younger outside the
area, and from all of 25 yards he blasted a screamer of a volley over the crowd
of players and past the unsighted goalie. A brilliant strike which thoroughly
reinforced his claim to be recognised as the more talented Wilkinson brother and
it was 1-0 to us.
This goal gave the lads some extra confidence and we dominated proceedings for
the next ten minutes without managing to increase our lead. Then some interplay
on our left saw the BNU right wing confronting Boy on the goal line. Although
Boy had the chance to get a foot in and clear for a corner, he decided against
it for reasons known only to him and seconds later their winger had waltzed
round the leaden-footed clod. Snout managed to parry the resulting shot but the
ball fell nicely to one of their forwards for a tap in and it was 1-1. Boy
studiously looked the other way as the inevitable recriminations broke out.
Our lead was restored not long after though, when Wal knocked over a lovely
corner which saw Chris Lavis (rhymes with…) rise unmarked and nod powerfully
home off the back of his head. Could the Turtles manage to hang on to the lead
this time? Not bloody likely, as BNU's right wing found himself in exactly the
same position as before, this time confronted by G.T. The outcome was equally
incompetent from us and equally decisive from them, with the resulting cross
being comfortably tucked away, despite a desperate last ditch challenge by Big
Si. G.T. did his best to deflect a potential tit candidacy by maintaining an
inscrutable stare.
Dodge's mate Bruce had by this stage made an appearance, and immediately
inspired thoughts of a Turtle potentially earning his first tit before actually
playing his first game, as he hobbled towards the pitch lamenting a twinged
hammy suffered during his 12.30 game. He actually made it onto the field for
about three minutes but could make little impact and was soon hauled off to
languish on the sideline for the remainder of the game next to the equally
decrepit looking Grunter and P.K.
2-2 and still the chances continued to be created at both ends. Nathan made a
good run down the right before firing narrowly wide, Trevor broke through the
middle before unleashing a shot straight at the keeper, and then from another
corner Dodge smashed a clearance back a yard wide of the right post. At the
other end, Dodge completely failed to cut out a through ball and the oppo's
tricky number 8 was away, but Dodge got back to make a desperate challenge which
delayed the shot long enough for Snout to get across and tip the ball over the
bar. G.T. wandered up to Dodge and remarked on the incompetence of the initial
error, but the seasoned campaigner was wise to this ploy and responded by
commenting on his great recovery which had helped prevent a goal. There was
still time for Boy to somehow get into a shooting position on the right hand
edge of the box, but as one would expect, the resulting effort ballooned a good
10 metres over the top and wide of the goal.
Halftime arrived with the game in the balance, and the discovery of Grunter's
latest offering, Berry Crush, did little to raise team morale. Dodge came off
for a breather and Tel now came on to add a bit of steel to the defence. Ten
minutes of Tel's steely defence later and we were 2-4 down. A half cleared
corner saw BNU's number 8 latch on to the loose ball and drive a shot beneath
Snout's body, never an easy thing to achieve at the best of times. And shortly
afterwards, a great through ball saw the same player away on the right and
bearing down on goal. With Snout advancing all of zero yards off his line to cut
down the angle, the result was inevitable.
Then occurred one of those incredibly rare moments, coming round about as often
as Halley's Comet. A lofted ball out of the Brooklyn defence sailed over the
halfway line where an unchallenged Tel lined up the straightforward header.
Spectators stared, mouths agape, as the goateed gay boy completely misjudged it,
not even managing to get a backward glance on the ball. It was, in fact, all
air. A definite candidate for tit, with a barely noticeable clutch at the left
hammy completely giving the game away. Not long after that, BNU created yet
another opening, but Snout produced a superb full length diving save to palm the
powerful shot round his right upright. We were still in the game but only just.
Now came the match defining moment, as Wal subbed himself off and
Dodge rolled back on. The opposition were completely thrown by this manoeuvre as
they spent the rest of the game trying to fathom the thinking of a team two
goals down bringing on a central defender to replace an attacking midfielder.
Taking advantage of this mental disarray, the Turts pushed forward and produced
instant results. Firstly, a badly hit goal kick rebounded forward off Nathan and
Gordie latched onto the ball, swivelling to pull a shot across the face of the
goal. The mud-bound keeper spectacularly failed to deal with this effort and it
was 3-4. Almost instantly, we were back on the attack. A raid into the BNU area
finished with G.T. shooting at the keeper, then hooking the rebound wide of him
into the right side netting. 4-4, and the momentum was definitely all with us.
Collecting the kick-off, we immediately surged upfield and earned a free kick
near the Brooklyn box. Big Si drove the ball into the crowd of players in front
of him and the ball broke for Gordie, who toed a shot goalwards. The ball rolled
a yard to the side of the oppo keeper, who somehow managed to fall over in the
mud and miss it completely as it dribbled slowly into the net. 5-4 thanks to a
shocking piece of incompetence, but we'll take it, ta very much. Brooklyn were
totally deflated by this and we knew we had them now. The Turtles defence had by
this stage mastered the opposition forwards, thanks mainly to some superb man
marking by Trevor on their nippy number 8, which cut off any attacking outlets
for Brooklyn, and allowed Dodge, Tel and Si to comfortably mop up the few
remaining sporadic attacks.
The result was sealed ten minutes from time when a nice through ball from Big Si
sent G.T. away on the right. As he approached the area, the rest of the Turts
were taking bets on how badly the eventual shot would be scuffed, but the
Turtles' Best Player Of Asian Extraction (2004) stunned everyone present with a
glorious drive from the edge of the box into the top right hand corner. 6-4 and
G.T.'s superb goal was a fitting way to end the game as a spectacle. The rest of
the match was played out with little fuss and once again, the lads were
congratulating themselves on yet another stunning comeback win against BNU.
G.T. drove himself home after the match, completely dazed, his
mind in a spin. The Turts had held their after match session at the oppo's
clubrooms at the Mornington Golf Club and the important votes had been conducted
so quickly that he'd barely had time to take it all in. Now he didn't know how
to feel, whether to laugh or to cry. His cheeks flushed with pride as he
recalled the praise for his two goals, especially that cracking second strike.
But there still remained the one nagging thought at the back of his mind…
"Right, votes for man of the match?" Stats man Tel posed the
usual question.
Wal immediately took charge. "G.T. Got to be. Superb effort in his 150th game
for the Turts, two goals, that second one was brilliant. Any other nominees?
Nope. Votes? Done. Unanimous. Well played, G.T., great game. Champion effort,
mate.
"And tit?" Tel again.
Again Wal stepped in. "G.T. That missed tackle for their second goal was a
shocker. Bloody woeful, in fact. Embarrassing, even. Case closed."
"Any other nominations for tit?" asked Tel.
A couple of token alternatives were proffered by the lads but you could sense
the enthusiasm wasn't really there. Wal leapt into the breach.
"Votes? Done. Unanimous again. Great effort, G.T., doing the double in your
150th game."
G.T. replayed the whole voting session in his mind as he drove through the rain.
Winning the man of the match had been great. But getting tit as well? How the
hell had that happened? Wal had taken over and railroaded the whole thing
through. Railroaded… hmmm, things were starting to fall into place. He'd just
worked it out. Yep, he'd been diddled good and proper. Just what had Wal done
during the game that he'd been trying to cover up for? An intense look of
concentration appeared on G.T.'s face as he attempted to visualise all the
crucial episodes from on the pitch. He was confident he'd work it out
eventually…
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